Well.. screw that thought. How about 30 days of clean eating?

Figured if I was watching Breaking Bad I could get this post started before I procrastinate it till tomorrow, than sleep in too late and wouldn’t get it done in the end. So.. in between air squats and BB, here’s today’s post.

This week was a fucking fail.

Okay, fine. Not a failure. Just another reason to try again, or do it differently. So, okay.

I got a few girls together to do 30 days all clean eating. It got brought up when we saw a picture of The Rock. Heres the picture actually. He did 150 days clean eating and had THEE most epic cheat meal (…if you could/would call it that).

So, I figured not only would I be held accountable but a few other people attempting to achieve the same thing would give me a reason to challenge myself, as they would be. I think it would be a good start. Because, frankly I’m in a freakin rut. I could go on about shit but when it comes down to it, I’m not working hard enough and my body hurts. More importantly, my wrist. So its been a back and forth thing but being a personal trainer I need to be okay. Regardless of my training, its my job. So I think I am going to focus on my eating and cardio. Not just the treadmill, but stuff that will still challenge me. Plyometrics, with out the use of my wrist. I just need to start putting more effort into whatever it is that will make me feel complete? I dont know if that’s the word but I keep holding myself back from going forward. Though, I havent been complaining about it as much. Usually, I would bitch about something but feel like an idiot because it the end it was my fault that it was what it was. Now, I am trying to make the best out of the situation I am in. Still, emotionally eating and mostly likely by definition, depressed.

I am just stuck. In my own ass.
Seriously.

This road trip has been quite the experience. Taking the road to ripped detour.

Oh man.

This week I worked out probably like 3-4 times. Nothing crazy. I hurt my wrist, and my right shoulder-blade is achy. I ate like a motherf—— cow and I dont know how I feel about it. Some of it was because I like the instant gratification (because nothing else is going right). Other was enjoying the food I was eating. Some was because, why not? Starting on Monday. Validation, excuses, not giving a fuck, routine, I don’t know. All of the above?

And as I feel I look like shit. Definition (because of being a lesser body fat) is slowly going away and so has my excitement for working out. AHHHHHHHH. I sit here though.. and right before I started writing, I felt my body. For once. I don’t even like my boyfriend doing it (I MEAN COME ON! If you’re bloated…the first thing that should not be touched is the mid section! OKAYYYYY??!! So what if Im bloated all the time).

But I did it. And although I am probably at my highest weight (don’t care per say), if I had someone run their hand up and down my leg (…weird), they would think I am crazy. My stomach isnt even that bad and if I flexed, I still had the top two “abs”. I think I have THEE worst body dysmorphic disorder, ever. I mean I knew I was a little fucked up, but I think shits getting worse.

I am mentally breaking myself down.

Alright, brb- #goodbyebreakingbad
!!!

{ Haha.. I actually liked what they did. They had a marathon of every single breaking bad. Now.. a week ago you told me the finale of breaking bad was tonight I wouldn’t of even blinked an eye.. and now.. after watching at least 10 episodes (still missed a bunch), I am super excited for this. }

Back to something important… I realized that this week I need to focus on being consistent. Here I am, a personal trainer, telling/coaching people what they should be doing ext and I can’t even do the same? So, who am I? If I can’t find motivation to do it, why should they? It is tough and it is more mentally demanding then the actual working out part of it is. But through all these years of trial and error, I am still at loss in regards to me feeling balanced. So I sit here and write… these words and the answer feels so simple, in such plain sight that I overwhelm myself. But I am here to do it. Whether I feel pushed down, out of hope, run down, or at a risk for failure, no matter what, I have yet to give up.

So, this is it. If I cannot prove to myself that I can do it, at LEAST for 30 days.. I need to reevaluate what I am doing with my life (personal training). I need to get out of this fucking mess I put myself in. I need to focus. I need to focus on being consistent and not some lazy fucking person.

Yeah, that’s it.

Well, this is it. 30 days, no cheat meal.

I want to feel like I can FUCKING DO IT! Like, REALLY do it… As I was creeping fitness pages online, I came up with this and needed to save it:
“Once upon a time I started working hard to get the results I wanted. But I still fuck it up lots”. – Hardcore J

That’s my life in a nutshell.

