I can’t seem to get the words out. I keep erasing shit.
5th time now.
I have a lot on my mind. 6th time.
7th time. I don’t know. Came back from Wisconsin with the boy and his father and it wasn’t as awkward as I expected. 8th. The language barrier issue wasn’t really bothersome. I love his family and I want that to be known, but sometimes its hard not understanding the language they speak. I feel rude and disrespectful, more so left out 😦 But it is what it is and I am slowly learning to deal with things without making an issue first. However, I have to say that even if I do get mad I have like a rebound rate of like 60sec-60min lol. So, it could always be worse!
Came back friday night, with only one day of fishing. The boy and I slept in till 2pm on friday and his dad got to pissed to go out that late so we just went home. I was down to just drill a hole and fish standing up lol but I think it was his mom’s birthday party that night. As long as he wasn’t too upset, I was alright. Got home and the next night went to the boys work party. I knew most of the people there so it was nice to see them again. However I suck at life and got a super sickening feeling in my gut. As soon as I turn and look some chick is starring me down like we had prior beef type shit. I turn to him and ask him if she worked with him, and he said yes. Like, wtf. I don’t know. I instantly flipped. We got a table to ourselves and I told him I wanted to leave. I wanted to go, he was more than welcome to stay but I couldn’t be in that situation. He told me I have nothing to worry about but I mean come on. I’m secure as fuck, you’ve put me thru some bs before, and she was the only person I wasn’t introduced too. Just all too much to handle sometimes. I may “overreact” but I am simply just explaining my feelings. They are sudden and uncontrollable as far as I know. Trust me, I don’t want to keep feeling like this! What it boils down to, in regards to porn, checking out another chick, awkward stares in front of your girlfriend, I am just jealous of the attention given. All I want is you in like a little fucking bubble. No, NO ONE! lmfao!! Creep fucking status right here.
I just needed a little more time to build this trust then I was given. I was just thrown into a different situation, all too fast, and told to just, “trust”.
and its like I can’t even explain the feelings I have because they wouldn’t make sense. I try to explain and I just end up babbling. So I just randomly stop and say never mind. Or I get embarrassed that I’m talking so much and leave the other person speechless. Like all I do is talk about his and I’s relationship. Yes, I could probably validate them somehow, blame it on daddy issues or something but I don’t care for that bullshit. I just want to know how I can control them, how I can live with them if all else fails. Having little trust, less communication, and more distance, yea I don’t really think that sounds like the recipe for success in anything really, let alone a relationship… I just can’t fucking grip this simple concept of having faith, accepting the idea that everything will happen regardless of my actions, thoughts or feelings.
That I simply, have z e r o control outside of myself.
So why not work on me? Why not dedicate the time that I spend on worrying on actually doing something good for myself? From working out consistently and meeting my goals, to continuing my education so I can feel secure as a woman not needing the dependency from others. Why not focus on what I AM doing, how I AM feeling? Why not put myself first?
So yesterday marked the first day of my contest prep, and let me tell you I was a little disappointed.
Slept at the boyfriends on Sunday so it gave me almost an entire hour of extra sleep (I live far from work), so that was nice. Ultimately went about my day as usual as any other. I didn’t eat as much as I would of liked (for some reason my appetite hasn’t been “normal” lately. Going on 2 weeks of being sick), but was still able to consume enough calories to work out.
3 cuttie oranges (idc about fruit sugar this early in prep) 1/2 quest bar 2 chicken breasts with broccoli 1 piece of WW bread with PB 1/2-1c cottage cheese
I got home around 6 and relaxed a bit for an hour and 1/2. Well.. before I got dressed to head out my boyfriend called and said he was going to a bar. Then my friend “forgot” to call me back (when all I wanted to do was just talk to her. I get in weird moods and we play phone tag sometimes but for some reason I just wanted someone to talk to). Checks in @ Xsport with her friend, then at Buffalo Wild Wings with another and apologizes she didn’t call. Well for some reason all this kind of irked me.
Regardless, I headed to the gym and arrived around 7:45pm. I started doing my thing and I could feel my emotions arise. This wasn’t good, but I wasn’t stopping. Instead I started getting more pissed. Pissed at the situations, then pissed at myself for not pushing thru. Well I “gave up” around 8:10.. I just threw in the towel. I walked my sorry ass upstairs to the cardio section and hopped on the treadmill. I finished 45 minutes but that was the end of that work out.
I headed home, ate my meal and got in bed in time for the new Catfish show around 10pm. I was disappointed but at least got something in, even if it wasn’t how I expected my first work out back in 2 weeks.
Laying in bed creeping facebook and instagram, my boyfriend tried calling a couple times, as did Ashley. I ignored both and just wanted to be “alone”. I ended up calling my boyfriend back (and texting Ashley), because as much as I was in my own world I love him dearly. We talked a bit and he wanted me to talk things out with him but the last thing I wanted to do was go back to the reasons I was upset.
That lasted shortly. Something else came up that sparked my insecurities and I just balled. He then continued to tell me how much he loves and adores me but the tears kept falling.
Listen, me telling you I am insecure as fuck doesn’t even scratch the surface. Yes, he has done some things that haven’t made it easy but most of those things wouldn’t of been a problem had I been secure. I just cried. I told him I don’t know if things are going to change, if I am going to change but I know I can’t live like this. It hurts so much, and again… doing this to myself.
HE LOVES ME. SO WHAT THE FUCK IS THE PROBLEM!??!?!??!?!?! I have never been with someone like him, someone who doesn’t mind reminding me why they love me or how much they love me. When it all comes down to it, it’s me.
..and I don’t know what to do, or if there is anything I can do. Will I be like this forever? All I know is that I love this man so much. So much that any attention he puts out to another human, I am envious of. It’s sick and I am embarrassed.
