Treading water just to stay afloat.

Finally writing, updating my life ventures via the internet. I have a couple hours to spare so, why not?

Once again, and for the last what? 2-3 posts, I am still overwhelmed. I am getting underpaid for overworking and sooner rather than later, I think it is going to catch up to me. Knowing this, I have been praying, crying, over thinking and panicking about my life situation at the moment. Is all that healthy? no.. but it at least it has me attempting to get the ball moving, to get proactive. I cant just wait around anymore. I cant just sit on an idea, a dream and just exist in the world. Where is that going to get me? Where HAS it gotten me? No where fast, no where worth being proud about that’s for sure.

I have been through a lot in my life and it has lead me to have a world full of insecurities affecting EVERYTHING in my life. Each day its different. One day I feel accomplished, the next unmotivated and taken advantage of. Its not fair to be constantly in turmoil, to be anxious and stressed. I NEED to do something about it, not just blog about it and one day hope to God that things change. I HAVE TO CHANGE THEM MYSELF.

So this post seems to be spiraling down the depressed path that it usually does, however, it was inspired by moments of truth.

I have recently taken up a new client and after spending many hours with him, helping inspiring training him, I have come to gain a rather special person in my life. One that has offered to lend a helping hand, only to have known me for a week or so. Not many people in this world have good intentions, fuck most wont even hold the door open for you so what has transpired has literally had me in tears. I don’t want to go much into detail about it because it could jeopardize a lot of things in my life and at the moment I don’t have much to fall back on, so I will keep it short and sweet.

In the last few weeks, I have opened my eyes and my mind to the bigger picture that I want to see in my near future. Something that I want to reach for, a dream I would love to see come true, something I plan on working very hard for. Something like this, especially for me has come with many insecurities like I mentioned earlier. Whether its because I don’t believe in myself or any other reason, it has deterred me from being successful in the past. I have always just done my part, doing what was expected of me and evidently been taken advantage of which led to burning out quickly. Although I was in the field that I wanted to be in, started my career at 19 years old, I gave it up for a boy. Something that I do infact regret, but will forever have learned an important lesson. I will live my life for me. Any and everyone else should just compliment it, not trouble it. I can’t depend on anyone but myself and will keep on fighting to stay afloat. However that doesnt mean I dont have a great support system, because as of lately I have really been blessed with a great (and growing) one.

This client of mine, who again barely knows me, spent an hour on the phone with me the other day. Talking about how he knows and feels how passionate I am about what I am doing. How I NEED to start thinking for myself and being proactive about broadening my horizons, shooting for something bigger than just the bare minimum. I mean, what AM I WAITING FOR? To win the lottery? That one special break in a career? Someone to do all the work and I just take credit for it? I don’t know.. fuck it could be anything considering I have waited this long to finally get my head out of my ass. He told me that I have something in me that many people don’t and that I need to use it to the best of my ability. We got some ideas rolling and with the help of him and my Wellness Coaching instructor, I am very close to finishing up the brainstorming process and moving forward with this idea. I cannot tell you how truly AMAZING it is, to have people believe in you.. Other than family and friends, having strangers take time out of their lives to tell you that they support you is a phenomal feeling. Like for instant, I was checking my facebook messages earlier and here is what a fellow fb friend wrote:

hey, i just wanted to say that i just read some of your blog, as well as i enjoy reading your posts on Facebook. You definitely should start your own business, you know what your talking about and you have people skills to get the job done, but keep up the good work at work as well on the blog!

PS it would be cool if you could start a little podcast thing and just talk for an hour or so every so often instead of writing everything down.

Insert instant smile here.

It’s an unbelievable feeling and again, I feel so blessed.

After finishing up talking with this client he mentioned (said a disclaimer before lol) that I am “too pretty to be bitter”. It hit me right in the heart because its true. Not so much the too pretty part (lol.. insecure much?) but the bitter part. There are many things in my life that I wish to gain control of before I go on this rollercoaster of a ride idea of mine and hope that everyday I get a little bit stronger. Physically (obviously :P) but mentally, emotionally because as far as I can tell I havent even broke the surface regarding those two aspects of my life. For example last night,.. I tried breaking up with the love of my life (again). I felt I was putting too much time and effort into him and not into myself (like I did prior with another guy). Something that I promised to myself that I would NEVER do again. I have had anxiety for awhile now in regards to (well just about everythung in my life) but more so in my relationship with him. Although he is be far THEE best guy I have EVER dated, I can’t be selfish and hold onto something that could possibly benefit form me parting from. There are alot of things that have happened that has broken trust, but nothing that can’t be fixed. I just don’t think it has been lately, even attempted really. I think its that mentatlity that time heals everything or something because I feel just stuck overthinking (EVERYTHING). Although I am loved and adored yadda ya I still feel lonely. I feel caught up in a world where it doesnt matter if you fail or succeed. A world where good people are hard to come by.