UPDATE:

DAY 1/30 went a little like this..

3:25: 15 min cardio done. Got here 30 min early so why not. Checked my apts and working with 1 (30 min) break till 1030.

My arm is hurting more as the day goes by. Going to check with H to see if he knows anything off the top of his head. Otherwise I’m going to just ice it and lay off upper body for a bit. It’ll give me time to focus on my diet and doing cardio (about damn time eh)

5:30: have yet to have a break. Thought I would at 4:30 but no. Hungry as fuck.

Snuck in some chicken in between clients and even during :O how unprofessional.

10:15pm: finally home. Another chicken breast down. No other cardio done. Ate well under 1000 calories. Fail. Super fail.

Picture Hoarder Part I

I get a lot of crap for always taking so many pictures (i e thanks boyfriend). Of just about everything. I don’t know what it is, I just like to capture the moment of something I enjoyed, in some way shape of form.

So as I was trying to update the software for the iphone (gofigure eh?), my pictures starting downloading. And now I have realized I do in fact take, keep or store tons of pictures. I want to try to motivate people with things that have truly wow’d me, or just something that I obviously thought was worth keeping. Yes, I guess you could say I’m a picture hoarder.

L O L.

This could mean more to me than just the sexy ass bod! Seriously, this is beyond bad ass.

 

I believe I’ve done these, but were called champagnes. AND OMG I LOVE THEM! They hurt so bad yet sooooooo good.

 

This back speaks for itself #motivation.

 

So, as you can see, in most cases I screen shot the picture. Unless I am using it on my instagram, I will leave the pictures like this to ensure that the correct person can take credit for the picture (especially recipes).

Please. PLEAAASSSSSSEEEE Let me find these babies. I just KNOW these are fantastic. #lemoniloveyou #teamoreo

 

Such a great capture. Just one bad b.

 

#SAYNOTODIETS

But honestly, this picture is FLIPPING hiliarious. Not to forget that the girl who posted it is just as funny. I literally watch her videos over and over like a creep because she is THAT funny. Check her out on instagram @mo_lllly. I always see good food and (for the most part) always take a bit. I can always do more cardio, but sometimes good food doesnt always come around when youre allowed to “eat it” ( as in if you have a “cheat meal”). If and when I am not competing, I will always have something if I want it. Why would you ever deny yourself something that would make you happy, 5 seconds or not? I love food. If I want a bite of a cupcake or well, the whole damn thing I will. And you should too. Keep your sanity, youll thank me later…

And since I seem to SS (screen shot) ALOT, and most of them either motivation or a recipe, they get lost. So, I definitely want to start writing down the recipes or at least shooting the picture (with cred!) on here just so I can refer to the website instead of scrolling through hundreds of thousands of pictures. Here is a recipe that I’ll end this episode of picture hoarding with 🙂

Pretty simple. I like recipes in which I would have majority of the ingredients already at home. I want to start a collection that could better assist my clients with. Snacking is a huge ordeal when it comes down to working out and getting in shape. I need to come up with something that takes the punishment out of “dieting” with.

Just a little check in. Woke up around 6am took a few clients and ended with 45 minutes of cardio. I ate, and now time for a little nap. The only thing is my iphone is still updating because it has started and stopped 4 times because the lap top was no longer in use.. DECISIONS DECISIONS!!!!

 

ZZZzzZzZZZZZZZzzzZZZ

1/8 week motiv8- Strength.

Well. I’m sure you are all aware that I haven’t written in days weeks.. possibly even months. I don’t even know at this point. things got super hectic, and kind of still are..
I’m going thru this whole thing at work and its slowly draining me. the amount of time and effort I am putting into this job, I should be well off ($$ wise).. but still just skating by paycheck to paycheck. I m seeing an average of 12, 22 being the highest amount, of people every day for training. 2 times a week I am up at 430am (was once, 3 x a week), back home for 2-3 hours then back in the gym from 12-930. This last week however, I have been training every day. So on top of training myself before everyone else (which I don’t know is a good thing because I am always exhausted), I am practically in the gym more than I am home. At one point it took a huge toll on me. I stopped working out and as a result ate like shit (or.. did I start eating like shit in which turned to an absent of those workouts?? hmmmm) and more importantly, felt like shit about myself (and in general, headaches. massive bell aches. Thank you acid reflux).