So instead of my rants and raves I’ve decided to actually write something worth reading.. something a lot of people are wondering about.. something a lot of people don’t understand. Carbohydrates.
The reason for this post was because of last nights creep session. I was scrolling thru my instagram feed and saw a post a girl wrote and in the comments she wrote about how she stops eating carbs after 3pm and to stay away from bananas. Now.. let one thing be clear, we are ALL different and so are our bodies. So yes, what may be good for me may not be good for you. With that being said, all I want to do is enlighten one regarding carbohydrates.
A few years ago when I started personal training, I instantly began to research and ask questions. Everything from a training routine to different diets. Obviously Google is one of my best friends, but everything you read on the internet isn’t always entirely true and can be very misleading. However, any information was better than no information. So I took to researching, writing and printing all the information I found that would be useful. At this point I started training for my first bikini contest. I decided to do it on my own with no trainer like they suggest. I figured I had this shit down. Little did I know.. that I knew very little.
The closer I got to the show, the less foods I was “told” to consume. Carrots, for example, became off-limits and I started forming really bad habits. I barely ate carbs and consumed about double the recommended protein for my body weight. I worked out 6 days a week and was up to 90 minutes of cardio everyday. I was moody, tired, and my work outs began slacking. I was always used to forbidding food (I was anorexic at one time, turned into bulimia and then binge eating after my first competition), so categorizing foods as good and bad was nothing new.
It wasn’t until my second contest prep where I sought the help of a new found figure competitor at the gym I was working at. She tried explaining that in order to “grow” I needed these good carbs. Good Carbs? There is such a thing? Yes, yes there is.
Don’t be misled by fad diets that make blanket pronouncements on the dangers of carbohydrates. They provide the body with fuel it needs for physical activity and for proper organ function, and they are an important part of a healthy diet. But some kinds of carbohydrates are far better than others.
Choose the best sources of carbohydrates—whole grains (the less processed, the better), vegetables, fruits and beans—since they promote good health by delivering vitamins, minerals, fiber, and a host of important phytonutrients. Skip the easily digested refined carbohydrates from refined grains—white bread, white rice, and the like— as well as pastries, sugared sodas, and other highly processed foods, since these may contribute to weight gain, interfere with weight loss, and promote diabetes and heart disease.
Not all carbohydrates are created equal and there is a glycemic index (please google) for that:
The glycemic index, or glycaemic index, (GI) provides a measure of how quickly blood sugar levels (i.e. levels of glucose in the blood) rise after eating a particular type of food. The effects that different foods have on blood sugar levels vary considerably. The glycemic index estimates how much each gram of available carbohydrate (total carbohydrate minus fiber) in a food raises a person’s blood glucose level following consumption of the food, relative to consumption of pure glucose. Glucose has a glycemic index of 100.
Now, I don’t want to confuse anyone. I know it can get that way at times, but I HIGHLY suggest you do your research. Again, what may work for you may not work for another. The reason I really wanted to get this out there is because I was misinformed. I stopped eating carbohydrates altogether. I labeled CARROTS as a BAD food for goodness sakes! You live and learn but I also learned the hard way.
As your primary fuel source, carbohydrates are important to your body. If you hope to perform to your potential during athletic activity, you must adjust your carb intake to match your energy output — too many carbs can lead to fat gain, and too few carbs can leave you sluggish and fatigued. That said, it is important to gradually self-adjust until you find the amount that works best for you and your workout.
So don’t go crazy.. EAT the GOOD carbohydrates. It’s the “bad” ones that you need to stay away from. The ones that are heavily processed and full of sugar. THAT’S what you should be “scared” of. Not bananas because their high in sugar (yes bananas are one of the highest sugar/carb count but they are FULL of nutrients). I would never completely take out a wholesome food from my diet. Instead, I know that eating a banana early in the morning gives me the best chance to be able to use its nutrients instead of being stored as “fat” (sugar IS sugar), or after a workout where my body will utilize it. It is all about understanding foods not giving up on them.
Here is a great article from live strong that I will leave you with:
Some popular diets such as the Atkins diet demonize carbohydrates, claiming that eating carbohydrates leads to weight gain. The Merck manual says carbohydrates are a very important part of a person’s diet because they provide energy to the body. While some carbohydrates are very healthy, others may, in fact, lead to weight gain. It is important to understand the distinction between refined carbohydrates and unrefined carbohydrates.
Refined and Unrefined
The Merck manual explains that refined carbohydrates are highly processed. The fiber and many nutrients in refined carbohydrates have been stripped out. Refined carbohydrates–such as white bread, cake and candy–are essentially empty calories, which may lead to excess weight gain. Unrefined carbohydrates–such as brown rice, fruits and vegetables–contain fiber and many vitamins and minerals. They tend to stabilize blood sugar levels and promote a healthy weight.
Whole grains include 100 percent whole wheat bread, whole grain barley, brown rice, buckwheat, bulgur, quinoa, oats and corn. The National Institutes of Health recommends that 40 percent to 60 percent of a person’s diet come from carbohydrates, mostly unrefined carbohydrates containing whole grains. Whole grains include all three parts of the grain: the bran, endosperm and germ. Each part has distinct nutritional benefits.
Fruits such as bananas, apples and berries are simple carbohydrates in that they are digested fairly quickly by the body. Fruits are unrefined, though, so they contain many important nutrients. Fruits are considered to be a good carbohydrate because they are packed with vitamins and minerals and have fiber to help you feel full.
Beans, lentils, dried peas and peanuts are all examples of legumes, which are good carbohydrates according to the Merck manual because they contain protein to help you feel full. They are also full of fiber and rich in vitamins and minerals. The many nutritional benefits and the fact that they are unrefined make legumes a healthy carbohydrate choice.
The category of white carbohydrates encompasses many different foods such as white bread, white rice and white pasta. These foods are considered to be bad carbohydrates, which should be limited in a healthy diet. The National Institutes of Health says refined carbohydrates such as white bread and white rice may increase the risk of diabetes and lead to weight gain.
