The only journey is the journey within..

..and you better strap on (lol), because this is gonna be a bumpy ride.

 

Not even kidding.

 

I was updating pictures, blog posts and emails last night when I spotted a journal I had used while I was training for one of my very first shows. It mostly talks about relationships and how I am feeling throughout the days (pretty much my blog in writing). What I found to be pretty common in the posts, is me trying to understand why I binged like I did. I am still almost lost after reading even what I thought were my triggers, however I don’t really need expect or even want an explanation, but I want to be able to shed light for others. I truly believe the best teachers out there are the ones with experience. Yes, knowledge is incredibly sexy and intimidating, but experience is real life situations turned (hopefully) positive lessons learned.

 

So what I found in common was how much I wrote about food, and how it consumes me more than I consume it (which is ALMOST hard to believe right?)..My mind is constantly surrounded by images of food, when, where or if I’ll eat something, anything or everything. Fitness, weight Loss, anything revolving around my body image, clouded my brain every  s i n g l e day. NOTHING else mattered when it came down to it. With that being said, I believe I will be in the fitness industry/ have a healthy background/lifestyle till the day I die. I am not one that could continue day to day being or feeling over weight.

 

I have been heavy (or what I feel  is over weight and completely and utterly UNFUCKINGCOMFORTABLE!), and I have never hated myself more. Me being/feeling uncomfortable is nothing less than a recipe for disaster aka my main “trigger”, and for someone who wants peace in the world and hates bullying and abuse against animals blahblahblah hippie shit.. I sure practice hate in my heart, against m y s e l f. How horrible. What a SHITTY way of living and I have done this for YEARS. Eating disorder after eating disorder. Tear after tear. This was my life.

I want everyone to know out there that you need to do this for yourself. Please don;t try to drastically change for a boy or girl to get them to like you. Because if you don’t even like yourself I promise you its going to be an upward battle. Stay patient and know that if you wish, this doesn’t have to be forever. Things do change.

So tomorrow is June 1st..

..It marks my 100th post, && 6 Months Cigarette Free ❤

It is also the day I start (just) a 7 day cleanse, 2 and 1/2 weeks till contest prep, and another journey towards Operation Gonna GROW! hahahaha.. No joke. I WANT HUGE LEGS! Okay not huge, but look at Larissa Reis‘ Quads.. O. M. G.. #inlove haha

 

 

Like.. I could cry at how beautiful her legs are. lol.

 

Alright so I am ready to kick some ass. I have a pretty dope support system, and finding ways to focus on being and staying positive. I know my blog has just gotten personal and not fitness related (like it was), but that will all change. This weekend I am going to get organized (LOL.. literally just said I am the most organized unorganized person there is)… ha. That’s it for now. Life has been up and down lately, but I am holding my head up 🙂

 

oh P.S – I’m taking up running too, thanks to jlgentry ❤

First Shit Show of the Summer.

Where do I even begin?

What was suppose to be a mini 3 day vaca, couldn’t even start off on the right foot.

 

For the most part I will just post pictures (even though I don’t have many because my phone was always dead).. just because I don’t even know if words will or can describe this fucking shit show. 

 

So let’s start off with waiting for the boys to come scoop Marley and I up. Mom thinks it’s a good idea to start on about my relationship with one of the boys I have been “seeing”. I know I haven’t been open about my personal life but when its necessary I will. With that being said and without saying much, she kind of started bashing him. Ok, so I wouldn’t say “bashing” but not talking positively about our little so called “relationship”… okay fuck it, she thinks that since we are having sex that hes using me. Ok granted in most of my past relationships I have been used (and have been the user so I am no pocket of sunshine) but what she doesn’t know that if I didn’t want the sex I wouldn’t have it. Is it that hard to comprehend? The sex is great and until further notice I will continue to have it. In NO way shape or form do I feel used. This guy (again, without even saying much) is just short of amazing. And since I now know that you read my blogs, I hope you’re blushing 😉 lol kidding but honestly I hope you know that I pray to God everyday, thanking him for putting you in my life. 

 

Okay okay okay.. exactly why I don’t get all emotional and shit lol because it sounds like that ^ ^ 🙂

 

So after our argument, blood was starting to boil…. walked upstairs to get the cage out of my room (for Marley) and I literally could not figure out  how the FUCK to tear it down.. I wanted to throw it out the fucking window. My mom started getting pissed because she said it sounded like I was going to come thru the ceiling so I said fuck it and left it. Now.. maybe I should let it be known that I have always have problems managing my anger and just scream and swear and act immature as a way to cope. I have learned that this is not a healthy way of living. Trust me. 

 

So as hot tempered Marissa bitch fitted her way out the door, the boys roll up. Now.. we rented a car for the weekend because we were bringing up two dogs and a shit ton of….shit I guess (fishing poles food coolers ext) and again… 2 fucking pit bulls lol. Okay.. so they roll up.. I start putting my shit in the car and we try to get the dogs in there as well.. Well….. that didn’t work out as well as I had planned. At this point.. with the littlest shit pissing me off, I didn’t even want to go. Not to mention guess who was sitting in the SMALL ASS backseat with 1 huge pit trying to bang my baby girl THE WHOLE FUCKING TIMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

Fuck it.. not even that important.. I sat there quietly. Awkward. as. fuck. Until I realized that I wanted to drink. So I did just that. 3 hours later we pulled up to his house. At this point I realized that I needed to suck it all up for once and stop being such a gosh darn princess. We all unpacked and I made the boys peanut butter and jelly on my little bad ass sandwich grill lol.. So as we ate and drank we just chilled for a bit.

