The process is slow when you want to grow.

..Remember that.. how you can “bulk” and “cut” simultaneously.. is beyond me. Bulking is consuming more calories, where as cutting is the exact opposite. It is very hard and near impossible to put on mass all the while cutting carbs and maxing out on cardio. You have to train smart.

I took way too many different people’s advice when I was becoming a personal trainer turned  “bodybuilder” (really just a fitness freak).. and it was always so condescending. The best advice I could give is grab the basics, and go from there. Tailor it to YOUR needs, not someone else’s cookie cutter bullshit talk. You have to train and eat how your body requires, and what fitness goals you have. I spent so much unnecessary time on the stair master and drooling over food that I thought was “off-limits”, its mind-boggling. I suppose its different coming from someone whose past entails numerous eating disorders and a horrible self body image, but I now know whats right and wrong.This isn’t rocket science.. Kick the bad habits and gain new ones.. You don’t have to starve and you don’t have to live on the treadmill. Listen, you’re going to have to give up some shit.. and some times you’ll hate life because you know you shouldn’t but you just might indulge… so don’t beat yourself up.. everyone needs to start somewhere and cutting cold turkey every bad habit is not likely..

(As I continue to write this, it just so happens that this post is directly related to my giveaway that will be announced shortly…all about having fitness goals working towards them but in a fun and motivating way! Super excited to announce this coming up this weekend 🙂

I personally, want to gain size on my legs and shoulders, and I have to understand that I need to EAT correctly  (and lift), towards my goals even if that means my abs wont be as defined (at this time), or I may be or feel bloated. I may carry a few lbs of water.. It’s all okay. When it’s time and the “cutting” phase starts, that is when I will up cardio when necessary and play around with my carbohydrate fat intake and overall calorie consumption but I will never track it. Yes I know I may never know EXACTLY what and how much I’m consuming.. but this fits me just fine. I don’t care about consuming too many calories as long as their the GOOD ones!!! I don’t care if I eat an extra cup of grapes.. or had one too many sweet potato fries… I can’t think like this anymore.. this obsessive mentality is not healthy for anyone.

All I do know is if I “overeat” I may have to work a little harder on my workouts or do an extra 5 minutes of spin class.. Balance people.

No one will be perfect and you will have fuck ups but its all about how you deal with them. I have chosen to keep eating when I know I shouldn’t have, I have skipped a few workouts here and there.. but this is my life.. and welcome too it.I dont want to beat myself up anymore, I want to look and feel my best and go from there.. I realized how happy I am when I feel that I look good, when my abs show and my quads are defined. I don’t know if its vain or egotistical but I cannot be one of those people who are fine with being overweight. It makes me cringe.. it makes me feel so sorry for them because yes many “don’t care”, there are so many that do and its painful. Losing weight isnt quickly changed with  a few bicep curls and a salad or two.. This takes time. There’s no magic pill besides the magic of a positive attitude so plan to be patient.

I work out 6 days a week. I break my body parts up into Arms (bi’s and tri’s), Shoulders, Back, Quads, and Hams. I do all kinds of rep schemes and always add plyometrics into the mix (jump squats ext).. I lift as heavy as I can with no spot so I be sure to keep my form correct. The least amount of cardio I do a day is 30min. I switch it up between the stair master, a steepest incline on the treadmill and my new-found love in the spin bike.  I always eat breakfast. I eat, for the most part, every 2-3 hours. I eat protein at every meal. I try to keep my fruits in the AM hours only but if I want some later I eat some later. The only carbohydrates I eat are sweet potatoes, brown rice, oatmeal, whole wheat pastas and breads (Ezekiel breads and pastas). I try to drink as much water as possible. I have a cheat meal once or twice a week. Calories in vs calories out.. if I want to work harder and do a two a day, I’ll go out to eat and enjoy whatever I feel like (just remember when you go from eating clean to eating “dirty” you may experience some stomach trouble). I don’t reward myself with food per say but I can enjoy a good burger and fries here and there.

I don’t hate this lifestyle. I don’t mind preparing my own meals or waking up early for cardio. It gets difficult at times, just like any other life would, but this one gives me value. I have learned so many lessons along the way, its hard to always see how far I’ve come..  This lifestyle proves to myself that I do have determination, that I can succeed though all my negative bullshit, (and trust me, there is A LOT of negative bullshit out there.. I work as the only female in a body shop. Imagination people. I can do and WILL do what I plan to do.