Any foods that contain sugar–such as candy, chocolates, cake, muffins and cookies–are refined carbohydrates. These foods are bad carbohydrates that should be limited because they have no nutritional value whatsoever. They provide empty calories, and the National Institutes of Health says empty calories from refined carbohydrates may lead to obesity.
Eat to live, don’t live to eat. Enjoy eating healthy, google recipes, eat wholesome foods and get moving and I promise your life can change. It’s hard at first but is so worth it. Just educate yourself don’t just listen to someone because their in “great shape”. Trust me, starving yourself will make you lose weight but is far from healthy.
After another shit show of a weekend I am done contemplating my relationship with Mike. Even after all the bullshit we have been through, I am done worrying. I am done over thinking, over analyzing, simply wasting my time. I am done with it all. I have finally come to the conclusion that we are with out a doubt 100% in love with each other. I obviously know he loves me and that I love him, but after this weekend I feel it.. Most likely because we get put in situations where he professes his love for me time and time again, but the reassurance is so comforting it takes all the doubt away.
I won’t go into the details of our little rendezvous but just know that it was well worth it.
Besides that, my weekend was actually pretty decent. Friday night I just went to the gym for a little bit then came home and passed out around 1120pm. Saturday woke up around 7am in time to wake the boyfriend up to head to the shop by 8. After he was taken care of, I usually pass back out but instead I tidied up a bit and headed back to the gym. I am finally starting to see progress which always makes me a little happy inside and always a good start to my constant need of motivation. After the gym I finished up my laundry and took an hour power nap. Woke up and headed out to Ashley’s house. Picked her up and went to Target for a few things I needed to get for Christmas presents. We are the worst when it comes to shopping.. we literally want e v e r y t h i n g (example: see photo below) 😉
See? New slippers from Target 🙂
Meaning we looked around the entire store at which point my stomach was getting painfully hungry. She had ideas of pizza and obviously had she caught me at a “idgaf” time I would of agreed, however I wanted to stay clean. We went to Jason’s Deli and I got a whole wheat wrap with turkey and tomatoes (ranch on the side) with some steamed veggies.
We then went back to her place and just chilled for a few hours while we figured out what we wanted to do. Her brother and some friends were going bowling but I wasn’t about to decline plans with my boyfriend to hang out with a bunch of guys.. that sure as fuck wouldn’t of went down smoothly so instead we waited till around 10pm to get ready to go out to a bar a town or two over. She ended up curling my hair (I have naturally curly hair and hate it.. so the entire time I was said she can’t get pissed if I don’t like it haha).. but I did and it looked cute even if my outfit didn’t.. (I wasn’t planning on going out so yes.. I looked like a scumbag). We left around 1130pm and met up with my boyfriend and a few of his friends. Ashley wasn’t drinking and I didn’t plan on it.. but of course I took a shot.. then another.. but only ended up taking 4 which is good for me.
The boyfriend and I at the Donkey Inn on Saturday.
After the spiff we encountered, I got home around 6am and passed out instantly, fully clothed and all. Slept till 2pm then headed home. I didn’t eat anything till my boyfriend came over around 6pm when we went to a sushi place down the street. We ordered about 4 rolls and was actually pretty happy with the place.
The 3rd from the left, nikko, was our favorite.
After dinner, he likes something sweet, so we headed about 10 miles away to get some frozen yogurt. Always a good time with the boyfriend (fat kids at heart). Went back to my place and we had a quiet evening. Over all the weekend went well and nothing to complain about.
Berry Simple Frozen Yogurt ❤
I am however super excited for another week to kick my ass in the gym so Mondays aren’t all that bad anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I love not doing anything but I’ve said before, when I get motivated it’s game over. All I want to do is prep my meals and slave away at the gym day in and day out. It’s a natural high and I feel so great and accomplished the next morning. See.. THIS is the cycle that I need, not the one I’ve been accustomed to lately. But nothing to worry about, I got this shit.
I really do.. I hate that it runs out, that its never guaranteed, and more often than not a pain in the ass to wait for.
Actually.. its always a pain in the ass to wait for. Birthdays, Christmas, starting over after a binge, can never come soon enough!
Now that was actually a pretty lame way to starting this post, mostly because I have about 420 people talking to me and always lose my train of thought every time the phone rings (this is why I need wifi at home). I really didn’t even have much to write about, even pertaining to the introduction of this post but I think its because I cheated HARD this weekend (with the boyfriend, OF COURSE) and know that its going to take a solid week to get back to where I was.. (this is a hard pill for me to swallow. The hardest part about getting to where I want to be is time. I need to be patient and understand that yes the few workouts I do will be my body getting back into things but as long as I keep going I will be one day closer than I was. I need to EMBRACE this not use it as another excuse to binge and skip workouts) 😦 BUT!! not only did I cheat this weekend but I messed up my back last Thursday. I have a feeling of what exercise did it but it didn’t hurt till a few hours later when I got to my boyfriends house. It was a BAD pain that shot down around my lower spine. I ended up getting teary eyed (one because I am gay and always cry, but two because it actually really fucking hurt! Your back is EVERYTHING and having a messed up back would sure as FUCK ruin any lifting goals I may or may not have had) but I was able to fall asleep and stay asleep which is nice. It hurt the next day but seemed to be getting better the next days after that (thank you God!).. Haven’t been to the gym since.
Mostly because I didn’t want to ruin it any progress being made (better to take precaution before its too late), but mostly because I am one lazy s.o.b.. however lately I have been really going hard (probably the cause of my back pain), and eating clean because of the progress I have been seeing (throw that out the window since this past weekend.. oh brother).. but will definitely be continuing that tonight after work. I really want this and I plan on proving just that. The first two solid weeks I am going to lie low for a bit, getting into the gym around 90 min a day, but after xmas I want to start getting up early and doing cardio. I want to really kick some ass.