 

Fast forwarding to Saturday Morning..

 

..I impatiently wait around and before noon even hit we were in the car heading down to the water. We get into the water and we all start drinking (more so because I was freezing and the sun wasn’t out.. just like earlier where life sucked in the back of the car, apparently drinking solves problems)… a couple of bites later, the weather turned. Rain start pouring down and we headed back to shore. I was still sitting on the edge with my rod in the water… I swear rain helps fishers lol.. but it didn’t. No big deal. We head home, change and probably start drinking again. Later that night we headed to the casino and I pissed away a little bit of money.. nothing too drastic (but I can SURE as fuck see how people lose mortgages.. holy fuck).. So we all decided to sit down at the roulette table which had turned all digital, it was all touch screen. It was awesome. I sat by my dude for a bit and picked some numbers for him.. probably 20 minutes later Kornel put $20 on my screen and I started playing. I swear, INSTANTLY I was up at least double my money. I ended up walking about with $60 lol… not bad for nothing right? On our way back from the casino we stopped at this strip club that I had been to once before. Now granted I haven’t been to many strip clubs but this was like nothing short of a hole in the wall (speaking of random holes.. omg jk lol)… but just remember, I am in Wisconsin. LOL.
Here.. you weren’t suppose to take pictures but I clearly can’t follow rules…So that’s Teddy pretty much getting molested and loving it. I got groped by a stripper and my boobs were taken out and fondled. lmfao. so dirty idk wtf was going on. We leave the strip club, and we run into a younger guy (early 20’s ??) walking with a cane. I don’t know how this all started but we all got to talking. Long story short he pretty much got jumped (a pussy way of beating the crap out of someone), and it left him paralyzed. Holy fuck I know I am a bitch, but I cry like one too. I swear I could cry at the drop of a dime. sometimes, it sucks lol. But my heart dropped.. I felt so fucking bad. After we all keep drinking till the bar closed, we headed back home. The car ride back got pretty heated though. I swore at his friend (teddy) and pretty much didn’t hold back when he started saying shit I didn’t like. Clearly I was drunk so I don’t remember what was said I just know that when I get passionate about something (or feel that someone is being disrespected) I have NO problem letting people know whats up. I just don’t think being ignorant/disrespectful/hurtful is anyway shape or form is something to be proud about. I have hurt so many people in the past, that I am ashamed of it and hope that I am doing a better job not even for myself, but because of the pain I have brought on to so many people. It’s disgusting to even think about.Anyways lmfao.

blahblahblah I don’t remember anything after the car ride… soooo moving on lol..

 

Sunday Morning..

..and I am up before anyone else..aaaaaaaaaaagain (745am exactly lol). wait and wait and wait….teddy wakes up…waiiiitingggggggggggggggggg. I get annoying and wake Mike up. I keep lying to everyone and telling em its later then it really is and that we are pissing away our vaca hours! lol. I honestly dont care what people think of me anymore (I think I pissed both his friends off at some point, AND him now that I think about it lol)… so we pack up the booze and the rods and errrrybody and head out (not even 11am lol), we stop at the gas station and pick up some chasers and the boys all got cigarettes (btw 5 months CLEAN BITCHES!!) lol.. so we all start to head out and we hear something drop off the boat when Mike veered off the road a bit. Later we find out its my bowl that I have had for years.. literally years. lol. Super pissed (well kinda..shit happens).Sun is shining, boats in the water, drinks in one hand, fishing poles in the other.

We all have a good time, drinking and fishing.. Jumping into the water, falling into the water all for a few hours (besides waking up in the morning, this entire weekend I never actually knew what time it was lol).. So the sun was shining, temperature rising to the high 90’s.. Apparently I got drunk and passed out and now I have incredible sun burns.. oh.. and bruises. Words cant describe them and actually neither can these pictures because my bruises are BAD (falling into the water and boosting myself back up are the only things I can think of as to why I look like I got my ass beat). lol. So Sunday night was nice, we all chilled a bit, drinking more lol.. (don’t remember anything late night though)..

Monday Morning..

..I wait and wait and wait for people to get up. Teddy and I say fuck it and go and try to find my bowl on the side of the street. We pull up and park and as soon as we get out of the car I have 7 mosquitoes on me. 7. Fucking so fucking stupid. What the fuck. I was so annoyed all weekend because of these damn mosquitoes lol.

 

So as you probably could of guessed, we didn’t fucking find it. whatever. Just add it to the reasons this was a stupid shit show.. I don’t know a lot of these details lol so I went and asked this boy (enter smile here), and as what I waited to say happened Monday actually happened Sunday…. so lets back track.. blahblah were back to Sunday..

