Tag Archives: weekend

What really matters, is to live.

I feel like I haven’t written in forever, and now don’t know where to begin.

My head is all confused.
I am starting to feel like I am at one of those low points in my life. You know, where everything seems to always go wrong. Like I have no control. I don’t know. But I sure as hell don’t want to keep typing hoping to find the answer. I just need to focus.
On myself.
My life, my job, my training.
My sanity.

I don’t have a very interesting life at the moment, due to training clients and myself majority of the day. Though you would still figure I had more time on my hands than I actually do. Maybe I am sick of the same schedule, same shit everyday. I know I want more, but honestly don’t think I am ready for it. I am starting to get more motivated about branching out my own business but still very intimidating of the idea because I would be going into it blindly. That’s nerve-racking.  Though living pay check to pay check is too, I am still paying bills. Going about what I want to do, could bring in no money at one point. That, I don’t think I am ready for. I’m already living a stressful life, I don’t need bill collectors harassing me, or whats left of my savings to disappear. I just don’t feel safe. Maybe that’s what I need though, not to feel safe. To fight.

To fight for my life.

Well. That’s enough. I am already stressing about writing this blog. I think that’s why I don’t write as often. Okay, never mind. We all know it’s because I am just a boring lifter wanting more out of every F * * * ING thing possible! Greedy.

and selfish. That’s what I have come to the conclusion about myself. No, those aren’t the only characteristics, but those are the negative ones I yearn to change. It’s hard. Because what else is there to do then constantly think of your surroundings thoughts, feelings emotions, needs and wants?

As much as I give, I feel like my hand is always out expecting something. But in the end, I know I am a good person and will do anything for the people closest to me but even the people I know nothing about. Though, doesn’t change the way I feel, like this life is all about me.  I need to grow and continue to grow into something beautiful. I want to change my behaviors and actions. I want to be SELFLESS. True, wholesome and giving. I hate the way I think sometimes. I hate the way I am sometimes.

But flashback to my previous posts, I am the one in charge of everything I want to rid of. So what does that say about me that all I do is whine bitch and moan and hope that one day things are different?
Nothing. It says nothing good about who I am.

But to any and everyone that it matters to, know that I am trying. Is it all that I can do? Maybe not. But I am going to try harder.
..and keep trying.

Okay, someone people stop me. Lets change directions, shall we?

Met with an old friend the other night (friday). It was nice to catch up. We went out to eat and chit chatted for a bit. I am still doing my 4 week no cheat, so I ordered a steak with sweet potato fries and broccoli. My steak was ordered medium rare. Twice, it was not. No big deal, I was hungry. I ate it. Medium well and all.

Left shortly after, and it takes me an hour to get home. In which, I live 15 minutes away. Damn you wrong turn!

The next morning, I woke up around 7:25am and needed to be out the door around 7:30am. I had a client at 8 and a spin class shortly after. That day, I believe I ate 2 quest bars, an isopure drink, 2 bananas, a greek yogurt, some kashi cereal, and chicken for days. I napped around 5:30pm and got ready to head to the boyfriend’s house. It was a couple of his buddies birthday’s, so we were going to go out for a bit. Why I didn’t think I needed to bring food with me, is beside me. I had 1/2 a quest bar and some freeze-dried fruit in my bag (that I only found once I was rummaging through my bag hoping to find food). Though, we stopped at noodles and co for a quick bite to eat. I was thinking that all I could get was a salad (but I am a picky salad person) but noticed the options and they were pretty healthy! I ended up ordering a small order of whole grain pasta with veggies and added chicken. Roughly 450 calories (without the chicken). We ended up staying at his buddies house, while more people showed up. At this point, it was around 10:30-11pm and the boring person I am, was already tired. A couple of girls came over to me and started asking about macros (calories, protein, fats) and about my work out regimen and what I do basically. It was a long conversation that turned into people planking, my boyfriend showing me his squat, to the girls and I complaining about how we needed food. I mean.. I would have had 2-3 meals by the time we ended up leaving :/ I knew I had a Quest bar in the car, but too be honest.. I didn’t go get it because I didn’t want to share it… 😛 (SEE, greedy as f u c k). BUTTTTTTTTT the hunger pains grew to painful to bare so the boyfriend got it and warmed it up by the fire for me. Little did he know, it was cute gesture and all BUT I JUST WANTED TO SCARF IT DOWN! haha..