There are so many ways to diet and get thin and lose weight, but don’t keep playing these games. You’re fighting an upward battle.. (BALANCE!!!). Put down the food if you’re not hungry. Switch to whole wheat pastas and breads and suck it up. Drink diet instead of regular. Make small changes that will have a huge impact later on…But more importantly promise yourself this is for you. Don’t do this for anyone else, do what makes you happy. Find ways to push harder the next time, not excuses to quit. Eat to live, don’t live to eat. Live by this motto and be positively patient.

It will come.

I can.

 

Training Shoulders tonight. Didn’t get a work out in the morning because we had gotten to bed late. Hit and Run was such  a dumb movie. Not happy 😦 and I now want to be spoiled and never go to a regular movie theater.. now that I know theres one with recliner chairs and a waiter 😉 haha..

I don’t really like posting workouts prior to it being done because I can never follow one plan.. It all happens so randomly.. I go harder than expected or cant finish 12 reps correctly. I don’t want to discourage myself in any way.. I want to do as much as I can. Seriously.. I’m talking, the wrong song playing can throw me off my game..

The main shoulder exercises I do are
Shoulder press (sitting, squat to s. press).
Lateral Raises, Front Raise
Upright Row
and Burpees with a Bosu Ball.

and since the boy is going out of town for the holiday weekend, I want to stay focused. I think I may cheat a tad, but keep consistent in the gym. Even though my gym closes a little early tonight I think I can still get in 45 solid minutes of cardio post lift.

..than finish it off with a casein cake.. fuck yes. No joke…….. so solid.

 

Getting stronger.. (in more ways than 1).

Got some bad news yesterday but thankfully it didn’t ruin my mood (I’m getting good at this bad news shit.. see.. making progress).. Went about my day as I usually do… had a great lunch.. then was planning on working out right after work (habit), but the man brought up getting Red Mango after work. Weird. I have legit been wanting ice cream (Cold stone really, McDonald’s would do too haha but I’ll take R. Mango all day for a “cheat”), for a while now. Him and I usually stop somewhere for ice cream and I have just been craving it. We have been going thru our little thing so I never mentioned it. Ironically he did 🙂 We stopped for a bite, it was nice to just look at him. I have been missing him like crazy ever since this shit went down. Granted I am lucky enough to see him everyday but its not the same. I want hugs and kisses, even a quick smell of his shirt/neck area (I’m a freak) would suffice.

Lunch 🙂 Whole wheat pasta, chicken and some brown rice mix.

Strawberries C. Chips and some Graham Crackers 🙂

We spent some time talking, then headed back to the shop where my car was. He needed to go help a friend, I needed to get my second work out in. Like every other time, we couldn’t just up and leave each other. We spent another hour talking, kissing, holding each other. This is what I want. No bullshit, No drama, just him. I am in love and I don’t see why or how we have so many people rooting against us and trying to ruin what we have. I have always been one to shrug off other peoples remarks, but its CONSUMING us. All I know is y’all can keep trying but I will try even harder. He is the man of my dreams.

Sorry, I hate to keep gushing but I am proud of him and I love to show his gorgeous face off.

ugh… sorry again. lmao.

So we finally get into both of our cars,  all the while I am thinking I am not going to do my second cardio session. I came up with excuses like my gym was closing in the next few hours (I don’t live close), or that I had a Crossfit class the morning before so I needed rest. Oh man I swear if I don’t want to do something I find every reason not too.. but as I was leaving and thinking to myself.. I decided just to do it. He goes out and does side jobs while I what? Sleep? Nah.. fuck that.. if he can run on empty so can I.

Insert how awesome I think he is and how much of a motivation he is to me.

Got home roughly around 9:15, and headed straight to the gym. I did a solid 30 minute cycle, DRIPPING sweat. My legs have been taking quite a beating lately.. here was me, after the work out.. definitely getting more shapely. Fuck. Yes.