I have also been wanting to make some minor changes in my life. I want to quit this job and be in the field that I enjoy, one that brings true happiness. I think that’s my start. My boyfriend is leaving soon and as PROUD as I am for him I am jealous that I continue to allow myself to work here. I don’t want to rush and I don’t want to settle (like I did in the first place) but I know that I can’t stay here for long. The shit this place does to you mentally and emotionally is beyond fucked up. BUT that is another story. I am super stoked for the boyfriend to make this change as it will be 10x better for him. He will be much happier, busier, and will be treated like they give a damn. He does great work and I think its time he starts getting paid what he deserves.. so kudos to you baby && yes, we all know I will be super upset the day that it comes (yes we work together), but I couldn’t be happier for him.
Another minor thing is I want to be more organized (food wise, workouts, life in general). I used to be known as the clean one, the one that always had her shit together. Now.. not so much. I think I have a small case of the ADD’s.. No joke.. My car is always a fucking pig sty my room is never that much better. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?? So obviously I am a little upset about this and WILL be proactive so one day I can relieve some of the stress that comes along with being a fucking mess.
The last thing, which is most important, is working on myself. Obviously this blog is steered in that direction but even so it doesn’t truly make a difference. What I want to do is too FOCUS. I tend to over think about everything in my life and I think this is where I come too dependent on Mike. I spend all this time focusing on him and us that I forget about myself sometimes. I want to go back to when it was easy, I mean it still is but being with someone, someone I truly adore, does make life a little more interesting to say the least 😉 We have fun though and always enjoy each others company so I suppose I need to take the good with the bad (or just find a balance. The damn mystery of life).
Long story short, I just need to take the time out and just breathe. Everything in my life is great and if it isn’t its no ones fault but my own. Starting today I want to take responsibility for my actions and really start owning up to them. I have so much potential that I am wasting away by worrying (which is getting me no where). I want to give 100% trust back to my boyfriend and enjoy the time we have together. I want to get focused and organized for my own well being.. but I also want to appreciate the life I do live because I’m here, alive and well.
Motivational Monday eh? Seems about right. Had a shit show of a weekend again resulting in me getting arrested for the 2nd time in the last 3 months. I won’t go into detail about the way the Rosemont police department treated my boyfriend and I only because I have court Dec 13 and will explain from start to finish when I hear the verdict of our court case. My voice WILL be heard.
Any who I want to keep this post simple and to the point. I had a lovely lady text me needing motivation to get back in the gym. At which point I sent a sexy girl on stage just trying to make her laugh when she went further into detail. She explained that she gained a lot of weight and its hard to get back in the gym because its embarrassing. And its true, its such a horrible feeling to have to leave in the middle of a workout because I feel worthless unmotivated, like I’m getting no where. The thing is, is I was getting somewhere. It doesn’t take a day, wont even take a month but as long as you know that every day you are a day closer to feeling better about yourself, you need to hang on.
I have left mid leg press. Tears streaming down my face not giving a FUCK who saw and just walking out because I was so overwhelmed. Finishing 15 minutes of cardio and thinking I am wasting my time. Binging and not working out because of it. I’ve been through all of it and still to this day knowing what needs to be done in order for me to be happy, keeps me going. We all start somewhere, you just have to. It’s going to be hard, its going to suck you’re going to be tired and cranky most likely hungry, but in the end I rather be tired because of two a days at the gym then spending hours upon hours hating myself, hating the person I let myself become.
It sucks to have to write this. I tend to be the one that motivates others and its hard to help when I have been living in self doubt for awhile now. Its like listen to what I say because it will help, but I can’t seem to help myself right now. But I have been, for the last few days maybe even the last 2 weeks I have been putting a lot more effort into myself because it just got unbearable. The only thing I can say is that I hope everyone kicks their own ass and sticks with eating healthy and working out because once you let yourself slip into your old habits its hard to kick them. You get feelings that are beyond describable to where you just want to curl up in bed under the covers and sleep the day away. Ive had many days like this. Ive had days where my attitude changes in the blink of an eye because of my weight. I have skipped going out and enjoying life and friends and a good time all because my clothes didn’t fit right or I’m bloated from drinking a diet coke. My life hasn’t been easy. I’ve dealt with everything from anorexic bulimia and binge eating.I can pick myself apart better than anyone out there, living a life of self worthlessness but I know what I am capable of. and just because I am unhappy with myself right now doesn’t mean I am giving up. I’m ready to work hard.. I’m ready to give it my all. I want to be happy because I achieved something not wallow in my own self pity, but you know what that involves? The first step.
Haven’t written lately. Mostly because nothing new has transpired. Pretty sure that’s an even split of good and bad. Not sure how well I could stand a few more things go wrong.
I have been hanging in there though. Taking everything with ease. Again, so thankful for the support group I have because without them staying positive would be hell. Been a week of clean eating. I had a slip up last night which ended in passing out early as fuck. Not beating myself is goal number one. I will however try a little harder in the gym tonight. Speaking of the gym, went 3 times this work week which is stellar for me right now. When I am there though, I feel so fucking good (Except when I see a bad ass body I’m super jealous about of course lol) <– which that sometimes has a reverse affect on my motivation. Sometimes I get so caught up and impatient that it makes me hate how I feel that I look like. But that’s where Ashley comes in.. I’ll text her every thing I’m feeling any point of the day and shes always there just reminding me that I’ll get there. and I KNOW I’ll get there its just hard dealing with the consequences of enjoying life how I have been. But again, everything will be okay.
