Nothing new.

Besides what seemed like my whole life crashing down, I seem to have regained my balance. I went this whole week with great work outs and fantastic eating. This weekend, though, was a different story. I wanted to have 2 cheat meals, instead I practically ate shitty the entire time. Today, I am regretting the entire thing. I am feeling like complete crap. My stomach is hurting and I can’t seem to take enough medicine to help it. This vicious cycle of clean eating, turn binge is causing a lot more damage than keeping me sane. Doing quite the opposite actually. I have said this before and I will say it again, I am going to deal with the consequences but I will no longer beat myself up. Though I feel like I look like shit on top of actually feeling like shit, I need to KEEP, not even take, but keep my head out of my ass. I see what this does to me, yet do this all the time. When will I ever learn?

Starting tomorrow, Monday I am adding two (30-45) minutes of cardio in a week. I will keep my calories at about 2000 to ensure energy through out this process. I was actually contemplating whether I should do more work (cardio) or take down my calories. All of a sudden, I see a post from Erin Stern that very day speaking out about what she does. It makes the most sense. Do more work, keeping energy up for that work, then when time comes, take a few hundred calories off a day. Most likely drop to about 1700 but really all depends on how I look. I am about 3ish months out. If any one has competed knows that magic could happen in that amount of time. Knowing this, I still get bummed out. Summer is over and I wasn’t at my tip-top shape. I wasn’t happy to be in a bikini. Although, I know I looked okay, I didn’t feel great. It’s a little disappointing. But let me tell you, if I wasn’t competing, I would have stepped my game up. I would have done cardio more than once a week, and most likely dropped my calories down to look good. I didn’t want that.

But I struggle each and every day knowing that I completely 100% do.

It is so easy telling everyone around you to trust the process, but damn if it’s not easier said than done…. I look at myself and see so much that needs to be done but in due time. I just want to be lean already!!!! Its frustrating. You know what you could look like and what it’s going to take to get there, yet you look in the mirror and need to say, alright.. one day at a time. It WILL happen. Enjoy this ride..

Really? Thats almost as bad as baking brownies and needing to wait till they cool down to eat them.

Fail.

I feel like this process never gets any easier. This is literally a full-time job and I am getting burnt out. Thats why I took a week off last week, and now I have missed 2 work outs because of it. I feel lazy and unimpressed with my progress. I am consumed with looking and feeling good and its something that I have yet to control. This is not only my hobby, but my job. It is like i know nothing else. Dealing with eating disorders and insecurities it has now merged and become one with my life. If I feel fat, my whole day and attitude is ruined. I take it out on other people in which I apologize, but who really gets affected by this, is myself. I am bipolar as all hell. No, not medically diagnosed, but its a no brainer. I eat shit because of my fuck it attitude, I cry because I then feel like I ruined my progress, I work out hard as hell, then get dumped on by some other lifes curveball and I feel like all I do is take it out on myself.

Life is not easy. I feel like it is a constant struggle to keep my head above water, but I will be damned if I give up this fight. Everyday does NOT get easier, you just find ways to cope. I am going to do my best to stay positive. This road to ripped is sure a long haul but I cannot wait for my destination.

 

Birthday, Binging and Bitching.

Well well well.. If you would look at that… what’s it been.. over a week now?

In that case, lets take a look into what I have been doing, or have not been doing with a little recap, and random as hell pictures I have taken through out the week…

So, life caught up to me and I have been having a lot of ups and downs. Still trying to feel afloat and stay positive thru everything that’s been thrown at me. I guess that’s all you can do right? A long story short, the week drastically turned for the worse when I visited my college looking for a few answers and was left with nothing. Literally nothing. No financial aid, nothing. I have no idea what went wrong but without help I cannot afford to go. Though, I am taking that with a grain a salt and focusing on spending that time studying for my NASM certificate. My certification that I have now, doesn’t expire for a little less than a year, but I want to refresh myself. I also want a more recognized certification, not some run of the mill one that I currently have.

Progress shot, before I went all ape shit on thousands of calories..

Spent Friday before work, walking pit bulls at a rescue.

After school took a dump on me, I was feeling insecure about the relationship I have with my boyfriend. Things have been super rocky and this takes a total toll on my life. I can’t allow that anymore. I am done over analyzing and not trusting him. Because in the end, I AM THE ONE SUFFERING!!! I am no longer holding my true self hostage over some one else. Yes, I still love him and will love him and will continue the relationship as long as its healthy, but no more doing what I have been doing to myself. Nope. Not going to happen. I would rather lose the relationship than myself.