Got home and made my casein cake with Nut’s N More PB (again.. fucking amazing and ever so simple)

1 scoop casein (I used Dymatize Cookies and Cream)
3 egg whites

I blended these together and microwaved for 55 seconds.

I then added the chocolate pb and microwaved for another 25 seconds. I take it out and mix everything together and then max the fuck out.

My mom was around the corner and came into the kitchen and strangely asked what I was eating after she saw what was in my bowl.. I took a bite and made sure it was fabulous and told her she needed to try it. She said no but I make people do shit. lol. kidding.. but come on its my mom! She ate it.. and came back for seconds. No joke, haven’t tried any other flavor casein, but this together was awesome. Went upstairs after cleaning up a bit and passed out around midnight. Boy was still hard at work.. God Bless him..

Woke up around 3.. 4 and maybe 5 but didn’t get out of bed till 6.. Met up with a little lady for our first Crossfit session. It wasn’t bad at all, but it was the introductory session so its always a little easy. Not to forget I have been a personal trainer for a while so I know most of what he was saying, but none the less enjoyed it all. I really feel my shit getting back together. Working out is hard especially when you lack what gets you going, motivation. But as I have been saying before to a couple people, once you get started you’ll keep going. When the results start showing and you start feeling proud and accomplished you’ll wonder why you never started before.

I do want it to be known that miracles don’t happen over night. It took longer then 2 weeks to put on, it’ll take longer then 2 weeks to take it off. Don’t give up, and if you do remember every squat lunge and mile you can and just know you’ll be undoing it all. It gets me every time, especially when I am mid workout and I am in pain.. I remember that shit.

Any who.. did a little sprint action when I got done Crossfit.. wanted to burn some more calories I suppose.. Going about my day as usual but anticipating later tonight.. getting a little work out in then have a little movie date with the pretty boy…

Straight Cheesin’

A big pile of Casein.

Happy Hump Day Everyone!

Pretty excited about things lately.. My break up hasn’t been as bad as I expected it to be.. its been more of a blessing rather. Him and I are speaking (I mean come on.. we work together and just plain get along), and are in fact working together to figure things out. It has opened my eyes in many ways. I have learned that pushing people away does more harm than good, and I would rather cherish the time we have together then look for ways to part. It has also taught me that I am my own person. With or without a man in my life, I am still a strong individual with a heart of gold…

and that heart of gold will not tarnish any time soon.

Last night I went to work out rather than spend time at work with the boys grilling and just hanging out. This was for many reasons, but really I needed to get back in the gym. I have been pretty dedicated for the last few days and starting to really enjoy my time in the gym like I once have before. After a semi decent arm workout and a really good cardio session, I updated my email to find a lady by the name of Sue interested in a giveaway on my blog. I emailed back regarding the “terms” and she promptly emailed back. I am not going to go any further into detail but it’s actually pretty cool. I want to offer this giveaway not only to my blog followers but to my twitter and instagram followers as well. So in the next few days, or possibly next week I should have everything up and rolling 🙂

After my session last night, I stopped at jewel for a few things. I have been wanting to make quick and easy meals that could be pre or post work out.. so last night I came up with chicken fried rice. I had the chicken, eggs, and amino soy sauce, so I just picked up some bean sprouts, baby corn and some brown rice (which I didn’t realize was wild rice till I got home.. lol.. nbd).

Made up a couple servings and put away for tomorrows meals, while I tried to do some casein cake thing.. It looks like crap but let me tell you.. it was amazing. I put a scoop of Nuts N More’s chocolate PB in the middle and mixed it all up.. and omg. I HATE the taste of this Dymatize Protein Powder but I was super happy with how this came out. It was like a sticky pancake filled with goodness. It consisted of a scoop of casein, 3 egg whites stirred it together and microwaved for 55 seconds. Added the Nuts N More and microwaved again for about 25 seconds. Here.. here is the goodness:

So, as you can see.. it doesn’t look good, BUT IT FUCKING WAS! hahaha.. and made me love consuming casein again!!

What is Casein protein?

Casein is a slow digesting and rich protein source that continues to feed your muscles long after whey proteins have dropped off. Studies have shown Micellar Casein protein to sustain steady amino acid elevations for an incredible 7 hours. It was shown to offer a strong anti-catabolic effect not noticed with fast digesting whey protein, and actually fostered a much more positive overall net protein balance in comparison.