 

I happen to like this boy. We are nothing official unless Facebook adds a Friends with Benefits or Best Friends who are having sex button or “title”. I am okay with this. I actually PREFER this. YES ladies and gentlemen, I prefer this over being in a relationship. I am not going to get sappy or tell you how I don’t guys (Lol.. its true, but I also just don’t like people in general) <– true as shit and maybe I will post a separate blog as to why I wish I could keep the things I want and get dropped off on an island by myself (and the things I choose ect)..

 

..anyways another disclaimer/reminder? I AM AN EMOTIONAL ASS FUCK!

 

okay well.. that and I am very intuitive.. it’s almost scary sometimes. That being said I went thru his phone. I have never wanted to do it.. EVER. I can’t even explain why I did it. Well I happened to see texts from him and another girl (same girl we bumped into when I was out with him for his friends birthday), going back and forth about how he still loves her and how I am just a friend. Now.. I had NO right to do what I did (let this be known). I KNOWINGLY thru away trust and respect when I did that, but no joke.. Something inside me,  felt like I had to. Seek and you shall find.

 

My heart hit the floor. After all the conversations we had had, HE (out of all people) does this to me..? It was a slap in the face.. more like a spit in the face rather. I left the messages up of where it said he still loved her and set it on the table, plain sight, out in the open, the first thing he will see when he opens up the door and follows me inside. I meet him outside on the verge of a panic attack.. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I was 3 and 1/2 hours away with no reception. I wanted to throw up. I looked at him and calmly (legit calm) told him that I was going into our room and how I didn’t want to be bothered for the entire time. He looked at me, back down (probably because I wasn’t hyperventilating  like I wanted to, or screaming and slapping him in the face).. I swear sometimes I think I am psychotic. He was confused until after I told him I didn’t want anything to do with him, then I think the confusing got worse. I walked away and shut the door to our bathroom and sat on the toilet. I had NO idea what the fuck I was going to do. Had this been done in Illinois I would have NEVER spoken to him again. This is no way short of the truth, I am THAT stubborn. So I sat there, he came in, phone in hand. I don’t remember much of the details but I have never called someone a scumbag as much as I did that day. FUCKKKKKK was I hurt. He tried explaining, and I’ll cut this shit short, I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt. His logic only made sense to him, and as I tried explaining it I think he understands where I’m coming from. You don’t tell an exes best friend that you’re still in love with her and either a. think that wont be repeated or b.make her stop texting you? I don’t know and I don’t care, (To him: you’re only hurting yourself in the end babe..if you love her fight for her. No joke loves hard to find)..

 

 Okay so..that was like the cherry on top.

 

..Now you may be confused on why I was even pissed in the first place because I did this to myself and he really didn’t do anything. I mean I AM just his friend.. but the whole love thing…. again that’s not something you throw around. If it didn’t hurt me it should hurt the other ears listening. I would NEVER tell someone I was still in love with them if I didn’t mean it. THAT shit breaks hearts.. so do you get where I am coming from now? I mean 5 years he spent with this girl.. 2 months later we started “talking”.. shit has been great no bullshit no drama then this shit? And after my mom mentioned something to this extent MINUTES before he came and picked me up? Fucking weirrrrrddddd. Lol. But everything happens for a reason. Not even those weird signs but just the fact that this happened in Wisconsin. Like I wish all of you readers knew me on a personal level just so you know how I view life because I really am trying to be passionate about LIVING that I don’t DEAL with “drama”. That shit doesn’t phase me. You know why? I don’t allow it too. Yes shit pisses me off but nothing I can’t handle. So after that, probably countless apologies later, shit was like that never even happened..back to MONDAY.. shit was fine. I bitched some more about being hungry that they eventually got up and headed out to breakfast. Since we were already in bumble fuck we had to drive probably 15-30min away just to find some food (lol), not to mention it was memorial day… lol.. in Wisconsin wheres there like 2 McDonald’s in the entire state, we pull up to some breakfast place (kinda super excited only because small hole in the walls, unlike strip clubs, are fucking awesome) “rumored to be the best breakfast in town” (uh well no shit Sherlock you’re the ONLY breakfast place in town)… whatever. LOL. Teddy and I walk in while the other boys smoked a cig. Lady took awhile to even notice me, so teddy went and smoked a cig too.. She acknowledged me and then sat me. They all sat down and we looked over the menu which was awesome. lol I wanted EVERYTHING. I ended up like wanted a “Denver Scrambler” (actually spelled scramblee and realized how close the r is to the e and decided to correct it because y’all would just think I misspelled it and now know they did not name a scrambler a scramblee lol). It was Ham Onions Red Peppers and Cheddar Cheese. So when it was my time to order, I wanted that scrambler with Sausage instead of ham. She told me that I cant substitute the scramblers. I don’t know why but I said okay and someone else ordered. As I was scrambling around I wanted a different “scrambler” (wasn’t technically a scrambler but I forgot the name) and figured that I just couldn’t substitute but I could take out. So it had mushrooms and beans, but everything I wanted, I didn’t even want to add anything and she told me I couldn’t even do that…. blood fucking boiling. I had been hungry for the past 3 hours and now this waitress is making me look like a retard. So pretty much if his friends weren’t there I would of walked out. Again, no joke. She pissed me off that much. At first ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS CHANGE HAM TO SAUSAGE. Are you shitting me? Then ALL I WANTED WAS TO TAKE 2 INGREDIENTS OUT!!! Lmfao. God forbid. At that point I didn’t even want to eat I was just so fucking annoyed. Lol. Holy shit balls get me home.We stayed around for a little bit (sleeping, drinking ect), then started playing Frisbee. Time started to pass and it was already 6:30pm.. Teddy was going to stay (so he was getting tipsy) and we decided that we needed to leave soon. We packed up and cleaned the place up a bit, while Kornel was telling Teddy he’ll drive his car (FUCK YEA! Meaning I didn’t have to sit in the back with 2 dogs, sober and sun burnt as hell. NO FUCKING THANK YOU ). We got our shit in the car and headed out. About an hour and 1/2 later we stopped for food and I swear it was the best part of the trip. I need to go to AW again. Hamburger and chili cheese fries (and CHEESE CURDS HOLY FUCK) needs to be in my belly again. After that, another 2 hours later and I was passed out in my bed. Sun burnt but alive.