Noodles and Co FTW!

Noodles and Co FTW!

How sweet. Warming my brownie quest bar for me..

How sweet. Warming my brownie quest bar for me..

The boys, however, wanted pizza though. Imagine that. But the girls didn’t. Which I was pleased about but made sure that I would leave before that happened. Instead, he talked about going to maxwell street to get burgers and was I NOT having that nonsense. Though it is a little challenging when its 1am and you’re hungry. BUT! NOT IMPOSSIBLE! Yes, you don’t know what they add or sneak into their food to make it better, it is what it is. All you can do is ask and hope they honor it. We ended up stopping at ihop. I knew that I could at least get meat (HA!) and can’t go wrong there.

We ended up talking for a bit. Things aren’t going so well. This goes back to the beginning of this post as well, but that’s not appropriate talk right now. The only reason I mentioned it was because when our food came, no matter how hungry I was, we didn’t eat it for at least 8 minutes UGH!) ON TOP OF HIM TAKING UP PRECIOUS TIME NOT KNOWING WHAT HE WANTED TO EAT!!!! The lady came back twice before we actually ordered. Oh my lanta.

Any who, this is what I ate:

-3

3 eggs scrambled, 2 pieces bacon and sausage with sirloin tips with onions. Yup. For being ihop, wasn’t that bad.

Headed home, slept till 10am and now I am here. Got home around 11:30am, after stopping and vacuuming my car. I ate a banana on the ride home but made a big bowl of oatmeal when I got in.

#addicted.

#addicted.

1/2c oatmeal
1 TBS flaxseed.
3 strawberries, cut.
A small handful blueberries.
A small handful Kashi go lean crunch cereal.
A sprinkle of honey on top.

Have yet to count the macros in the oatmeal (again, proteins fat and carbs), but will get around to it in a bit. Speaking about that, I got off the phone with a client yesterday and how it would be helpful if I had a list of recipes and ingredients that people could eat that would make healthy eating easier. I think I am going to get around to that. I think it would help people, help themselves.

The only thing is that its time-consuming but I think if I break it up a bit, I could get it done relatively easily. I just hope that through all this, people stop over thinking things and start relearning new habits. I mean, you know fast food isnt food for you, so why eat it? Make it at home and save HUNDREDS OF CALORIES!!!! That’s all you need to do. Find foods that you love, and MAKE THEM HEALTHY!

😦

I don’t know. I hate coming off rude but I feel people either don’t want to change, or completely disregard my time spent with them trying to help them. That’s all. I am just trying to help. All I wish is that people are considerate of not only me and my time, but themselves. We need to work together and make things happen, or all we are going to do is fall short to the things that are slowly killing us.  Yes, we all die but why not love the life you live right now? No more hating yourself. No more feeling guilty. Just live life as healthy as we can and enjoy it. Being fit and healthy has a way of opening eyes to new and beautiful things.

I promise.

Spending the rest of the day cleaning and organizing. No work out today besides active resting (stretching, random push ups and lunges and a possible walk around the FP with the pup) and prepping food for the week. Tomorrow will be more of a helpful post, not a helpless one.

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Sunday Funday (how original)!

So, nothing exciting happening today. Had the day off, which was fantastic not having any alarms to wake up to. However, woke up around 9:30am anyways.

First meal was around 10:30am.

I randomly threw things into a blender. Coconut flour, oatmeal, 3 eggs, and some cottage cheese and blended. I then made pancakes and added blueberries while they were still in the pan. They weren’t bad but I didn’t have anymore sugar free syrup so I had to use honey. I have come to the conclusion that I hate honey. Also topped it with organic cane sugar and strawberries so it was some what digestible.