I am afraid of the future for what it will or will not bring. I am constantly overwhelmed over everything I have no control over. I know what I do wrong, how I am and how I act, yet I do nothing about it thinking someday it will all change and be better. LOL. aint that something. Its literally like some (yes some, more than one) clients thinking eating a Whopper before working out with me is a good idea. You know its not, yet you keep eating shitty getting the same results hoping one day the good will outweigh the bad and life will be happily every after once and for all.

Hmm.. if only that’s how it worked. Instead you must work hard and believe even harder. Having faith in the unknown is one of the most difficult things we will face in the world today but something that will keep your mind body and spirit striving to be better each day forward.

Well I guess I really didn’t keep that short, but I laughed when I wrote that anyways. Hoping to post up progress pictures some time in the near future (but uploading on this gay macbook is difficult) but until then, enjoy all my random ass blog posts.

What do you recommend I eat?

Finally going to have a blog post worth saving.. or at least not instantly trash canning this shit. HA! Still overwhelmed as FUCK.. but figured since I have some clients to attend to, that I would also write something that had a little depth to it. I have recently made a transition to a full-time personal trainer and was bombarded by more than 2 dozen clients all at once. The time I have with them is VERY limited (30 min to be precise) and have found that I needed to go just a tad further outside of a session to fully make sure that my clients are up to par with what fitness goals may entail.

Food.

It is a huge part of any weight loss and even weight gain goals. Most people are either too ignorant or simply uneducated when it comes to what they should be eating to ensure maximum results. So I have taken it upon myself to grab all the emails of my clients so I can further communicate with them outside of, again, our 30 minute session ( I do not agree with 30 minute sessions. Work out wise, yes I can give you a great work out in that time but when it comes to talking and getting to know the bigger issue as to why they have a personal trainer in the first place, is usually non existent). So here we have a list of foods that is “fair game”. I do not want people to start eliminating food groups because of some fad diet said they would lose 20lbs in a week. You want to lose/gain weight the HEALTHY way. Lose bad habits, form better ones and increase your knowledge base when it comes to working out. This is a LIFESTYLE change not a simple fix. If you think that way, 80% of the time you will gain the weight (and plus some) right back and will be in the same spot you once were.

Proteins

• Boneless, Skinless Chicken Breast
• Tuna (water packed), or White Meat Chicken (water packed)
• Fish (tilapia, cod, halibut, and on occasion salmon and sea bass)
• Shrimp
• Extra Lean Ground Beef or Ground Round (92-96%)
• Buffalo steak (lean)
• Protein Powder (lactose free)
• Egg Whites or Eggs
• Rib eye Steaks or Roast
• Top Round Steaks or Roast (aka Stew Meat, London Broil, Stir Fry)
• Top Sirloin (aka Sirloin Top Butt)
• Beef Tenderloin (aka Filet, Filet Mignon)
• Top Loin (NY Strip Steak)
• Flank Steak (Sir Fry, Fajita)
• Eye of Round (Cube Meat, Stew Meat, Bottom Round , 96% Lean Ground Round)
• Extra Lean Ground turkey, Turkey Breast Slices or cutlets (fresh meat, not deli cuts)

Complex Carbs

• Oatmeal (Old Fashioned or Quick Oats)
• Sweet Potatoes (Yams)
• Beans (pinto, black, kidney)
• Oat Bran Cereal (watch sugar, less than 6 grams)
• Brown Rice
• Ezekiel Bread (frozen healthy section of Kroger’s or Whole Foods)
• Farina (Cream of Wheat from box)
• Multigrain Hot Cereal
• Pasta (Whole Wheat, Ezekiel brand – watch serving, very dense)
• Rice (jasmine, basmati, Arborio, wild, brown)
• Potatoes (red, baking, new)
• Kashi Low Sugar Cereals (less than 6 grams of sugar)
• Whole Wheat Pita (Low Carb Variety – Joseph’s Pita Bread, or Food for Life brand)
• Carbdown Flatbread (Wal-Mart)
• Corn Tortillas (Food for Life Brand is best, microwave to make crispy)
• Whole Wheat Tortillas (Food for Life brand)
• Rice Cakes (lightly salted only)

Fibrous Carbs & Vegetables (Fresh first, frozen second, canned last choice)

• Green Leafy Lettuce (Green Leaf, Red, Leaf, Romaine)/Bagged Salad
• Broccoli
• Asparagus
• String Beans
• Black Beans
• Spinach
• Bell Peppers
• Brussels Sprouts
• Cauliflower
• Celery
• Mushrooms
• Pickles
• Cabbage
• Sprouts
• Cucumber
• Green or Red Pepper
• Onions
• Garlic
• Tomatoes
• Zucchini
• Squash
• Spaghetti Squash (my fav)
• Pumpkin