 

Once and for all..

I am going thru a SHIT ton of emotions, but I promise you I am working harder and harder at improving my well being each and every day. Working out has become my escape like it once was. I am doing this for myself, for once and for all.

A broken heart feels like the loss of a loved one.

So I think I should start off by saying how my “ex” is actually a genuinely sweet and caring guy. He would give the shirt on his back for just about anyone no questions asked. I can’t defend what he did because I do think it was wrong, but the last thing I want to do is take away how great of a human being he really is. With that being said I think its time to go a little more into detail about our relationship since its already out in the open..

I work at a high end body shop with him, where he is underpaid and taken advantage of. I have never seen such a hard worker EVER in my life. The amount of work ethic this man has in his body is incredible, and it hurts my heart to see him try so hard yet never get the recognition he deserves. This could put a lot of stress onto someone considering he loves what he does. Not to mention having to see me everyday.

Insert how we fell in love 🙂

I wasn’t looking for anything. I actually worked there for about 8 months prior to him starting so I had already been accustomed to how this shop works. He became the new guy, but again didn’t think anything of it. I still don’t even remember ever thinking he was cute or wanting to talk to him or any of that. I just went about my day 9-5 like every other day. Apparently he had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship two months prior, which I could of cared less about at the time. We eventually started being friendly, as in me saying “you better be nice to me or I’ll make your life a living hell”.. oh.. (sarcastically said with a smirk but isn’t that just sweet). 🙂 However, we started hanging out. Nothing sexually nothing out of the ordinary. Just two people hanging out.

Months later it turned into deep feelings for each other. Deep feelings. Feelings I haven’t felt in forever, and if I did once feel them they were nothing like the ones I was feeling with him. I felt free happy and alive. It was incredible.

We both have made mistakes. We both are far from perfect, but baby I truly believe we are perfect for each other. You get me, I get you. You make me smile, I make you blush :). The happiness you bring into my life is far beyond anything I could ever imagine. I understand the pain you are going thru and I understand the stress that is fulfilling your life, but please don’t push me away. I am here for you. I would give up the world for you to feel like you are okay.

I sit here and write, tears filling my eyes like they are accustomed too and it brings back the pain in my heart. You don’t forget love, you don’t give up on love. You keep going, you keep trying. I know I have said that I was done and that we needed to be over but what we are going through is NOTHING.. it’s all wasted effort. You fucked up.. I want to give you another chance.. I want to give US another chance. I truly believe in us, and I will continue to prove that each and every day.

..Remember yesterday how I told you this break up was actually pretty easy considering how I felt about you? That ride home I cried. It wouldn’t stop. I was crying because I have to pretend that I’m not madly in love with you. I got home did my business and my mom asked me about you. I told her the jest of it but nothing into detail, till she asked again… so I read her what you wrote to me. That long paragraph took me 3 attempts to read it. I felt like I was experiencing a death of someone and I was reading old text messages. It hurt that bad.

I want you to know at the end of this, I won’t give up on you unless giving up is the only option. You have a lot to figure out, but I didn’t think whether or not you were in love was one of them. I want you in my life. Your eyes and smile could light up anyone’s life, and when 11:11 strikes I’ll be wishing its my life you’re lighting up.

Do what you have to do, I can’t say anything more. I shouldn’t have too. I shouldn’t have to remind you how we were together or how great we are. I just want you to know that I am here for you and will be as long as it doesn’t pain me to do so. I love you Mike.

It’s okay..

 

And you wonder why I attempt to leave before I am left..

Shits SO much easier, even knowing that were done for good. Someone that I truly loved broke up with me and I am okay. Not in break down mood not even crying. Perfectly fine.

I think the reason is because after he went behind my back the last time I lost complete trust. Instead of giving up I wanted to try with him. Ever since that happened my insecure self was even more insecure. In the back of my head I was constantly thinking of his 5 year relationship with his ex. I always knew he wasn’t over her from the geico but he told me over and over that he was.

I had no choice but to believe you.

Once the I miss yous where found however, trust was lost real quick. I tried to not give a shit but I care about my heart… Because when it hurts, it hurts bad..