 

 

Positivity

So the whole not blogging every day has actually made me miss posting *smh..

..sometimes less IS more.

😉

So what’s clouding Marissa’s brain lately?

I am starting to appreciate things more.

Understanding that tomorrow is NOT promised.

So why do we do the things we do? Don’t people get it? Let’s just take money for example.. it can buy anything your little heart desires except one thing…time. You’re gone when its your time.

Plain and simple.

Don’t take advantage of today. We all have the ability to be completely happy.and I truly feel we have no one to blame but ourselves.

“When you blame others, you give up your power to change.”- Robert Anthony.

Start rethinking what you may think are “priorities”, stop fearing the inevitable and live.

Other then my lovely rants.. I am feeling pretty good. Eating has been so easy ever since I put my carbs and fruits back in the mix. I can feel myself growing already and I am s t o k e d.

The Food Log

830am Brownie Quest Bar
11am 1/2 P28 Bagel and Almond Butter
2pm Leftovers of WW pasta and Ground Turkey
5pm 3 small chicken breasts (almonds if still hungry)
830pm (don’t know if I am working out today).. so this would change but protein and fat
Last meal– Casein protein shake (slower digesting protein)

The Work Out

Probably not working out today (but you never know).. But I will list my workout from yesterday.

I trained glutes 😉

Sumo Squats
3x15x35
2x12x45

Back Ext
4x10x45 w/ calf raises

Abs (I have to discuss this at a later date lol)..

Hamstring Curl

Only 3 sets- forget the weight.. but it didn’t feel good lol.

I have been killing it in the gym.. literally walked out earlier this week not being able to walk (I split legs into 2 sessions so I train them twice a week).. I have just been focusing on form and contractions rather then reps (even though I still count most of them).. but I have been feeling really good. Have laid off cardio a bit (wont hold my breathe) so that makes it easier to kill it even more 😉

Will be in Wisconsin tomorrow night till Monday afternoon.. so that means so time in an actual gym..  Meaning hopefully we go for a lot of walks and canoeing and just stay active. I know my diet will be on point ( I actually get excited about traveling and eating healthy).. but I know one day I WILL drink lol and maybe enjoy some extra carbs here and there :):):)

Heading over to a small shop to pick up a few tank tops and a pair of shorts to wear on the boat, then stopping at sunset to pick up meat (and my healthy food to bring on the way up there).. Def hope I score some of those Sugar Free Chocolate Chip Cookies again.. Those were solid and I wouldn’t even need to “cheat” haha if I had those.. We’ll see. I am so E X C I T E D! It’ll be like a mini vaca! I’ll still be emailing and responding though (as much as I can.. up there doesn’t have much service).. but I will do my best.

Until then, practicing patience and positivity. ❤

What are you proud of?

I couldn’t even answer the question.

Literally minutes of silence as I stare out the window searching for something.. ANYTHING to say.
Yet for once in my life, I had nothing.
Nothing to say, but I’m sure the tears that fell down my face said enough.

Subject changed (my ADD probably), as a comforting hand rubbed  my back and thigh. Reassuring me that everything is okay.

But is it?

If what you’re doing is not your passion, you have nothing to lose.

Agenda for Monday:

9-5pm Work
530pm Back Work out with Taylor @ X Sport in A.H
7pm Yoga

Marley’s Agenda for Monday..

Me leaving the house today.. I forgot my lunch box and gym bag in the car.

The Food Log

830am Quest Bar (Vanilla Almond)
1130am Greek Yogurt
2pm Chicken with Mixed Veggies
530pm Chicken with Broccoli
8pm Almond Butter on P28 Bread
11pm Don’t know yet.

The Work Out:

BACK ATTACK!

Focusing on:

Lat Pull down
Pullups
and Rows

LIFTING AS HEAVY AS POSSIBLE WITHOUT LOSING FORM!