-1

Around 12pm, my mom wanted to go for a 3 mile walk around the forest preserve so I had 4 slices of turkey bacon. We got to the FP and Marley was already panting. No more than an 1/8th of a mile in, Marley sat down. That wasn’t a good sign. We started to pour water on her because she didn’t want to drink it but it didn’t make a difference. I decided to let my mom go ahead while I waited at the 1/2 way point so I didn’t at least ruin her work out. She was taking a little longer than I thought so I figured I would continue to walk the way home was so it made it easier for everyone. Not long after, Marley gave up again. This time, WOULDNT BUDGE! So… I stayed there for a couple of minutes doing jump squats and regular body weight squats till I was like what the fuck. So… what does one do? I picked my 50+lb pit up and continued to walk. Holy moly bicep burn! I put her down maybe 1/4 mile in. She seemed to have gained a little energy and continued to walk with me. I was just hoping my mother was around the corner any minute. However, she was not. So.. I kept walking. Once Marley stopped again, I picked her up again. This happened 3 times. I was almost home when the mother pulled up. Apparently she stopped to go pee. No big deal. Just carrying my dog in 80+ weather.

Got home (checked my watch and burned 450 calories) and ate some whole wheat pasta and ground turkey and waited about 45 minutes before I headed to the gym. Did a back work out because last night was a lame excuse for one. Started with pull ups and tried knocking those out before my energy left. Did 5 this time! Which is still 15 short of my goal but before I could only do 3!! Did some rows, lat pull down and ended with a few minutes of the row machine (burned 400 calories).

photo 4

Got home and ate pasta again (just wanted to get rid of it) and chilled for an hour or two while I did some core work. All I really did today was work out and cleaned my room finally. Waiting for the boo thing to come over so we can go to the movies. Where… I will be forced to smell popcorn while I eat carrots or some shit. Probably going to bring a quest bar so I can some what be happy. We are going to see a scary movie so I am super excited about this. LOL. Boyfriend doesn’t like scary movies so him comprising with me makes me happy. I will treat myself with a diet coke though. Really wanting to ditch that bad habit though. It does help with my acid reflux sometimes ironically. But.. we shall see.

Core work in progress.

Core work in progress.Sun

Waking up pretty early tomorrow, so I will pack my meals tonight after the movie. Maybe have my mom cook my chicken because I suck at it and to save me some time.

So.. nothing interesting today. Just figured I would share how bad ass my life is so I don’t feel horrible when I get to busy to update it later. Because we all know I suck at keeping up with this. Still not interesting and I am well aware. I’M WORKING ON IT!

photo 3

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Monday 15/83 (1/21)

Well I suppose I spoke too soon. Thursday I found out some bad news regarding school which lead me to drop a class. I am now down to one class starting in March which I am not thrilled about. Hopefully I can turn this around in time to at least take one, if not all of the ones I wanted to take. Why is it so easy for the government to just take away financial aid, putting my education on hold? All I want to do is go to class and finish my degree and it’s not going well. Definitely brought me to tears. However I actually got a work out in despite my attitude/mood (am I getting better at channeling my emotions?????????), though I did cry on the treadmill. I couldn’t stop them from falling. I mean what else do you do on the treadmill besides think? Fuck.

Keeping “everything will be okay” in mind. I have to. I have to be positive that my life will turn around. I have to actually put forth an effort and realize no one is going to do things to change my life except myself. I need to actually give a damn before its too late.

😦

That was found out Thursday, and after work Friday the boy and I headed out to Wisconsin for a little ice fishing trip. Everything was fine and dandy till we got close and had to stop at his fathers friends house for a cocktail. His father had the keys so we needed to go regardless if I was exhausted or not. We walked in and sat down, introduced me to both people there. Normal right? well I sat in silence while they had a conversation in polish. Completeing disregarding my presence. I felt awkward, embarrassed even.. I told him before we even left for Wisco that this is why I didn’t want to go with him and his father. I LOVE his family dont get me wrong but last time it was the 3 of us, I sat in silence at dinner and again felt awkward. I didn’t want to feel like that again and guess what? I did.. this time with 4 people not just one in a house I couldn’t just go hide in the bedroom in. Definately a mood changer. We left and I had my moment but we were back to normal within an hour or two.

Eggs and Bacon!

Eggs and Bacon!