Fruit

• Berries (blueberries and raspberries)
• Lemons or Limes
• Melons (not watermelon)
• Grapefruit
• Apples
• Dates
• Grapes
• Oranges
• Eat bananas, strawberries, peaches or plums sparingly (lots of natural sugar)
• No dried fruits, including raisins (loaded with sugar)

Healthy Fats

• Natural Style or Organic Peanut Butter, even better, Peanut Wonder (Whole Foods Market)
• Olive Oil or Safflower Oil
• Nuts (peanuts, almonds)
• Flaxseed Oil
• Avocado

Dairy & Eggs

• Low-fat or Fat-free cottage cheese
• Eggs
• Low or Non-Fat Milk (eat dairy only occasionally)
• Non-fat yogurt (look for low sugar only)
• Fat free String Cheese
• Fat free Cream Cheese

Beverages

• Bottled Water
• Iced Tea (decaf)
• Coffee (decaf)
• Diet Soda
• Crystal Light or Wal-Mart Brand Sugar Free Drink Mixes

Condiments & Misc.

• Fat Free Mayonnaise (on occasion)
• Ketchup (Heinz One Carb brand only)
• Reduced Sodium Soy Sauce
• Reduced Sodium Teriyaki Sauce
• Balsamic Vinegar
• Balsamic or Raspberry Vinaigrette (Farm Grove)
• Salsa or Fresh Pico De Gallo
• Splenda
• Steak Sauce
• Sugar Free or Low Carb Ketchup
• Sugar Free Maple Syrup
• Sugar Free Jelly (Polaner or Smuckers)
• Chili Paste
• Tomato Paste (low sugar)
• Mustard (yellow or Dijon)
• Extracts (vanilla, almond, etc)
• Low Sodium fat free beef or fat free chicken broth
• Plain or reduced sodium tomatoes sauce, puree, paste (look for low sugar)
• Worcestershire Sauce
• Fat free cooking spray
• Sugar Free Applesauce for baking

Herbs & Spices

• Chili powder
• Mrs. Dash (all varieties)
• McCormick’s (all varieties)
• Butter Buds
• Cinnamon
• Allspice
• Basil
• Bay leaf
• Onion Powder
• Garlic Powder
• Dill
• Ginger
• Sage
• Rosemary
• Paprika
• Thyme
• Oregano
• Curry Powder
• Red Pepper
• Marjoram
• Tarragon
• Dry Mustard
• Cumin
• Saffron
• Nutmeg
• Pumpkin Pie Spice
• Black Pepper

Other Items to Purchase

• Fat-Free Cool Whip
• Tofutti fudge pops (my fav)
• Sugar Free Jell-O
• Sugar Free Popsicles (Philly Swirl are awesome)
• DaVinci Gourmet Sugar Free Syrups (www.davincigourmet.com – my best kept secret!) Add to oatmeal for breakfast or to make a variety of different muffins, cookies or pancakes.
• Tacori Sugar Free Syrups (World Market)

Thank God for the auto save because all of this and above just deleted on me (bc of the diet coke that spilled on my Mac. It now has a mind of its own, but HEY! it still works!)…

Alright so back to what I was saying. All these foods listed above are “fair game”, like mentioned before. That means whatever is on this list you are more than welcome to add to your diet. This is quite a large list of foods, so I want people to understand that “dieting” (which is really just eating healthy) isn’t as bad as EVERYONE makes it out to be. You can still eat, in fact, I ENCOURAGE IT!!!!!!!!! Why starve, when I can get you to your results eating 5-9 times a day? Who wants to work harder when all you have to do is work smarter?

Here is a status that FitBitch on facebook wrote:

There is no need to cut something from your diet completely unless you have an allergy. You like cake? Eat cake. Just don’t eat it every day. You like wine? Drink it. How realistic is it that you’ll never consume the foods you love ever again? So why do you keep choosing plans that do just that? You’re eating crap in excess because your hormones are out of whack, and your hormones are out of whack because you eat too much crap. Once you start adding in more nutritionally dense foods the really awful stuff has a tendency to find its way to the door on its own, and if it comes back for a visit now and again, no need to fret, just burn it up in the gym and move on with life. – Meg

Doesn’t that make perfect sense? Becoming healthy has such a bad rep because people think that they can never have what that they love ever again. That’s NOT true! All it is, is people need to know when to have things in moderation. When to tell ourselves “no” and enough is enough. Once you lose sight of bad habits and form better ones, you will not only WANT to eat healthy but the shit foods will become less appealing as time goes by. Actually.. that was a fucking lie. I can ALWAYS eat pizza.. cupcakes.. a twix bar.. but the WANT to have those items seems to “find its way to the door”. You end up LOVING what you see in the mirror and realize that eating shitty food only takes you in the opposite direction. So once again, why starve? Why eat like shit all the time? Don’t you FEEL like shit, once you do consume those types of foods? I know I do. I’ll eat healthy, have a “cheat meal” and regret it almost instantly. Sometimes not only physically do I feel like shit, but mentally I feel guilty as hell cheating on my almost perfect “diet” plan. However, sometimes Ill admit, it does keep me sane. There is a simple concept I want all of you to take from this post.. eat to live, don’t live to eat.