But just like a roller coaster with its lows, I have been slowly reaching one of those highs. Life has seemed to be turning for the better and I am obviously taking it for granted. I mean, I should right? Appreciate whats right in front of me? The “right now”?? Anyways.. Its sunday, I found a time to write. I actually have been wanting to write earlier but felt that I would feel pressured (like I always do actually). You know I never reread what I wrote? I only spell check it. I get so overwhelmed that I could write for hours, proofread, then select all delete that shit like nothing ever happen.

Tis’ true.

So, instead, I write and say it is what it is and post it. I don’t know. I feel like until I find a smooth transition into a nice blog (like I have imagined) Ill continue to write like there was no delete button…

I actually wrote down what I wanted to cover in this post.. weird. I have never done that before. I just wanted to make sure I mentioned a few things… What I have learned in the last couple weeks, where I want to see myself.. things like that.. The list kind of goes like this (which is actually written on a poster for the 2013 midwest ironman lol).

Do whatever makes you happy.
Strength
-Being strong
8 Weeks
Calories
Weight training
Cardio
1500-2000*
Progress Pictures
Food
Work
Progress

Well, I have been kind of talking about work, so we can cross that one off. Lets being with the 8 weeks. Now, 7 weeks but this was referring to the competition I planned on doing. I don’t think I will be doing it. but I am training like I am. I am taking weekly progress pictures and will post them at the end of the 8 weeks. I am playing around with my macros and added in 3 (30-45) minutes of cardio in this week and next. My calories are ranging from 1500-2000*. I have successfully worked out each week and am super proud about that. I really think I am going to give it my all. I did have a cheat meal today (literally a few minutes before I starting writing) and didnt think I was going to have one for the entire 8 weeks. However, I did just finish the 8 week no cheat and let me tell you that was so hard and I fell right back on my ass. I had a hard time picking myself up because it was mixed with feeling lonely, tired and burnt out from work.. Thats like a recipe for disaster. Any who, I am staying consistent with work outs and even my cheat meals are recorded and kept track of. Speaking of which, I really want to get into the whole macro things. I want to be able to have some solid information and something I can project to other people because not only are my clients asking about it, many people comment or message me with some sort of diet question. I want to be able to just find the post click and paste and be like BAM! problem solved. Yea.. lol. wouldn’t that be nice. But it would still be helpful if I gave the basics of what to do to start losing fat and looking/feeling better. Maybe I will do some research and really put some time and effort into it (dos yes. it may take a while lol). Anyways, I am keeping track day by day what I am doing so we can see what it takes (okay what it takes for me, my bf% food intake ext) to get to where I will be in 8 weeks. I am already leaning up and I couldn’t be more ecstatic. Heres the break down of this week:

Monday 16th- 497 Calories Burned. 1:41:08. (1511 Calories Consumed).
Tuesday 17th- (no heart rate) Did a Back Work Out 15 Min Cardio. (1569 CC*).
Wednesday 18th- 35 Min Plyo and Abs. (1760CC).
Thursday 19th- Stairmaster. (1550CC).
Friday 20th- Went to RLB. Did Legs (Got told I was losing weight**) (2000CC)
Saturday 21st- Forgot what I did. OH! Went with Marley to the kids playground and did a work out there. 255 Calories Burned. (1800CC).
Sunday 22nd- (HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM)!!- Almost an hour @NS Did Upper body and ended with heavy glutes. 394 Calories Burned. (2500CC My “Cheat Meal” Day).***