I wish I was a little more organized with this blog thing. Writing out my daily scheduled eating, what work outs I complete, cool website finds, amazing products I stumble upon.. Thinking my resolution will be to improve this blog. Really go further into my life, a little more detailed. I think that I can really start helping people out. It’s nice when things are a simple read but very informative. I have a lot to teach, and love helping people with that step closer to self love.. real inner happiness..
Life with the boyfriend is fantastic. We have been growing closer and closer and it feels so good, so with the holidays coming I couldn’t be happier. I am going to enjoy thanksgiving and Christmas without a care in the world.
I really am starting to understand what it takes. I need a month or two to really get the lean look I am looking for. If I’m not lean, I’m not happy and it takes A LOT of dedication to stay lean year round. Again, another resolution.
Shane from my ig and fb messaged me last night or the night before and this is how the conversation went:
I really dont. I have ass everything. I get in phases though.. Like before no bf I competed bc I really didn’t have anything else to do bc I wasn’t personal training anymore then got a bf and he takes a lot of my time but I don’t mind I do when I beat myself up over not always being stage ready but I have to learn how to love myself stage ready and a little less lean. I feel like I have an uncomfortable limit. Like I let myself go for a bit but now it’s time to start killing it. Idk if think maybe THAT’S my “balance”.. Staying lean is hard and sometimes I don’t always make that time.. I do what I want when I want. Sometimes I wish I was smarter at times bc if I did find a legit “balance” I could juggle things in life.. Then again idk if I like juggling. I like living life as is
you just have to do what you want whenever you want. workout when you want to you know the benefits of doing it and not doing it. its all up to you. I just cant be happy being fat.. so i push my limits and go from there. most people have a lot going for them magazines cover shoots ext so its easier for them to constantly be working out because technically their getting paid for it. .. me on the other hand have life throwing curve balls every which way i turn.. I just know that in the end I have to do what makes me happy. If i want to eat like shit let me eat like shit.. ill deal with it later.. if i want to skip a workout to go to a movie ok.. if i want to sleep fuck it.. im not beating myself up any more.. im just lucky because i like the process of turning my body into a machine so when I start I keep going till I hit a high then i find myself enjoying life more instead of inside the gym walls.
4:03pm Marissa Marie
I do sometimes on the side but a I don’t want to work for someone sometimes it’s more about $$$ and I don’t believe in that 2 I’m trying to focus on school 3 idk. Not gonna lie idk
I don’t know how to balance it all.. that’s my problem. I beat myself up one day, it grows into two or three days.. I get fed up feeling disgusted with myself then become obsessed with eating clean and lifting till I look how I want.. or till I get depressed and feed my emotions with sugar and lots of it and oh hey look! were back at square one. It’s literally a vicious cycle..one in which every day I am learning different ways to cope and hopefully end it one day.
About the whole personal training issue…I had once dated thee ultimate douche. Made me quit my job move in change numbers watch my every mood type thing which obviously meant quiting my job (personal trainer) and it was the worst decision I ever made in my life. It was the best job, making great money doing what I love. I don’t know what I was thinking. Things were rough at that time but I thought it was the right thing to do. Afterall he was the GM of the same franchise what could go wrong. Ohhh.. lol. what didn’t? Anywho it was what it was. I learned more life lessons then just losing a job..I can be a personal trainer anywhere. I don’t feel too bad about it though because in the end I don’t want to work for a company. They think WAY too much about the money and getting peoples money than results and changing peoples life. Like for example my boss would ask me how many resigns I had that month and although I met my “goals” every time , I never got to tell her how many lifes I’ve helped change and that was the true goal. It’s just my philosophy on the matter.. so everyones right, I suppose I could just go out and train people like I use too but I am not ready for that. I will be, just not yet. I want to continue my education in the wellness field and hopefully become an actually coach (not JUST a personal trainer, something more) for everyone looking for help out there. Until then I myself am finding myself more and more everyday and although it is a struggle, I’m in it for the long run.
Don’t have much planned for the weekend. I do however want sushi BAD so that’s my only criteria for Saturday or Sunday lol. I do plan on getting a couple workouts in because it really does make me feel like I got this.
Leaving you with a recipe from Chocolate Covered Katie that I am SUPER stoked about. My mom always makes apple crisp and so I know whats in it lol (definitely not the healthiest) but I WILL enjoy some on Turkey Day, but until then this simple recipe will def leave my taste buds satisfied.
Single-Lady Apple Crumble
(can be gluten-free)
1 medium-sized apple, diced small
1/8 tsp salt
2 tbsp milk of choice
1/2 tsp apple pie spice (you can probably sub cinnamon)
1 stevia packet or 1-2 tbsp sugar or sucanat
optional add-ins: walnuts, raisins, etc.
3 tbsp quick oats (15g) (For substitution notes, see nutrition link below.)
2 tsp oat flour (or another flour of choice) (4g)
1 tbsp oil or butter-type spread (such as Smart Balance Light or Earth Balance) (15g) (For a fat-free substitution, see “nutrition facts” link below.)
Preheat oven to 350 F and grease an oven-safe 2-cup dish. In a small mixing bowl, combine first five ingredients (and optional add-ins, if desired). Stir well. In a separate mixing bowl, combine remaining three ingredients and stir well. Now mix everything together and pour into the greased dish. (If you like a more-crumbly crumble, increase the amounts of the last three ingredients.) Bake 40 minutes (in the middle of the oven, not the very top), then turn the oven to high-broil for 2-3 minutes. Turn off heat, but let sit in oven 15 more minutes.
It’s come to my attention that people actually read my blog. I mean I know they did bu..nevermind. One of my lovely followers on Instagram (@maristheshit) last night commented about reading my blog regarding “bulking”.. It was a straight sweet thing to read but I got nervous… I write with no filter, no proofreading and am constantly saving after each paragraph interrupted by work (its my fault, im blogging during work hours meh)… It’s really my fault and not making enough time to sit down and produce a well versed or put together blog piece.. but I think of this as more as my fitness journal/journey documented via the computer. It’s shows a look into my life and how each part of my day revolves around my road to self acceptance.. from recovering disordered eater to a fitness competitor. So I apologize if I sound like a complete twat sometimes.