You’ll thank me later.

Starting at the bottom..

Once again, can’t keep consistent with this thing. I was busy before but now, holyshitballs I am so overwhelmed. Even more so than last time I said I was overwhelmed..

Bombarded with clients, should be a good thing considering I just recently made a switch to a full time personal trainer.. However it has me suuuperr stressed. Trying to make everyone happy while still taking a decent paycheck to pay my bills.. I’m getting get shit, another pay cut. I suppose we all have to start at the bottom somewhere right?

Other than work, which is still exciting while its overwhelming, I am still taking my wellness coaching class. I have about 2-3 weeks left and a paper to write in a week, which I haven’t started.  I need to sit down once my schedule is “normal” and really start prioritizing my life. The only good thing I suppose I have to write about is the fact that I have stayed consistent with my work outs and “diet”. Like legit consistent and it feels amazing. I don’t have much time to think about “cheating” or any excuse NOT to work out.. I mean I work at the friggin gym! Though.. My last gym I was at before I got transferred over here, many guys actually gained weight when they started at the gym. That surprised me alot.. Considering when I am in the gym setting I am INSTANTLY motivated.. It’s like when I see people working out, I want to workout! Give and take, truly finding my balance one day at a time. 

Other than my work and my work out life, things are still going well. Living paycheck to paycheck (nothing new been doing this for quite some time now), which can be stressful but I am Living my life one blessed minute at a time. 3 days ago marked my boos and I “one year” anniversary (It’s been longer actually but we never set a date or even knew when we started dating. We just.. Well did lol). He got off work a little late but we ended up going to jewel and picked up some food to grill with. We love to grill.. We love to eat 🙂 (I’m his little fat kid at heart. We get down).. Then passéd out shortly after because I had to be up at 4:15am. Yes. 4 in the morning to train clients for 3 hours.. And to think I couldn’t get up that early to even to fasted cardio.. I suppose when you’re getting paid its a little easier 😉

I don’t mind it though.. I think ill be doing that for 3days out of the week. It at least let’s me snag some cardio in before 7am which is helping my progress.  I am just excited for things to get rolling.. My schedule is filling up fast which is a good thing for my wallet.. Hopefully I stay on top of things mentally though, because personal training has a high rate of burn outs. I mean I should know.. Back a couple years ago when I first started pt’ing about a year and half in I was just done with everything. I never wanted to work for a business “middle man” again but seem to have missed this life style a little.. Getting paid crap to change people’s lives, depending on those people to show up in general but the most work comes from keeping these clients on track via their workouts. The amount of money I am gettin paid to go above and beyond for my clients (do you have too? No.. But I believe in personal training. I see and know the value an truly want to help these people) is almost insulting, it is still a HUGE passion of mine and I will express that and continue to prove it.

If its not one thing, it’s another..

Haven’t written in awhile and if it wasn’t for my boyfriend asking if I have, I problem wouldn’t be doing so.. I just feel overwhelmed with everything. I started full time personal training at a different gym and with the stress of a new job, having people dependent on you, and trying to make enough money to pay bills has hit me, once again, all at once.

AND I still have a paper to do, and 3 weeks left of class.

Oh and btw, I’m still insecure as fuck.  What about exactly? well just about everyfuckingthinginmylife. My potential, my looks, but what really sparked bringing it up, my relationship.

I don’t know if I will ever be okay.

Why can’t I focus on myself? Why am I putting so much time and effort into something that should be a “luxury”, a gift, something that should compliment your life not complicate?

I’m over it. Lmao, least for now.

Been doing pretty good in regards to my training. Had a cheat last night with the boyfriend and surprisingly did just fine today. Usually I go 2 days eating complete shit, because after the first day, by the second I am upset with myself so much my actions continue till that “breaking” point. But this time was different. Did I think about continuing to eat like shit? Sure did, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I don’t want to keep these bad habits.

Food does NOT control me.

E. Sande

You’ve got the words to change a nation
but you’re biting your tongue
You’ve spent a life time stuck in silence
afraid you’ll say something wrong