Woke up pretty early for us and I made us breakfast. His father left to go fishing with the couple that we met yesterday so I was excited to be alone with M. It was actually a beautiful day. I believe the temperature was in the low fourties which was awesome. We get to Petenwell and find a tow truck below about to pull out a sunken ATV. That made me nervous.. till I saw a car on the ice a few minutes later. Just have to be careful.. We set up and was on the ice around 1130am. We didn’t catch anything for nearly 3 hours, and didn’t seem very promising. M caught a catfish but that was the only catch for the day. Definitely a bummer. The wind starting picking up, literally knocking me off the shacks seat so that obviously pissed me off. We left shortly after.

Petenwall Lake

Petenwall Lake

My boo.

My boo.

 

cccccxx

We got home around 5 and started making dinner. We grilled steak and chicken and I prepared our favorite potatoes (onion stuffed potatoes wrapped in bacon), even though it was about 12 degrees outside. After dinner, M’s father left to go cook some of the fish he had caught earlier (I think totaling 15 or so..must be nice), as we headed to the casino. Got there and went straight to the bar, while he gave me $40 to spend. Lost in within 30 minutes so I sat and watched him. He ended up giving me another $10 and I lost that too. Seriously?

My favorite! Onion Stuffed potatoes wrapped in bacon!

My favorite! Onion Stuffed potatoes wrapped in bacon!

MEAT!!

MEAT!!

We both lost, and 45 minutes later was in the car headed back home. We usually stop at boner again (rattyass strip club lmao) but decided it was best to just go home considering we had booze there so why spend the extra $$. We got home, ate some birthday cake oreos (they were OK..M loved them but I def prefer the original), and headed to bed.

I promised myself that if I ever found these I would get them.. so I did.

I promised myself that if I ever found these I would get them.. so I did.

Woke up around 10am and made the boys breakfast. Eggs with left over potatoes onions and bacon with some pancakes. I made my now famous (lol jk but they are def heaven in my mouth), pancakes. I put peanut butter on the plate first, stick a hot pancake on top add jelly and chocolate sauce and was topped with whipped cream. It was def picture worthy but I didn’t want to look like a freak in front of his dad lol. I was stuffed and ready to roll.

Okay not really, by the time we got on the ice I was crabby as fuck. Thank God for a great boyfriend or I would be single. We got the shack and the holes all prepped and began fishing. I caught the first one, which made me feel better about being crabby and was well.. no longer crabby.

My beautiful shot!

My beautiful shot!

10-15 fish later around 430pm, we packed up and was ready to go home. I think we didn’t stay out for that long because 1, we had to get home sooner than later and 2 because his dad wasn’t catching anything. The first day we were on Petenwall and he caught a lot, this day we went to Fish Lake and we caught a lot but he didn’t. A little bizarre but all in good fun. We got home around 5pm and was packed up and ready to leave for home around 6. We stopped at a local restaurant (ok the only restaurant nearby) and actually had a really bad experience. I think they were short staffed but we were ignored for the first 15 minutes. I actually had to go up to the bar and ask for a server in which I was told it was going to be awhile as she had rude look on her face. Yeah… no. That doesn’t fly with me. So I sat my happy ass back down and waited. The boy could tell I was getting upset but it was honestly because we were blatantly being ignored. She could of got our drink order in while saying it would be a couple minutes till she could take our food order.. but we were literally ignored. A little while longer she came over, left the menus and left. We had an idea of what we wanted and a sure as hell enough time to decide so we ordered our drinks, appetizers and food as soon as she arrived back. After we placed the order the boy had to go back to the house because he left his phone and even then when he returned we still didn’t have our drinks. NOT. HAPPY. AT. ALL. And the only remark she said was “hope you’re not too hungry considering you’ve been waiting a while”… ya think? Well if I wasn’t hungry when I sat down I’m sure any food I had consumed prior was digested and why yes ma’am I believe I am starting to get hungry again.

Whatever. She brought the food out before the drinks..and I mean all the food.. It wasn’t appetizers it was like a 5 course meal we enjoyed that night. We weren’t going to leave a tip (don’t get me started I KNOW how a waitress is suppose to work and I KNOW how little they get paid. Regardless I wasn’t going to reward horrible service with a nice tip), so you my friend got $5. We left about 45minutes later and was on the way home in the 2 degree weather. Fuck was it cold. Thank God for heated seats.

yep, that's right.. 2 degrees.

yep, that’s right.. 2 degrees.