Long story short, after I attempted to Break Up with him maybe a week
Ago.. Everything went wrong.. Knew something wasn’t right and needed to end it. Someone who loves another person tries to solve the problem (should be solved before its even a problem) but deep down I knew he was guilty of something when he finally got ahold of me. It’s like he knew something he was doing was wrong and when I came on strong but didn’t explain why, he shut his mouth.
No use in bringing something up if I didn’t already know About.. This is what we call selfish ladies and gentleman.

Fast forward to two nights ago…

Ever since the attempt to break up and slowing “pretending” nothing happened at work the next day, I really just wanted to show that I truly wanted to be with him and that I would wisen up a bit. At that point I KNEW I wanted to put my faith and trust in him again, that I was going to wipe the slate clean and give him the happiness we had when we first got together..

However that was ended short. We went out that night.. Everything seemed pretty cool.. I knew he was “off” a bit but I couldn’t think anything more into it.. I knew what had just transpired the nights before and I couldn’t add any more pressure onto the situation. I KNEW that..

Well the night ended and he stayed over we had sex till sometime in the morning then he fucked me before he left. Hours later I get a Fb message from His ex Gf saying Karmas a bitch and he wants nothing to do with me.. Blahblahblah enter in some Stuff about being a whore and yadda ya.. Well I immediately texted him asking if he wants my trust to just answer this question truthfully. Asked him, If he and Lisa were speaking again. He admitted it, and just then I knew it had to be over
For good.

I don’t need this. I have my flaws and was slowly getting better but what just happened, NO one deserves. Especially someone you say that you’re in love with.. Or used the night before..

The worst part about this is that I am being accused of something I know
Nothing about. Everything I was involved with I told him.. But no way was I going to try to defend myself especially via text. Its not worth it.

It will never be okay again. You betrayed me yet AGAIN. You went back and started talking to your ex again for god only knows why (if you wanted to be with her.. Should of been been with her.. Not me.. Makes sense much?) , finding out I said ONE thing, her coming back and accusing me of some BS and have the nerve to come up with a far fetched rumor about how I made a fake Fb to send her pictures..  (just for the record.. If I wanted to do something relevant I would of just stole her number out of your recent messages list and sent her pictures myself. Btw I’d LOVEEE to see these pictures I’ve been sending via a fake Fb..Mike you should KNOW me better than this)..

…I don’t know what hurts more whether it’s being attacked about something I am not  involved in or my bf going behind my back, for the 3rd time, to his ex again and taking her side?

It just all hurts.

I just find it really classless that after all we’ve been through and even how I was there for you when she broke your heart, that you have the nerve to break my heart the exact same way…

On a better note.. I’m sure everyone is aware that I am an emotional motherfucker.. But MINUTES after this whole thing went down, I headed to the gym for my second round of cardio. Usually I’d be crying myself to sleep or binging on some bullshit but I KILLED it at the gym. I am SO ready to give this my all.

As much as I did love being with him I took so much time and energy into him then into myself trying to find my way in life. I just enjoyed (ALL of) the time with him and would put that time towards hanging out and not towards improving my fitness goals.

But in the end I knew this had to happen as much as I didn’t want it to. He’s a Good guy that’s confused as fuck who didn’t mind sticking his dick where it shouldn’t of belonged. No I don’t mean you cheated on me.. But how long we’re u going to fuck me.. TELL ME YOU LOVE ME.. Before you were going to tell me you “wanted nothing to do with?”

Im not mad I’m disappointed. Another guy that I thought would NEVER do this to me, did (losing someone you love over something immature says more about him then he does me). I can’t put myself out there anymore. All the time I have is going to focus on me. Getting better feeling better looking better. I have goals and dreams and I feel like I’m on the edge of either really going far or sinking in my own self doubt.

I don’t need anyone.. I wanted him but as god is my witness, I don’t need you. And I don’t need the shit you just did to me.. NO one does. You had all night of rsd to talk to me about it… Or ask wtf was up or get my side of the story.. Because unlike her I don’t need to make up shit and would of told you the truth. You know me enter than that and know I’m not behind ANYTHING that has been said about me..  Instead you hide it and continue to talk to her.. All the while I’m laying on your chest after you just stuck your dick inside me.