PLUS +

60 Min of YOGA.. yep. Yoga.. wtf am I gonna do? Taylor is like a super star and my dog can do a better downward dog then I can.. Not to mention my legs are so fucking sore still that I look like I have a huge load in my pants. HA… this should be fun. OH and this is my past employer lol (I worked here for 4 years).. so that should add to the interesting part.

Goals for the next 4 weeks:

• Have a cheat (or 2) on the weekends ONLY!
• Gym session 6 days a week for 45-60 minutes of weight resistance training.
• Focus on growth not weight loss.

Don’t know how that last bullet will effect me. I really would LOVE to see my abs 24/7 but I also want defined arms and HUGE ass legs (not to mention, keeping my huge ass…ass). Pretty much meaning that I am going to lay off cardio a bit. I think I will do it if I feel like it (which is usually never, but hey!), but I won’t beat myself up over it. I will however, eat clean as shit. I want to see what my body is capable of. I want to stop with the excuses and stop with the dumb ass binges that happen every now and again. I think that since I am allowed back my fruits that it will subside any sugar cravings I may have. I honestly feel like that part of my life is gone. Yes I have consumed A LOT of food in the last week that wasn’t in any way shape or form good for me but I enjoyed it. I enjoyed every last bite. Yes I felt like shit afterwards and about 3 days after but I enjoyed it because I LET MYSELF! I need to learn to love myself regardless of a bloated belly or a significant muffin top. My weight doesn’t define me and as much as I am obsessed with fitness and health, I will never stray down the broken road of disordered eating again. I will never throw up or starve myself EVER again. EVER. Yes people call me obsessed and a fitness freak blahblahblah.. but they don’t know the battle I fought to get where I am. This is MY body, MY life and I will not stop the journey I am on, till I can HONESTLY say that I love myself with everything I have. Now please don’t take this like I want to be perfect, or I am striving for any of that sort, because that wouldn’t be fair. I want to accept myself as I better myself. I am doing this for me.

Post Competition: First Day Back!

Oh wow.

Probably should of rethought my first workout and possibly of done something else rather then legs lol. I have been stoked to get back in the gym and sometimes doing legs actually frustrates me. I don’t know what it is but whenever I go super heavy (which is all the time btw) I psych myself out. I really do need to find a spotter or someone to work out with that likes to go HAM! because I am kinda over the whole training people while I work out…. I want a KICK ASS workout 365! Hmmmmm I may possibly look into getting a personal trainer for myself, maybe once a week, just to rev things up.. kick my ass.. ext ext…. It gets expensive but having someone there and pushing you I feel is usually 75% better then being alone. That, and you get some extra knowledge! Personal training is something that requires a lot of information to be studied and I think it possibly will always be continuous. Meaning, since everyones body is different and we experience a lot of daily habits and we are now prone to numerous different types of dieases, that we will always need to continue our education in this field to stay up to par. Personal training isn’t just looking good and copying and pasting each work out for each individual client…. It is more then that (and quite frankly if your trainer doesn’t tailor your work outs, dump em.. no joke).

Ok I have no idea why I just rambled on about that.. which I think was actually about nothing. Cool.

Anywho.

The Food Log:

9am Green Smoothie that tasted like complete dick. I threw in a piece of pineapple and 1/4 of a banana (banana masks ANY taste), and a scoop of strawberry banana whey (didn’t have vanilla), and it still tasted like ass. I think I put too much “green superfood” in……….. but it was disgusting.

12pm 6oz Steak w/ 2oz Whole Wheat pasta with a slice of watermelon and 2/3 grapefruit 🙂

3pm Greek Yogurt

730pm Chicken and Veggies

9-2am– 4 cheese stix and 4 drinks. lol. fuck.

The Work Out:

Hack Squat 3x 90lbs
2x 110lbs

Calf Raises supersetted with Wall Sits

3x 50lbs w/ 30 sec wall sit

Front Squat

3x 10x 50

Planks- Completely half assed them.

Leg Ext

1 x 10 x 80lbs
1 x 10 x 95lbs
2 x 8-10 x 110lbs

Yeah I could NOT walk…. I can only imagine what I looked like.. lol. Today I am just hanging around. Life is started to get back to normal and I am super excited for my adventures in the gym in the next couple of months. I have a feeling I will be in the best shape of my life 🙂 Will start carb cycling after my birthday and actually pretty excited about that too haha! Everything else is kind of whatever. I am trying to get organized and all that shit, however my sister came home from college for a month and completely destroyed my room. I don’t have a place to put my shoes in my closet and for some reason finding a lot of clothes I never wore in the hamper… hmm.. Other then that, just taking life one day at a time. I put on some weight which I am learning to accept each day, but I know in the back of my head that in about a month I will be right back to where I was, and on a better road to being ripped. I will get there. Mark my word.

On to progress pics.. Should I do an entire blog, soley on the pictures or….. hmmmm.. lets see how much room it takes.. I’ll begin to upload the pics… lol… gotta love my procrastinating ass!

Okay I just posted all my progress pictures. You wanna see what I ate for this entire week????? Watch this shit..

Chocolate Dipped Cookie Dough

Buffalo Wild Wings

Driving to meet up for ice-cream.

Patiently waiting…….

COLDSTONE!!!!!!