We got home around 1030 which we actually made really good time. I stayed at his house again and passed out after he put Ted on. I was tired, and def dreading today.. Monday.. another day at a job I hate. Horray for the weekends.

The boo and I.

The boo and I.

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Monday 8/83 (1/14)

Had a quiet/relaxing weekend. I find that since I live 45 minutes from not only my boyfriend but my girlfriends as well, that I stay home quite a bit. I don’t mind 75% of the time because I am one lazy motherfucker (not to mention a broke motherfucker as well), but that 25% of the time pisses me off. However, I don’t plan on changing anything anytime soon. School is starting soon. Mondays and Tuesdays I will be working from 9-5 then class from 6-9pm. The other class is still not posted which is a little bizarre to me considering it starts next Tuesday. I think this will be good for me though. Not only because I am slowly working on bettering myself ( I honestly wish I didn’t take this long to continue college, but it is what it is), but because I need to get out. I need something to put my mind at ease.The classes I am taking (health and wellness, contemporary health issues and principals of wellness coaching), are something I need for the career path I am trying to follow so I am definitely looking forward to that. It’s always nice to actually learn something that you are interested in. Hopefully this is a small stepping stone to a bigger part of my life. I might feel overwhelmed at first, so I am leaving the job search till the end of the month. I am creating little goals for myself in the time being (ie add/correct my resume, get organized ext). Small goals that will hopefully help me out in the long run so I think for now I am just going to deal with this job. I don’t want to deal with the added pressure of starting 3 classes and putting extra effort in starting a new job. I already know that I don’t want to waitress or bar-tend. I want to be in the fitness industry again. I don’t care if it’s front desk at a gym I just want to be in that atmosphere. Even if I took a pay cut, the travel from Grayslake to Northbrook costs me an entire weeks pay. However I think this could wait.

Sushi Date!

Sushi Date!

Back to the weekend.. Friday night the boyfriend and I had a cute little date night at a local sushi place. It’s kind of been our go to sushi since the place we go to (Dragon Fly) is in the city. This place didn’t get good reviews at all which him and I were both surprised about. We have our two rolls (Nikko and Crunchy Flower) that we will always get but this time tried 2 new ones. They weren’t bad but they were huge and pretty much fell apart before I could get it into my mouth which pissed me off (no joke… literally pissed me off. I feel I need anger management sometime. No lie.. It’s not that I like to get angry it just happens.. It like builds up over NOTHING. INSTANTLY!!!! Or maybe I am just bi polar. However.. later on I need to go talk to someone. I don’t need medicine nor do I want it. I just want answers.. or a better understanding of why the FUCK my mind works the way it does). We left the restaurant and had intentions of going to Mavericks which is a country bar about 15 minutes away with some of my friends. We ended up just going back to my place because my boyfriend wasn’t feeling well. He had to be up early anyways so it was okay. Besides.. I love just spending alone time with him so I didn’t mind.
Marley was a good girl at the vet so she got a treat :)

Marley was a good girl at the vet so she got a treat 🙂

Woke up early and had to take Marley to the vet for her annual check up and rabies shot. She got her nails trimmed too because they were so long. I excused myself from the room because last time she did that she cried and looked at me with such sadness that I felt horrible. However listening to her from even outside the room wasn’t that better 😦 But as soon as I walked back in her tail was wagging and she seemed to be doing just fine. $200 later.. back to being broke till Tuesday. I was surprised that I had that little in my bank account but it is what it is.

Breakfast!

Breakfast!