Thanks for showing me your true colors before I invested anymore
time into someone less deserving. I apologize for the things I put you through, mostly because of your own actions, but because I know how easily hot headed I can be.. But just know I acted out like that because I was afraid of losing you and really did love you.

In some vain way, it’s all about me now.

P.s

Tell her to push the “unsubscribe” button next to my name and she won’t be getting “weekly updates” from me. Dumbass.

Sent from my iPhone

Paleo 101

The 15 rules of the Paleo diet:

1. The Paleo diet should be high in fat, moderate in animal protein and low to moderate in carbohydrates. Calorie counting is not encouraged, neither is portion control.
2. Eat unlimited amounts of saturated fats like coconut oil and butter or clarified butter. Beef tallow, lard and duck fat are also good, but only if they come from healthy and well-treated animals. Beef or lamb tallow is a better choice than lamb or duck fat. Olive, avocado and macadamia oil are also good fats to use in salads and to drizzle over food, but not for cooking.
3. Eat generous amounts of animal protein. This includes red meat, poultry, pork, eggs, organs (liver, kidney, heart…), wild caught fish and shellfish. Don’t be scared to eat the fatty cuts and all meals with proteins should contain fat as well. Learn to cook with bones in the form of stocks and broths.
4. Eat good amounts of fresh or frozen  vegetables either cooked or raw and served with fat. Starchy vegetables like sweet potatoes and yams are also great as a source of non-toxic carbohydrates.
5. Eat low to moderate amounts of fruits and nuts. Try to eat mostly fruits low in sugar and high in antioxidants like berries as well as nuts high in omega-3, low in omega-6 and low in total polyunsaturated fat like macadamia nuts. Consider cutting off fruits and nuts altogether if you have an autoimmune disease, digestive problem or are trying to lose weight faster.
6. Preferably choose pasture-raised and grass-fed meat coming from a local, environmentally conscious farms. If not possible, choose lean cuts of meat and supplement your fat with coconut oil, butter or clarified butter. Also preferably choose organic, local and/or seasonal fruits and vegetables.
7. Cut out all cereal grains and legumes from your diet. This includes, but is not limited to, wheat, rye, barley, oats, corn, brown rice, soy, peanuts, kidney beans, pinto beans, navy beans and black eyed peas.
8. Cut out all vegetable, hydrogenated and partly-hydrogenated oils including, but not limited to, margarines, soybean oil, corn oil, crisco, peanut oil, canola oil, safflower oil and sunflower oil. Olive oil and avocado oil are fine, but don’t cook with them, use them in salad dressings and to drizzle over prepared food.
9. Eliminate sugar, soft drinks, all packaged products and juices (including fruit juices). As a rule of thumb, if it’s in a box, don’t eat it. At the grocery store, visit only the meat, fish and produce sections.
10. Eliminate dairy products other than butter and maybe heavy cream. You don’t need dairy, but if you can’t live without, read this article and consider raw, full-fat and/or fermented dairy.
11. Eat when you’re hungry and don’t stress if you skip a meal or even two. You don’t have to eat three square meals a day, do what feels most natural.
12. Eliminate to most sources of external stress in your life as possible and sleep the most you can. Try to wakeup without an alarm and to go to bed when it’s dark.
13. Don’t over-exercise, keep your training sessions short and intense and do them only a few times per week. Take some extra time off if you feel tired. Consider short and intense sprinting sessions instead of very long cardio sessions.
14. Consider supplementing with vitamin D and probiotics. Levels of magnesium, iodine and vitamin K2 should also be optimized. Iodine can be obtained from seaweeds. You probably don’t need a multivitamin or other supplements.
15. Play in the sun, have fun, laugh, smile, relax, discover, travel, learn and enjoy life like a daring adventure!

The only proble…

The only problems we have, are the ones I’m causing. 

Protein Pancakes & Crossfit!

Protein Pancakes

This recipe is to make really healthy protein pancakes. The ingredients provided will make about 4 pancakes but you can make them how big or small you want.

