I hate time.
I really do.. I hate that it runs out, that its never guaranteed, and more often than not a pain in the ass to wait for.
Actually.. its always a pain in the ass to wait for. Birthdays, Christmas, starting over after a binge, can never come soon enough!
Now that was actually a pretty lame way to starting this post, mostly because I have about 420 people talking to me and always lose my train of thought every time the phone rings (this is why I need wifi at home). I really didn’t even have much to write about, even pertaining to the introduction of this post but I think its because I cheated HARD this weekend (with the boyfriend, OF COURSE) and know that its going to take a solid week to get back to where I was.. (this is a hard pill for me to swallow. The hardest part about getting to where I want to be is time. I need to be patient and understand that yes the few workouts I do will be my body getting back into things but as long as I keep going I will be one day closer than I was. I need to EMBRACE this not use it as another excuse to binge and skip workouts) 😦 BUT!! not only did I cheat this weekend but I messed up my back last Thursday. I have a feeling of what exercise did it but it didn’t hurt till a few hours later when I got to my boyfriends house. It was a BAD pain that shot down around my lower spine. I ended up getting teary eyed (one because I am gay and always cry, but two because it actually really fucking hurt! Your back is EVERYTHING and having a messed up back would sure as FUCK ruin any lifting goals I may or may not have had) but I was able to fall asleep and stay asleep which is nice. It hurt the next day but seemed to be getting better the next days after that (thank you God!).. Haven’t been to the gym since.
Mostly because I didn’t want to ruin it any progress being made (better to take precaution before its too late), but mostly because I am one lazy s.o.b.. however lately I have been really going hard (probably the cause of my back pain), and eating clean because of the progress I have been seeing (throw that out the window since this past weekend.. oh brother).. but will definitely be continuing that tonight after work. I really want this and I plan on proving just that. The first two solid weeks I am going to lie low for a bit, getting into the gym around 90 min a day, but after xmas I want to start getting up early and doing cardio. I want to really kick some ass.
I have also been wanting to make some minor changes in my life. I want to quit this job and be in the field that I enjoy, one that brings true happiness. I think that’s my start. My boyfriend is leaving soon and as PROUD as I am for him I am jealous that I continue to allow myself to work here. I don’t want to rush and I don’t want to settle (like I did in the first place) but I know that I can’t stay here for long. The shit this place does to you mentally and emotionally is beyond fucked up. BUT that is another story. I am super stoked for the boyfriend to make this change as it will be 10x better for him. He will be much happier, busier, and will be treated like they give a damn. He does great work and I think its time he starts getting paid what he deserves.. so kudos to you baby && yes, we all know I will be super upset the day that it comes (yes we work together), but I couldn’t be happier for him.
Another minor thing is I want to be more organized (food wise, workouts, life in general). I used to be known as the clean one, the one that always had her shit together. Now.. not so much. I think I have a small case of the ADD’s.. No joke.. My car is always a fucking pig sty my room is never that much better. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?? So obviously I am a little upset about this and WILL be proactive so one day I can relieve some of the stress that comes along with being a fucking mess.
The last thing, which is most important, is working on myself. Obviously this blog is steered in that direction but even so it doesn’t truly make a difference. What I want to do is too FOCUS. I tend to over think about everything in my life and I think this is where I come too dependent on Mike. I spend all this time focusing on him and us that I forget about myself sometimes. I want to go back to when it was easy, I mean it still is but being with someone, someone I truly adore, does make life a little more interesting to say the least 😉 We have fun though and always enjoy each others company so I suppose I need to take the good with the bad (or just find a balance. The damn mystery of life).
Long story short, I just need to take the time out and just breathe. Everything in my life is great and if it isn’t its no ones fault but my own. Starting today I want to take responsibility for my actions and really start owning up to them. I have so much potential that I am wasting away by worrying (which is getting me no where). I want to give 100% trust back to my boyfriend and enjoy the time we have together. I want to get focused and organized for my own well being.. but I also want to appreciate the life I do live because I’m here, alive and well.