I made breakfast and a couple hours later went to the gym. Still doing full body work outs and 30 minutes cardio. Afterwards made myself a protein shake (been LOVING them lately. Have actually been using greek yogurt instead of protein powder. 1. because I’m broke.. mhmmm it’s like $35 and 2. because it’s actually pretty convenient and none of that added bullshit. It has 18g of protein and 7g of carbs). I fell asleep for about 2 hours and then cleaned my room like a mad man. Still need to go thru my clothes because I am convinced I am a hoarder when it comes to that. I hate throwing away clothes thinking I MIGHT want to wear it one day. Ol well. I also put some of my (ex boyfriends gifts) crap on ebay. The new app makes it SO easy. Check it out if you want anything Coach (hand bags and shoes), I also have 2 watches up for sale (shititsmar). Took it easy the rest of the night and passed out pretty early.

The boyfriend didn’t get home till about 2:30am from a project he was trying to finish up in a couple hours.. that didn’t go as planned. So I woke him up around 12 figuring we would get together shortly after. He called and said he needed to go back so that was a bummer. It was my rest day and I had all this time on my hands haha. I cleaned up a bit more and decided to get to the gym even though I could of taken the day off. I cooked up some pancakes (threw PB and Jelly on them) and ate that for my post work out. I made these before (up in Wisco when I decided not to go out fishing), and it was AMAZING. It tasted better when it was actual pancake mix but you cant hate on PB&J regardless. My boyfriend was upset I made it without him but I promise I will (were going back next weekend so I GOTTCHU).

My favorite flavor. Bananas Strawberries and Coconut!

My favorite flavor. Bananas Strawberries and Coconut!

This time I did the back ext machine, and some ab work outs and finished with 20 minutes on the stair master and 40 minutes on the treadmill. Made another protein shake and waited for the boy to arrive. We ended up going to Applebee’s (I was in the mood for a salad) but ended up getting steak and potatoes.. another fave of mine. I did eat a pretzel stick and a bite of a brownie but kept it really clean. I have been snacking thru out the weekend (had some chocolate.. thank my period for that one.. I kid.. I just used that as an excuse and a 200 calorie serving of pizza). I have been super good this week though. I really want to put my all into this.

My food from Applebee's! Yum.

My food from Applebee’s! Yum.

My 200 calorie serving of pizza.

My 200 calorie serving of pizza.

I don’t know if I am going to take a full day off of working out this week because I will be up in Wisconsin this weekend. That means no gym.. however I swear the hike up to “spot” is a work out in itself. The only thing I am worried about is the drinking. I want to drink one night (as a “cheat”) and keep it clean the rest. We go grocery shopping so I am in control of that. I really don’t think we eat that bad (we grill a lot) but I am looking forward to a place we found not to far from the house. It has everything you could ever want to eat and is just awesome. Besides that I think its going to be a fine weekend. Nothing too extravagant, which I prefer.

Keeping my cardio to 30 minutes still, but will be splitting up body parts (ie back, shoulders ext each having their own day) this week. I will still have 1 cheat meal and won’t be taking anything out just yet. I have to stay on top of the time and how long I really do have to prepare for this show. Eventually my fruit will go, my carbs will lessen, and my salt intake will drastically decrease. You would think this would upset someone, however I am super excited for the changes!

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Another day in the life..

After another shit show of a weekend I am done contemplating my relationship with Mike. Even after all the bullshit we have been through, I am done worrying. I am done over thinking, over analyzing, simply wasting my time. I am done with it all. I have finally come to the conclusion that we are with out a doubt 100% in love with each other. I obviously know he loves me and that I love him, but after this weekend I feel it.. Most likely because we get put in situations where he professes his love for me time and time again, but the reassurance is so comforting it takes all the doubt away.

I won’t go into the details of our little rendezvous but just know that it was well worth it.

Besides that, my weekend was actually pretty decent. Friday night I just went to the gym for a little bit then came home and passed out around 1120pm. Saturday woke up around 7am in time to wake the boyfriend up to head to the shop by 8. After he was taken care of, I usually pass back out but instead I tidied up a bit and headed back to the gym. I am finally starting to see progress which always makes me a little happy inside and always a good start to my constant need of motivation. After the gym I finished up my laundry and took an hour power nap. Woke up and headed out to Ashley’s house. Picked her up and went to Target for a few things I needed to get for Christmas presents. We are the worst when it comes to shopping.. we literally want e v e r y t h i n g (example: see photo below) 😉

See? New slippers from Target :)

See? New slippers from Target 🙂

Meaning we looked around the entire store at which point my stomach was getting painfully hungry. She had ideas of pizza and obviously had she caught me at a “idgaf” time I would of agreed, however I wanted to stay clean. We went to Jason’s Deli and I got a whole wheat wrap with turkey and tomatoes (ranch on the side) with some steamed veggies.