..on to the actual reason of this post.. I wanted to actually EXPLAIN what bulking is by definition but want it to be known of how I do things.. my way of course..
Bulking is by Urban Dictionaries definition:
Bulking is a process commonly used by an individual wishing to gain weight. Commonly used in bodybuilding (Off-Season) but will also be used by fitness enthusiast. Bulking attempts to build MUSCLE MASS
Simply it is an attempt to eat a healthy diet to gain weight, whilst minimizing fat gains. The basic principle of bulking to to consume more calories than you expend. Typically a bulking diet will consist of around 6-8 meals per day, spread out every 2-3 hours. A cleverly structured diet will show the breakdown of carbs,protein and fats. Typical bulking calories usually range from around 3000 to 6000 and should be tailored to the needs of the individual and specific goals.
but overall by defintion:
1. Size, mass, or volume, especially when very large.
a. A distinct mass or portion of matter, especially a large one: the dark bulk of buildings against the sky.
b. The body of a human, especially when large or muscular.
3. The major portion or greater part: “The great bulk of necessary work can never be anything but painful” (Bertrand Russell).
5. Thickness of paper or cardboard in relation to weight.
6. A ship’s cargo.
v.bulked, bulk·ing, bulks
1. To be or appear to be massive in terms of size, volume, or importance; loom: Safety considerations bulked large during development of the new spacecraft.
2. To grow or increase in size or importance.
3. To cohere or form a mass: Certain paper bulks well.
1. To cause to swell or expand.
2. To cause to cohere or form a mass.
Being large in mass, quantity, or volume: a bulk buy; a bulk mailing.
To gain weight by gaining muscle: dietary supplements that helped the weightlifters bulk up.
.. actually a fantastic site for the “bulking” phase of this lifestyle show a few steps that caught my attention..
3. Eat Enough Calories To Grow But Don’t Get Sloppy
You will most likely gain some fat when bulking. In order to gain muscle you have to eat more calories than you burn and doing so can lead to some fat gain. Some people try to stay shredded while gaining muscle by either not eating enough calories or doing too much cardio. Doing so may allow them to stay super lean but they won’t be gaining much muscle. At the other end of the spectrum some people eat everything in sight to get as many calories as they can. This strategy will definitely lead to weight gain, but a lot of that weight will be fat and not muscle. The best approach is to eat sufficient calories to gain muscle but don’t get crazy with your eating and still doing some cardio to maintain cardiovascular health.
4. Do Some Cardio While Bulking
I recommend doing 2-3, 20-30 minute sessions of cardio each week while bulking (ideally on a non-weight training day) to maintain cardiovascular health and keep you fit. Cardiovascular training improves the heart’s ability to pump blood and increases oxygen uptake into cells. Strenuous weight training can be aerobically taxing and therefore having an efficient, strong heart will allow you to train harder. In addition, a fit person burns more fat at rest than an unfit person, so doing cardio while bulking can help keep you lean.
How can I explain this. When you work out you have to take into consideration that you will be burning calories **(okay it also depends if you half ass shit alright? That’s why its the best to get a heart rate monitor to track JUST how many calories you are burning. It makes that much of a difference in the long run. Have you ever seen the number of calories you burn when you run on the treadmill?? Yeah now practically cut those in half and that’s your real number of calories burned. The only cardio equipment I see that’s SEMI accurate is the stairmaster and the spin bikes.. So if you don’t understand why you aren’t losing weight, its because calories are calories no matter what. If you’re half assing your workouts but eat like you ran a marathon.. it’s going to catch up to you)** Sorry about that.. so although my heart rate monitor is sitting on my desk (my spacecaseself just needs a battery.. what the shit.. lol that’s it!) Any who, I can guessitmate the amount of calories I burned and can alter the amount of the food I consume post workout (yes this is NOT accurate.. obviously)… but I don’t always have a good workout and I need to take all of that into consideration. Shitty workout usually = shitty amount of calories burned =less food to refuel.. I have been doing this for so long that once you get the hang of it you almost don’t even have to measure anything (off season of course, competing really does get down to a science).
..With that being said, I am consuming a lot of carbs. Bulk now, lean later! I have a banana in the morning with possible oatmeal (besides my regular protein shake). I have rice cakes throughout the day, and greek yogurt with grapes on occasion. I eat brown rice for lunch and possibly a carb pre and DEFINITELY post workout. I am also lifting HEAVY and burning many calories during a workout. I use the food to FUEL me and my workouts, then feed them after wards to they gain some shape. Once I have “filled” out, whenever I see the most progress, I will start upping my cardio and taking out foods one at a time. It may decreasing a meal in which it has carbs (never on leg day though. Leg days I EAT unless last week post comp).. Whatever it is, the longer I train and pretend to compete I will soon see my abs again..(and I can’t fucking wait). Another huge thing is you may feel uncomfortable, clothes might not feel right, may at times feel “fat”.. Like right now.. I feel bloated as hell and I just feel swollen. Like all over..Every where. lol. But it is what it is. I just have to be patient, and know that the more cardio I end up doing the leaner I will get but in good time. It’s all about calories in versus calories out and being smart about it. I want to see the kind of shape I can put on my legs and I will continue to eat and lift to do so. I think they have some potential.. ok ok.. I think I have some potential 🙂
Definition of potential: existing in possibility : capable of development into actuality.
A little peak into my everyday life… Eating rice cakes sitting in traffic, stoked about leg day.. walking Marley and her being all cute and shit and ending the day with a fantastic dinner grilled by the boy.. Really finished off the night 🙂
Am: Protein shake with fruit probably (Dymatize, Flaxseed and Hemp).