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup – Rolled Oats
• 1/2 cup – Cottage Cheese (full of calcium caseinate)
• 1/2 cup – Egg Whites
• 1/4 tsp – Baking Powder
• 1/4 tsp – Cinnamon
• 1/4 cup – frozen or fresh raspberries (or other fruit)
• 1/2 cup – Whey Protein

Steps

• 1 Mix all the ingredients, except raspberries, in a food processor and blend until nice and smooth. Remove the blades and delicately fold in the raspberries. Coat a non-stick pan with a little cooking oil if you want and heat it over medium heat. When the pan is hot enough, cook your pancakes one at a time until set and golden, about 1-2 minutes per side. I like to divide my batter into 3 small pancakes, but you may choose to make one large, 2 medium or 3 small pancakes, whatever works for you.

 

Everyone and their mothers make protein pancakes. I find these make the best ones. Granted you can just mix protein powder, eggs, and oatmeal but I swear they don’t always turn out great, good but not great. Adding fruit makes it TEN times better though 🙂 These are quick and easy and great for pre or post workout.
Onto my life. Actually never mind. I am a shit show.

Gym Life: Getting back into the gym and although I am not pushing myself as hard as I can, I am still trying and still doing as much as I can. Hopefully working out everyday will finally get me to where I  need to be physically and mentally and even better than the day before.

I AMMMMM however taking my first Crossfit class tomorrow with a little lady I met on Instagram. Pretty freakin excited not gonna lie. I have been wanting to do Crossfit for awhile but its always been so expensive and I have never lived near a close gym. Well just so happens I was texting this girl and she asked me if I ever thought about doing it and my immediate response was “FUCK YEAH!” So tomorrow morning, bright and early I will be having my ass handed to me. I think I would actually do really good at this shit but I suppose I’ll find out tomorrow haha.

http://youtu.be/tzD9BkXGJ1M

What is CrossFit?

CrossFit describes its strength and conditioning program as “constantly varied, high intensity, functional movement,”^[4] with the stated goal of improving fitness (and therefore general physical preparedness), which it defines as “work capacity across broad time and modal domains.”^[5] Workouts are typically short—20 minutes or less—and intense, demanding all-out physical exertion. They combine movements such as sprinting, rowing, jumping rope, climbing rope, weightlifting, and carrying odd objects; they use barbells, dumbbells, gymnastics rings, pull-up bars, kettlebells, medicine balls, and many bodyweight exercises.^[6][7][8] These elements are mixed in numerous combinations to form prescribed “Workouts of the Day” or “WODs”. Hour-long classes at affiliated gyms, or “boxes,” typically include a warm-up, a skill development segment, the high-intensity WOD, and a period of individual or group stretching. Performance on each WOD is often scored and/or ranked to encourage competition and to track individual progress. Some affiliates offer additional classes, such as Olympic weightlifting, which are not centered around a WOD.^[9]

 

50/50

Oh, the feeling of feeling sore..

..haven’t felt this in awhile because like I always write about, I am still on my way to finding a balance between my “normal” life and my obsessive relationship with body image. Where instead of worrying about not getting a work out in and enjoying the time in which that time was spent.  It’s hard, and being in a new relationship is even harder. I have been splitting what free time I do have with him and the gym (.. I did take a few weeks off prior to this post but that’s besides the point). The only thing that is hard about this is that I am giving up being happy with myself, for being happy with him. He makes me feel comfortable. He makes me feel okay about the fact that I don’t have my bikini body 24/7. On the flip side, it doesn’t take away how I truly feel inside..  but this give and take thing is sort of wonderful… now if I can only get to love myself a few pounds heavier.

It’s a far fetched “dream” coming from a 23 yr old whose suffered from eating disorders ever since she could remember. However, there is nothing wrong with being in shape. Absolutely nothing. The only problem I see is with how obsessive I get and how I beat myself up if I’m not “up to par” with how I should.. or feel like I should look like. Now.. with that being said, whose fault is it that I am not in as great of shape as I’d like?

This girls.

Fuck. Seriously just fuck. I have no explanation. I have excuses.. that’s for damn sure, but no REASONABLE explanation as to how this makes any sense. I choose what I put into my body. I choose whether or not I am going to the gym, going to finish cardio…

I am my own worse enemy.

..even as I write this, I feel ashamed. Now I have clearly pinpointed the problem, understand the consequences, yet continue to do nothing about it.

Not this time.