Turkey wrap!

Turkey wrap!

We then went back to her place and just chilled for a few hours while we figured out what we wanted to do. Her brother and some friends were going bowling but I wasn’t about to decline plans with my boyfriend to hang out with a bunch of guys.. that sure as fuck wouldn’t of went down smoothly so instead we waited till around 10pm to get ready to go out to a bar a town or two over. She ended up curling my hair (I have naturally curly hair and hate it.. so the entire time I was said she can’t get pissed if I don’t like it haha).. but I did and it looked cute even if my outfit didn’t.. (I wasn’t planning on going out so yes.. I looked like a scumbag). We left around 1130pm and met up with my boyfriend and a few of his friends. Ashley wasn’t drinking and I didn’t plan on it.. but of course I took a shot.. then another.. but only ended up taking 4 which is good for me.

The boyfriend and I at the Donkey Inn on Saturday.

The boyfriend and I at the Donkey Inn on Saturday.

After the spiff we encountered, I got home around 6am and passed out instantly, fully clothed and all. Slept till 2pm then headed home. I didn’t eat anything till my boyfriend came over around 6pm when we went to a sushi place down the street. We ordered about 4 rolls and was actually pretty happy with the place.

The 3rd from the left, nikko, was our favorite.

The 3rd from the left, nikko, was our favorite.

After dinner, he likes something sweet, so we headed about 10 miles away to get some frozen yogurt. Always a good time with the boyfriend (fat kids at heart). Went back to my place and we had a quiet evening. Over all the weekend went well and nothing to complain about.

Berry Simple Frozen Yogurt <3

Berry Simple Frozen Yogurt ❤

I am however super excited for another week to kick my ass in the gym so Mondays aren’t all that bad anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I love not doing anything but I’ve said before, when I get motivated it’s game over. All I want to do is prep my meals and slave away at the gym day in and day out. It’s a natural high and I feel so great and accomplished the next morning. See.. THIS is the cycle that I need, not the one I’ve been accustomed to lately. But nothing to worry about, I got this shit.

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Some sort of growth, right?

“When I see these pictures I often find myself thinking, what else have they had to give up in order to attain that physique? What relationships have suffered? What other areas of their life have they not had the opportunity to cultivate? What would that person ever do if circumstances (such as age, illness, some personal tragedy) turned the tide and they couldn’t maintain that image anymore? Would their identity be lost? Would others no longer be impressed by them?”

I recently saw this on someones blog, and holy cow.
I haven’t thought about my life without fitness or a healthy lifestyle till I came across that paragraph and wow was I lost for words.
My life has consisted of years of self abuse. Eating disorder after eating disorder. Diet pill after diet pill. Work out after work out.
This is all I know. I know weight loss. I know self hate. I know unhealthy. I know healthy.
Now.. I don’t know a life without constantly thinking about working out, hating myself, and food as much as I’ve lived this one. lol. Whatever I am doing.. surfing the net, posting fitness tips, pinching extra fat on my things, looking in the mirror, smelling a bomb ass slice of pizza, salivating over pinterest.. literally.. not a day.. not an hour.. not even a min goes by without me thinking about “fitness”.. So what would happen? What would change if I no longer could do the things I do on a day-to-day basis? What if I couldn’t work out?
The only thing I can pinpoint that I know 100% to be true.. is as long as I didn’t put on weight (or get what I feel s my uncomfortable zone) then I would try to make the best out of the situation.. but if the weight starting creeping and I wasn’t able to be active I think would ruin me. The idea of me being fat… FEELING fat hurts my heart. No joke.
Actually writing this out makes me sound selfish. Fuck. Seriously.. lets move on..
SO reading this on Friday guess what I did?
I had one of the best weekends of my life.
It didn’t start off so well but it definitely made me realize that I wouldn’t be lost without my fitness lifestyle.. that’s not something I focus on. It is literally my outward appearance. I NEED to look good (or at least THINK I look good lol). I like seeing collar bones and broad shoulders. I love having an ass but a flat stomach. I want my legs more defined… bigger even. Before I wouldn’t IMAGINE being “thicker” (I fucking hate that word). But in reality this is comfort. Healthy IS happy.
So, since I really don’t want to make this super long I won’t go much into detail (I ramble anyways so feel free to speed read).. I got home friday night knowing I wasn’t going to work out. I wanted to rest so that’s exactly what I planned on doing. I had saved these pre made smores the entire week and really wanted it right then and there. So what did I do? I had it.. Do you see a pattern in my decision-making? lol. So I was talking to my mom and she interrupted and said, should you be eating that? 
Fuck. I literally snapped. This is probably the 3rd or 4th time she’s made a comment like this, however it’s usually when I really shouldn’t be eating it (during contest prep). So I suppose I could understand.. but what the f u c k ? It kind of hurt. I ended up trying to explain how I felt and she got weird and didn’t understand so I walked out and called her a fucking asshole. 
 