1030: snacked on a rice cake with a few almonds..
Another snack: greek yogurt and 1/2 c grapes..
Late Lunch: chicken “fried” rice..
On my way home (post workout): Applesauce, A few rice cakes and some protein later on after I prepped my meals when I got home..
Post Workout: A slice of Ezekiel with Nuts n More Protein PB and a small banana..
See so right now I am not watching what I am eating.. or at least the amount of which I am eating. Once I get closer and closer, like mention previously, that’s when things start getting a bit rough (early morning cardio, no more cheat meals.. you know, the basics! haha)..
So after my bad experience with baking with honey, I found this article pretty helpful. It explains where the “natural” sweeteners come from and the process they go through till they reach the consumer. This article also is a little cheat sheet for when you are baking (adding liquid sugar vs granular WILL change the recipe.. you have to lessen another liquid to equal it out).. So enjoy this article and below it I will write out the recipes of which I made today ( I was on a baking/cooking SPREEEEEEE).. hahaha..
Sugarcane is a tropical grass that has been cultivated by humans for thousands of years. Making what we know as table sugar from sugarcane can range from a relatively simple to a multistep process, and the final result varies depending on the specific steps in the process. Light and dark brown, powdered, and granulated white sugars are all highly refined, while others, like those listed below, are made with fewer steps on the processing chain. Fewer steps benefit the environment, because less processing means less environmental impact. It also means that more of the vitamins and minerals that naturally occur in sugarcane remain in the end product. All of these sugarcane sweeteners can be found in the baking aisle and/or bulk bins of natural foods stores.
Blackstrap molasses, unlike other sugarcane sweeteners, contains significant amounts of vitamins and minerals. “First” molasses is left over when sugarcane juice is boiled, cooled, and removed of its crystals. If this product is boiled again, the result is called second molasses. Blackstrap molasses is made from the third boiling of the sugar syrup and is the most nutritious molasses, containing substantial amounts of calcium, magnesium, potassium, and iron. When buying, consider choosing organic blackstrap molasses, as pesticides are more likely to be concentrated due to the production of molasses. Cooking notes: Blackstrap molasses has a very strong flavor, so it is best to just replace a small portion of sugar with molasses.
Rapadura is the Portuguese name for unrefined dried sugarcane juice. Probably the least refined of all sugarcane products, rapadura is made simply by cooking juice that has been pressed from sugarcane until it is very concentrated, and then drying and granulating it or, traditionally, pouring it into a mold to dry in brick form, which is then shaved. Because the only thing that has been removed from the original sugarcane juice is the water, rapadura contains all of the vitamins and minerals that are normally found in sugarcane juice, namely iron. A German company called Rapunzel is the main company that markets pure, organic rapadura in the U.S. Cooking notes: Rapadura replaces sugar 1:1 and adds a molasses flavor and dark color, so its great in baked goods like brownies, coffee and black tea, but it may not be desirable in something like lemonade.
Sucanat stands for sugar-cane-natural, and is very similar to rapadura. It is made by mechanically extracting sugarcane juice, which is then heated and cooled until tiny brown (thanks to the molasses content) crystals form. It contains less sucrose than table sugar (88 percent and 99 percent, respectively). Cooking notes: Sucanat replaces sugar 1:1 and is also an accepted substitute for traditional brown sugar. Use it as you would rapadura (see above).
Turbinado sugar is often confused with sucanat, but the two are different. After the sugarcane is pressed to extract the juice, the juice is then boiled, cooled, and allowed to crystallize into granules (like sucanat, above). Next, these granules are refined to a light tan color by washing them in a centrifuge to remove impurities and surface molasses. Turbinado is lighter in color and contains less molasses than both rapadura and sucanat. A popular brand-name of turbinado sugar is Sugar in the Raw, which can be found in most natural food stores, and even in single-serve packets at coffee shops. Cooking notes: Replaces sugar 1:1. Turbinado is a great substitute for brown sugar, too.
Evaporated cane juice is essentially a finer, lighter-colored version of turbinado sugar. Still less refined than table sugar, it also contains some trace nutrients (that regular sugar does not), including vitamin B2. In Europe, it’s known as “unrefined sugar.” Cooking notes: Replaces sugar 1:1. Can be used in a wide variety of foods and recipes without adversely affecting color or flavor.
Natural sweeteners are flooding the market these days. Here’s a rundown of some of the most common ones that are not made from sugarcane.
Agave nectar is produced from the juice of the core of the agave, a succulent plant native to Mexico. Far from a whole food, agave juice is extracted, filtered, heated and hydrolyzed into agave syrup. Vegans often use agave as a honey substitute, although its even sweeter and a little thinner than honey. It contains trace amounts of iron, calcium, potassium and magnesium. Agave nectar syrup is available in the baking aisle at most natural foods stores. The fructose content of agave syrup is much higher than that of high fructose corn syrup, which is of concern since some research has linked high fructose intake to weight gain (especially around the abdominal area), high triglycerides, heart disease and insulin resistance. High fructose corn syrup contains 55% fructose while agave nectar syrup contains 90%. Despite this, it has a low glycemic index because of its low glucose content. Cooking notes: To replace 1 cup of sugar, use 2/3 cup of agave nectar, reduce the quantity of liquids slightly, and reduce the oven temperature by 25 degrees Fahrenheit. It also makes a good sweetener in cold liquids, such as iced tea.
Brown rice syrup is made when cooked rice is cultured with enzymes, which break down the starch in the rice. The resulting liquid is cooked down to a thick syrup, which is about half as sweet as white sugar and has a mild butterscotch flavor. It is composed of about 50% complex carbohydrates, which break down more slowly in the bloodstream than simple carbohydrates, resulting in a less dramatic spike in blood glucose levels. It’s worth noting that the name “brown rice syrup” describes the color of the syrup, not the rice it’s made from, which is white. Cooking notes: To replace one cup of sugar, use 1-1/3 cups brown rice syrup, and for each cup of rice syrup added, reduce liquid by 1/4 cup and add 1/4 teaspoon baking soda. Brown rice syrup has the tendency to make food harder and crispier, so its great in crisps, granolas, and cookies. You may want to combine it with another sweetener for cakes and sweet breads.