Oreo filling flavored icecream, with oreos and PB cups ❤

Craving subway? Had 3 cookies too btw.. eat fresh bitches!

Shots @ Tommy’s for a going away party..

Taco Burrito King!!!!

Me all gay like.

Red Mango- Frozen Yogurt with oreo, brownie, and strawberries!

ONE MORE WOD! Check em out! Thanks for the shizzzz ❤

…coldstone……again.. lol same thing but with 2 oreos, a pb cup and a brownie lol.

&& this is what I look like because of this week long food-cation:

Sorry it was a screenshot via Instagram

 

So. As you can see I put on a little big of weight. For the next 4 weeks I will be having one or two cheat meals a week and continue to lift as heavy as I can. It will take me a solid 3 weeks to get back to how I was and I am perfectly ok with that! I have had SO much fun this last week, that the extra weight really doesn’t bother me. However I do continusouly feel like shit when I eat shit (coincidence? I think not). I am so ready for this.

oh btw..

maristheshit @ instagram 😉

The ever so anticipated progress pictures:

No explanations, no validations no more disclaimers (besides this one, that is)..

After AM show this is what I ate….

and then this is what I looked like (bloated) after breakfast..

…..btw have NO idea why my pictures are turning sideways and upside down lol. I apologize.

My Burden is Easing.

She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she’ll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she’s running from wants to give up and lie down.
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground

This is my brand new day starting now
I let go the things that weigh me down
And rob me of the beauty that’s to be found
And life all around
And this is my prayer without ceasing, the negative releasing
And as I rise above, my burden is easing

I am almost ready to get back in the gym again. I am stocking up on all my lovely products (Quest Bar, Myofusion, and Dymatize Protein Powders..Still have to get Nuts n’ more and PB2). It is super nice not worrying about morning cardio or your meals every 2 or 3 hours on the hour.. (yes I will continue to eating hourly but these last few days Ive just focused on when I am hungry.. which hasn’t been often because I feel like I am permanently bloated from the last few days of cheats haha)..

1. Progress Pictures WILL be up shortly.. I just wanted to find a cool way of doing it but that was a fail and now I am just using an excuse to validate my procrastination.

2. Recipes/ Workouts/ Food Log will be posted like prior format Monday (21st).

3. I want my pinterest account shown on my homepage.. possible?

How do I feel? I feel fat. I have eaten whatever I wanted for the last 3 and 1/2 days and I just feel it weighing me down. I have taken this week and actually have been really enjoying myself. I have 3 months till my birthday and I want to look PROUD. Yes, proud. It took 3 months for me to get where I am now and I just know that the next 3 months in the gym are going to be SICK.. haha.. I don’t think you understand how excited I am for life to be in the happy lane.. .lol. I am a dork (I actually hate this word.. and I seem to get called it a lot….. not to mention a dork is a whale’s penis but its like so.. innocent.. not innocent but geeky? lol).. whatever.. but in all honestly I am ready to live life happy is all I meant by that weird ass sentence..

But yes this week I have been super relaxed and completely stress free. Yes I still obsess about the fact that I now “jiggle” lmfao.. but I am embracing it. Everyone knows what I’ve been through and have been SUPER cool about everything and by everything I mean about me binging.. IN PUBLIC!! hahahahaha no joke. This is super unhealthy by the way, but I was literally forcing food in me. Not even just unhealthy but rather disgusting lol. But its been fun (and super uncomfortable). I have been to some really cool places and have had a smile on my face since this past weekend. It’s lovely 🙂

BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT all this food and every last minute of the sugar high and prego bloat is NOT worth looking in the mirror and LOVING what you see when you stand there naked. No joke. It may or may not mean a lot to you guys, and that’s most likely because you have never actually been completely satisfied, but it changes things. (Not to forget that busting ass in the gym is rewarding yes, but most of the time it SUCKS and it’s PAINFUL and it takes what seems like a really fucking LONG TIME to show sings of progress!!!) The confidence and security you gain is magical. I have been fighting for YEARS, and I can’t say I won or found some cure but I found happiness. There are still so many aspects of my life I want to change but loving myself was first.

&& Thank you everyone for the sweet sweettttt comments.  I get super cheesy and emotional ALL the time, but I’ll say it again.. I appreciate everyone who takes their time to read what I blatantly don’t proofread or filter out and still find a positive message within.. and comment with a compliment. I smile so much when I see my email filled with people who found some sort of peace when reading my rants. I really do want to extend my hand and offer anyone help in anyway that I possibly can.. please feel free to email me at anytime:

eyesquat@gmail.com

We’ll all get there one day. Faith my friends.

Post Comp/ Weekend Recap

Well that sucked.

Lmfao. I don’t even know where to begin. I wrote a Thursday post but never posted it for some reason. I’ll start from there I suppose. So I had to wake up extra early to finish cardio before I had to pick up my bosses kids for school (yeah…. I know).. But regardless the day went as planned. After work I headed over to the nail place, got acrylics and my toe nails painted. This took about an hour, at which point I went directly to Taylor’s salon. We ended up doing an all over, an eggplant color. This took about 2 hours at which point, was already 930 at night, but still made it to the gym to do some cardio and sit in the sauna. After I finished with her I went right to the hotel and tried to unwind.