1. Yes I was wrong for calling my mother an asshole.
2. This exact question, from her and an ex boyfriend, has started binges. Consider it a “trigger”.
 
We pretty much didn’t talk all night. I think she texted me something but my phone ended up dying. I passed out trying to charge my computer so it could charge my phone.

Saturday Morning..

.. I woke up feeling pretty good. I made breakfast, and cleaned up a bit. I had plans to go to Ribfest with a few friends but it was still pretty early (damn you internal clock). So I ended up putting a blanket outside and trying to tan. About 15 minutes in he calls me and I plan to leave within the hour. Everything pretty much goes as planned. I get to his house and we take the convertible down towards the city. tragic wasn’t that bad but I was stoked to be in the sun tanning with the top down lol, so I could care less. We see a carnival on the side of the highway and I made a comment about exes saying they’d win me a bear but I end up winning it myself. So what did he do? Took a detour parked the car and we didn’t leave the carnival till he won me a bear. Oh and eat a funnel cake too. So we hoped back in the car, got to the fest and pretty much gained weight. We ate fried oreos, ribs, more ribs and more bbq lol. After we walked around a bit, he got a few calls to go to the race track in Joliet. We dipped and ended up staying at the track for at least 5 hours. We drank margaritas and I ate someones french fries.. and popcorn. lol. Blahblahblah we end up driving home but ended up stopping at a friend’s house to drink. And drink I did. 
 
Woke up in a bed on..

Sunday AM..

.. Up early as hell no hangover. Success. 11am his friend calls him to go with him and his gf to breakfast. We drive about 20 minutes to a breakfast place named Ellies (no pictures because phone was dead). I think it would have been a lot better had I known what the ingredients were like. They were fresh but wasn’t expecting it. Like for example I ordered a skillet with green pepper… however they were the huge peppers and not cut down (they were literally the size of a mini twix lol)… but then I took no joke less than 10 bites and I was full. I was just dehydrated like a mother fucker. So I just chugged diet coke and water (bad idea btw). We leave and get dropped off not knowing what are plans were next. I sit in the backyard and put suntan lotion on. He gets a call and we roll over to his friend’s house. Sun tanning and drinking for hours. It was so chill. Literally stopped everything to go to Trader Joes for Mochi balls.. lol…. I think in total we had like 8 boxes.. They were defiantly weird lol. After we bail we go back to his house and sit and chill till I realize that I wanted Cold Stone. So what did we do? We got Cold stone lol. Fuck yeah.
So. that was pretty much straight my weekend. Now.. this wasn’t anything special.. No, I didn’t win the lottery or get a new car. I didn’t work out once and I ate like shit the entire weekend (no I do not recommend this. One or two cheat meals a week. NOT cheat DAYS!) Yes, I wasn’t AS comfortable and no I didn’t really want to walk around in a bikini, but for once I wasn’t constantly thinking about fitness, the gym, working out or fucking protein powder. I was LIVING. As simple as my weekend was, it was unbelievably relaxing. I felt like I took a mini vacation from myself.

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