*Calories Consumed
** Yes, this is technically what I want but the reason I put this here, was because when I went to my notepad to reread what I did for the week, I saw this. I would say on Monday or Tuesday of this week, a member of my gym went up to my trainer and asked him if I was gaining weight. FIRST OF ALL, ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! Like for real. Who does that… Unless.. never mind. lol. BUT, I was told this by him the second I was flabbergasted by this guy whom I have never seen at the gym before (and trust me, I know everyone lol), came up to me while I was with a client and introduced himself to me. THEN HE CAME BACK A SECOND TIME DURING HER SESSION!!! How rude. Shes a paying client. Anyways, I wasnt bragging but I NEEDED to tell CYlia and he was right by.. It was like, oh hey apparently you’re cute enough to be hit on, but some dude notices and thinks its an important enough question to be concerned if Im gaining weight. Unreal. But that’s the reason I even acknowledged it. Am I cute, fat, up and down? Lmao. I could care less. I am doing what I can to be the best that I can. If that “best” is not good enough, pretend I don’t exist. I need to learn this process of loving myself and being fit is one step closer. Being vain, egotistical, have your way but I need to love the body that I am in. With everyone else so concerned on how I look.. I can’t let being fit be a quick fix. I don’t want to starve like I have. I don’t want to spend the time I already don’t have on hours of cardio to look like a bag of bones. I want to be STRONG and being strong isn’t a walk in the park.

***This is what I DO. YOU CAN NOT DO WHAT I DO!!! I am 153ish pounds at 5’6-5’7 (lol). You need to hire someone who do some research and play around a bit. SO DO NOT COPY THIS!!!!!!! I do suggest not going under 1500 calories. That seems like a lot to most of my new clients (because they are used to being starved. Thank you Jenny Craig). But as long as you are staying active, you need that so your body doesnt hate you later.

Oatmeal mixed with 1/3c unsweetened apple sauce with pan seared apples and cinnamon.

I know this looks gross but it was so good. Chicken with mozzarella on a rice cake.

10 Egg Whites
Stevia
Cinnamon- to taste.
I beat the eggs to a stiff peak and baked it for 12 minutes at 350 degrees. Rolled up and drizzled with Walden Farms PC Syrup.

If you are a nutritionist or some kind of guru and tell me I am doing something wrong, please save it. I have been doing this for years and am playing around with what feels good. I get there is a PERFECT SCIENCE.. but for me… I will do it for a bit then have a total relapse. I need to find a way in which fits me to a tee. Not something I set myself to crash and burn. I need to do what makes me happy.. To be honest, I want to try to be gluten free, that and I want to do a blood test in which it tells you what foods to stay away from ext… I think that would be super interesting (I already know I have acid reflux 😦 ) . In the mean time, I am playing with LOW (not NO carb) and high fats. So far, I havent really felt any differences in regards to bloating or water retention. I think I may pay a little more attention to that.

AMAZING eggs on the way to work. I think this was 3 whole eggs 1/8c milk and some cheddar cheese :O

I think I knocked out a couple of those topics on that list. Other things I wanted to mention is the first one on the list, the quote :do whatever makes you happy” and it is something I will always say in the back of my mind when faced with a decision. Whatever I may be unsure about I will always ask myself if it makes me happy, WILL it make happy. I think that is so important, and es it may be easier said then done, but at the end of the day its your life. its your feel good moments memories and smiles.
..and in my case, I not only want to feel good I want to look good to feel good. I don’t know what it was that made me jump into this field but I honestly and truly don’t think I could see myself in anything other than fitness. I may be obsessed or have gone thru the unhealthy ways to get to the healthy ones, but I want to make a a difference and I think helping people help themselves is where I want to start.

Wow.. well didn’t expect that to come out so well… I think I need to just keep writing to ensure I keep this mood going.

A few other things, there are a few pictures of the foods I have been eating. Again. I have been tracking EVERYTHING I eat. Nothing has gone over 2000 calories, nothing under 1500. Boyfriend and I are doing good. I think once I started focusing on myself (working out ext) I stopped being so high-strung. I realize MY life is important. I feel like I go thru these moments all the time though. Like super into working out and loving myself then one day I just crash and burn. No this is not me being negative, just being realistic here..

The boyfriend grilling some meat for me 🙂

The beans are NOT mine ;P

Though, I think this is it. I feel really good about this one. I am going to do this for 8 weeks. THEN I will reevaluate the situation. I did the 8 week no cheat, what would make this any harder? I just need to work out and prep my meals. Thats it. I am already at the gym 58394 hours of the week, I have NO excuse not to get shit done.

&& trust me.. Im about to get shit done.

😛

Other than that, I did want to (and have been wanting to) write about strength and being strong, but I think I am going to save that until the end or at least the 8 week pit stop of this road to ripped trip.. Yea.. I think Ill do that.