Friday morning wasn’t as hectic as I thought. I got up thinking that they had a fitness center in the hotel but they didn’t. No big deal I just went to X Sport down the street, finished cardio and on the way home stopped at Sunset foods (which is like a Whole Foods), and got a turkey and some sugar free cookies for after the show. I was running a little behind only because I called Taylor’s salon and she wasn’t there yet so I waited for her text to tell me to come by. We started my tanning process a little before noon. I was there till 3 fucking o’clock. This Jan Tana BULLSHIT was just that, bullshit. Turned me black and did NOT look good sprayed on. So after I left her salon looking like a fucking moron, I went back to the hotel. I wasn’t that upset because I still had time to get sprayed (she had another solution she wanted me to try), but I fell asleep for a couple hours. I woke up at about 630pm and Mike came over. We picked up Marley and headed over to Bridgeview, Il to check in at the gym over there. I was running so fucking late. Why I took a nap before check in is beyond me, but I literally made it with 5 minutes to spare. 5 minutes. 7:55pm no joke. After all this I went back to the hotel and we just chilled. Marley was being the biggest pain in the ass and I had no idea why but Mike left for a bit and I fell back asleep.

Taylor came over at midnight (after I kept falling asleep), and we started spraying another coat of this tan called Fake Bake (which she originally wanted to use prior to using the jan tana color) but I was hesitant because its not a competition spray.. I understand it may get someone dark but on stage is awhole nother story. You should be BLACK … lol.. she finished at about 2am. She left, mike came back and I laid upright in bed for 2 hours.  Got up at 5am, took a shower to wash off the excess solution, but the entire tan came off. So at 530 am on the morning of my comp, I was about as pale as they come. Awesome.

Well, Taylor came back at 530am, and wanted to just spray just this bronzer on me but I remembered we had another bottle of a different solution made by jan tana, so.. I got naked, stood in front of the mirror and we both started applying this solution. Well.. it looked better. I guess.. if better just means I looked….. uh different? lol.. I was streaky as fuck and just getting pissed. I needed to be out the door at 7am because I had a mandatory meeting at 830am in CHICAGO (which not to mention is FUCKING BULLSHIT! that and the whole checking in at USA gym.. just is so stupid and you would think they know that this whole thing is stressful enough).. whatever.. anywho…. so as I’m getting pissed.. hair is still curly as all hell.. and still had to finish my hair and put my make up on as my tan tried to dry. Ohhhhhhhh the time just flew by. Taylor was patient as shit with me (God bless her) and we finally got all our shit together and I was on the road at 730am.. traffic was a little bad at times because of some summit shit but I got to there within 45 minutes. Not like I really could of gave a shit.. but whatever.

So I got to the theater, found a semi decent parking spot and just sat there. It was raining… I had no umbrella or anything to cover my hair body or face with… so I just sat there for another 2 minutes ready to just book it. People were piling in, and vendors were setting up.. I waited for Taylor and we got some final touches done.. Bloated, streaky, hair frizzy, and bikini too small… I felt like shit.. especially seeing these beautiful ladies.. beautiful TANNED ladies… lmao.. ughhhhhhhhh…

Alright well it was what it was.. I really didn’t have time to take any pictures (it was so packed in the pump up room), and it was STICKY in there. This is a huge problem. My hair.. yeah.. unless you know me personally you’ll never understand. my hair is fucking crazy. I could feel it getting worse. I couldn’t stop touching it. I didn’t know what to do.. not to mention NO PONYTAIL HOLDER???? Really???????????????? Since when don’t I have a scrunchie? fuck me. Yup and then they called bikini tall. Lined up. Last one in line. Couldn’t stop grabbing my ass, complete wedgie. Why? forgot bikini bite. After hours of “preparation”… yes I borrowed some but I should of done it WAY earlier.. Oh so picture me.. fidgeting with my hair, my ass, and walking like I have something in my ass. OIL SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED IN THE PUMP UP ROOM.. Guys don’t care because they are bare foot, so they just drip that shit errrrrrywhere. Yes I just  want to bitch.. Well yeah so that was me. Even on stage. Most embarrassing 5 minutes of my life. Why? I KNEW I wasn’t ready and I was just doing this because I felt obligated. Yes I worked hard but I took this like it was just something I signed up for. I wasn’t ready. I knew it. I am upset with suitsyouswimwear, my bikini was not custom made.. I was holding water like it was nobodies business… My hands are still black from the original Jan Tana tan (my elbows? Oh yeah.. I look like a giraffe or a cow.. whatever.. oh yeah.. actually… a cow fits me PERFECTLY!) Seriously though, I apologize. I’m not fat per say, but I sure did feel it. I took pictures after I got home from breakfast that are currently uploading..