Honey, made by bees from the nectar of flowers, is a ready-made sweetener that contains traces of nutrients. Cooking notes: To replace 1 cup sugar in baked goods, use about 3/4 cup of honey and lower the oven temperature 25 degrees Fahrenheit and reduce liquids by about 2 Tablespoons for each cup of honey.
Maple syrup comes from the sap of maple trees, which is collected, filtered, and boiled down to an extremely sweet syrup with a distinctive flavor. It contains fewer calories and a higher concentration of minerals (like manganese and zinc) than honey. You can find it in bulk in some natural foods stores, but don’t be fooled by fake maple syrups, which are cheaper and more readily available at the grocery store. “Maple-flavored syrups” are imitations of real maple syrup. To easily tell the difference, read the ingredients list on the nutrition label. True maple syrup contains nothing but “maple syrup.” Imitation syrups are primarily made of high fructose corn syrup, sugar, and/or artificial sweeteners, and contain 3 percent maple syrup (or less). Cooking notes: To replace 1 cup sugar in baking, use about 3/4 cup of maple syrup and lower the oven temperature 25 degrees Fahrenheit. For each cup of maple syrup, reduce liquids by about 2 tablespoons.
Mac and Cheese Lite
Makes: 4 servings
Nonstick cooking spray
4 ounces whole wheat macaroni
1/2 cup onion-garlic puree (see “Rocco’s Secret Weapon,” below)
1/2 teaspoon dry mustard
Pinch cayenne pepper
1 cup shredded 50 percent reduced-fat cheddar
1/3 cup nonfat Greek yogurt
1/4 cup whole wheat panko bread crumbs
1/4 cup grated Parmesan
Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. Mist an 8-by-8-inch baking dish with cooking spray; set it aside.
Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Add macaroni and cook according to package directions, drain.
Meanwhile, bring onion-garlic puree, mustard, and cayenne to a simmer in a small saucepan over medium heat, stirring often. Whisk in cheddar until melted. Remove from heat and whisk in yogurt.
In a medium bowl, toss the macaroni with the cheese sauce. Season with salt to taste. Pour the mixture into the prepared baking dish and sprinkle panko over the top. Top with Parmesan.
Bake until Parmesan is melted and macaroni is hot throughout, about 10 minutes.
Adapted from http://www.fitnessmagazine.com.. However… I didn’t add their garlic/onion mix, bread crumbs or parmesan. I also didn’t bake it.. I cooked the noodles, drained them, mixed cheese spices and yogurt, added noodles and served. Tasted A M A Z I N G…
.. I also cooked brown rice fettuccine noodles with ground turkey and a tomato sauce (that I swear cost like like $6.50.. lol.. the less ingredients the more expensive? Makes sense).
AAAANNNNDDDDDDDDDD I made coconut whipped cream. Fuck that nasty shit that has God only knows what ingredients in that store bought shit.. This tastes great.. fucking more than great., fucking fantastic and SUPER FUCKING SIMPLE!!!
Legit all you need is a can of full fat coconut milk (I also added a sweetener and a few dropped of vanilla). Alright so take the top off the FF c milk and leave (topless) in the fridge for 24 hours. Their should be a film on top that you just scoop off. Whisk with vanilla and sweetener (if you’d like) and ENJOY!!!! I recently got my order for my quest bars and I added a scoop on top of the strawberry cheesecake bar and I fell in love! Shit tasted like a strawberry shortcake. Fuck yes.
SO that is what I have been doing.. cooking/baking/sleeping and working out.. I had a kick ass arm workout tonight.. didn’t do much cardio but did a lot of active rests and plyo work to make up for it. I was sweating like a mad man.. and sort of uncomfortable hence why I didn’t do much cardio. I get like that sometimes, but at least I killed my arms 🙂
Post Work Out 1/2 Meal
&& My Protein Brownie Bars!
This has been my weekend haha.. I am going to finish up emails and PROOFREADING (yes.. you read that right) this entry and put a movie in and hopefully get to bed early so I can get a morning cardio sesh in… less than 4 weeks till my BIRFFFDAY!!!! Super excited.
Hope y’all enjoy everything!
So.. it’s 2 months till my birthday, and I think I am going to do a little 8 week “challenge“.
..considering it has officially been 4 weeks since my bikini competition and I look like I shouldn’t be in one, lol. I figured this is a great way to start contest prep (I will start training for competition the week after my birthday), but I want to feel fucking fantastic for my birthday 🙂
..nothing too strenuous, nothing too life changing. Just a simple 8 week BIRTHDAY BODY challenge, YEP!!!
It will consist of:
1-2 cheat meals.
6 training days, 5 cardio days, and 1 off day.
1 yoga, 3x sauna.
A SHIT TON OF FUCKING WATER!
It will NOT consist of:
or Processed Foods (except Cheat Meals).
Pot Smoking <– (I KNOW!.. ugh!).
This is something that everyone can do. It’s simple yet SO effective. I took a before picture so I can track my progress. I don’t know if I’ll do a weekly progress shot but definitely before and after. Just watch what a few simple tricks can do for someone. Yes I am not “fat” or overweight by any means but 1. this will kick start ANY ones progress, and 2. you will feel fantastic! No joke.
The easiest thing to do is to just start by taking 1 thing away at a time. See how you adjust. See how you feel hour to hour, day to day. If you want to change your life, you have to understand it will NOT happen in a day. So take your time and be patient. If you want something enough, there will always be a way to get it.