Okay back on track.. so yeah blahblahblah got my happy ass off stage real fast, gathered my shit up and went to breakfast. Please see below:

How AMAZING! Only finished half of each(okay more then half of my waffle… but that’s because we were there for awhile and I knew I wasn’t going to take home a waffle.. so I couldn’t help myself!) lol my stomach was hurting.. So after breakfast I went back to the hotel to actually check in for another night.. I had called and asked for a late check out (which was $10 per extra hour) but since the room was less then $60 it was just better to not have to worry about packing up and going home since my sister just arrived back from Minnesota… so I went back up to my room and chilled out for a bit, while I did my own photo shoot.. please don’t be offended, you should know by now but I take provocative pictures.. Please see below as well:

haha yeah.. so that was me bloated.. okay even MORE bloated after that wonderful waffle creation.  Lmfao.. also stopped at a “chocolate factory” haha.. it was a tiny chocolate store I saw on the way to breakfast.. Got cookie dough dipped in chocolate.. then finished my night with Buffalo Wild Wings.. my FAVE restaurant lol and ate part of my life away there too… Ordered whatever I wanted without a care in the world. Felt awesome. I don’t remember what time I feel asleep but I woke up Sunday, at 930am feeling fully charged.

I finished packing up my shit and checked out of the hotel at 1130am and headed home. Found my sister, or rather my sisters clothes EVERYWHERE.. sucks I don’t have my own room when she comes home because she steals shit. And thinks shes entitled to whatever she wants to do.. meaning all my shit is moved and whatever lose odds and ends I may have had lying around are misplaced or taken for ransom or until I find it in her purse a week later. I took a nap for a few hours, got up, got in a fight with my sister, and about an hour later I left to go meet up with mike so we could go to coldstone. yep. coldstone.. lol

Even though it sucked because I didn’t add in enough shit lol. So it was basically ice cream.. but it was still better then chicken and broccoli. Thatsferdamnsure.

Blahblahblah and now its Monday. Clean relaxed eating now.

Literally feel awesome. I don’t have to worry about anything anymore, except lifting big and eating big! I WANT TO GROW! I have SO much potential and it sucks I did something to “track” my progress KNOWING I wasn’t ready but I will continue to go strong. I am so excited to finally be allowed almost twice as many carbs as the last month, and using that energy to kick ass in the gym.. This show was a stepping stone for bigger and better things.. I am STOKED.. seriously fucking ecstatic. Game on.

Day 93- 3 days left..

Wednesday, May 9th…

Woke up fat. No joke.

NO idea where my abs went. Possibly the more carbs I had yesterday due to a leg workout? UGH.

so guess what I did, I googled that shit.

Found the same shit I already knew, drink more water, sweat ext ext.. Did see something about preparation- H.. so I got it. Lmao. I am so bad. Do not follow what I do just yet.. the point of the cream is to apply it prior or cardio so it secretes the fluid out of that area…… *CROSSES FINGERS* *PRAYS* *BLOWS OUT A CANDLE* pleassssssssseeeeeeeeeee work..

I’ve had enough. 3 days. I can do this.

All I want is to finish this contest prep.. EAT like crap for 24 hours, then get back to my normal lifestyle. I want to eat fruit without guilt. I want to EAT TO GROW AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!!! I know I’ll lose my abs for a few days but I don’t care. You should see me at the gym late at night.. I am practically SLEEPING!!! I am trying so hard, then I beat myself up over the fact that it was possibly a shitty fucking workout. I need balance in my life. Balance and forgiveness, especially for oneself.

Alright so yesterday after my never ending work day I headed over to Taylor’s Salon after I walked Marley and ate really quick.. (@La Flavia Salon in IL).. I waited around for a bit, for her to finish with her last client then I was next! She ended up cutting about 4 inches off.. dry cut and everything. It. Looks. Awesome. Anyways after we were chit chatting.. she thought she was going to dye it as well.. well obviously a miscommunication.. haha.. so I am going back tomorrow (Thursday) for her to dye it and style it (just so I know what it looks like and if I want it up or down).. so yes.. any who.. after the haircut we went back to her house and she got ready and we hit the gym.

It was leg day.. the last leg day of this contest prep.  yep. and let me tell you I, my “rest” breaks were me shutting my eyes and trying to sleep. It was awful. The only bright side of this story is I lifted my heaviest.. weird? haha.. no joke.

Blah blah blah got home at 1130pm and passed the fuck out.

I did book the hotel, so that’s another thing off my list of things to do. Now its just a waiting game really lol. Playing around with my poses and how my “abs” look in certain poses.. I am def ready to get all pampered though. Taylor is going to do an amazing job I already know.. now if my body was up to par…..

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Don’t worry.. I’ll be confident up there because you really don’t have any other choice lmfao.. but deep down I could of done better. I just have to remind myself that I didn’t do this with the intention of trying to out beat every girl.. this was a personal goal.  Really just a set date that I needed to lose that god awful weight in and I think I at least accomplished that. Again.. just WAIT for the before and after pics.. I at least lost 25 SOLID POUNDS OF FAT. Ugh I was disgusting.

Alright that was my little update for you and again I apologize for the lack material in my blogs.. I PROMISEEEEE as soon as I get SOME energy I will put A LOT of effort into making this blog something special. I LOVE receiving the comments/feed back from you guys. It ALWAYS puts me in a better mood/ a smile on my face. So I thank you.

now, to leave you with a photo that have made my jaw drop today..

..talk about  motivation.

Now go work out! 😉