Yes, some of these pictures are going to have nothing to do with what I am talking about. But that’s because telling you what I ate, is well.. rather boring. So instead, just look.
Greek yogurt, blueberries and Kashi cereal.

Whole Wheat pasta, Ground Turkey and Tomatoes.

Eating a ton of Quest Bars lately. JUST GOT THE WHITE CHOCOLATE RASPBERRY!!!!

Lets jump around to another day shall we? One night we went to his buddies house, after we got some food at Jason’s Deli. I got a whole wheat wrap with spinach and turkey. Or should I say, a spinach wrap with a side of turkey. I was a little disappointed. Had mixed steamed veggies on the side as well. Though shortly after, my stomach started hurting. I ended up spending the entire time on the total debating whether I should move, or if I was in fact going to puke. Lets just say, I made it to the couch safe and sound. Now, this wasn’t exciting but this lead to my binging.

Binged on these too. Healthy or not. Recipe is from Chocolate Covered Katie:
2 cups spelt flour (250g) (All-purpose also works, and a reader had success with Bob’s gf mix plus 1 tsp xantham gum)
1/2 tsp plus 1/8 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 cup sugar of choice or xylitol (100g)
pinch pure stevia, or 2 tbsp more sugar of choice
1 tbsp apple cider vinegar or white vinegar (15g)
1 cup milk of choice (240g)
1 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract (6g)
3 tbsp vegetable or coconut oil (30g)
1 1/3 cups fresh blueberries (165g)
Preheat oven to 350 F, and grease a muffin tin or line with muffin liners. In a large mixing bowl, combine first 6 ingredients very well. In a separate bowl, whisk together all remaining ingredients except blueberries. Pour wet into dry, stir until just evenly mixed, and then add the blueberries. Gently stir again, but only until evenly mixed. It’s important to not over-stir and break the berries. Pour into the muffin tins and bake 19 minutes. Muffins should look perfectly domed when you take them out. Allow to sit 10 minutes before removing from the tins. Makes 14-15 muffins.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Quest Bar. Ftw.

Yes, you read that right. I, for the first time in MONTHS, binged. I believe it started Sunday night, or mid afternoon. I don’t know what got into me, but after going a month without cheat meals, I went crazy. Waffles and ice cream, chocolate up the ass. Literally.. carbs for days. I don’t know if I was just drained, mentally.. or deprived.. or depressed.. but I definitely stress ate the fuck out of everything in sight. Maybe it was because I knew my birthday was only days away.. but then again that would just be a validation and fuck those. So.. Monday was an all or nothing.. then it led to Tuesday as well. By Wednesday (my birthday), I believe I was alright. I got a work out in (the first one of the week) and continued to eat good.. That is till I got home. I told my boyfriend I was binging (which is the first time I have ever admitted to it) and he felt pretty bad. I think it was because he ended up bringing a pie over (again, for my birthday) and didn’t want me to feel anymore guilty. But let me tell you. I was looking forward to it and regardless of whatever was going on inside my head, it was birthday and I was going to eat it regardless.

Birthday dinner @ Texas de Brazil.

So, I spent my birthday pretty low key. Hung around the house, got to sleep pretty early. Thursday I had to be up at 4am because I had to wash my spray tan off (L O L) and had clients starting around 5am. Eating wise, I did okay. Snuck a few bites of pie in but nothing too crazy. Wonder why? well let me just cure your curiosity. The boy and I went to an all you can eat meat buffet. Yep. Texas de Brazil 🙂 I knew that going on an empty stomach wasn’t the smartest idea, as you may or may not believe. So I made sure I ate a little previously to eating dinner. THe night didn’t go as planned but I am not going to go into detail about it because I plan on moving on and remembering the good times. After we left for dinner, we rented a movie and got a small thing of ice cream. He mentioned going to the casino but by this time it was around 11pm and anyone that knows me even the slightest bit knows that by 11pm I want to pass the F out.. However.. I was actually open to the idea. After bumming around for 30 minutes we headed out. We only spent about an hour there. The first machine we sat down next to, I ended up winning $75. That was nice. Considering I have been to many casinos and HAVE NEVER WON BEFORE! I ended up cashing out, giving the boo back $20 and kept $40 in my pocket so I would be up all night. Left the casino and headed to bed.

Now we have today. Ate a pretty healthy “breakfast” at around 2pm and hung out with each other till I hate to leave for work at 3. I got to work and trained 2 clients, and then….. had 6 cancellations. Yep. So I ended up half assing a work out, went to the store for a few things and arrived home around 7:30pm.

Now.. a recap of what I have learned this week:

I needed to take a break from eating as clean as I did for 4 weeks.
I cannot depend on someone for my own happiness.
I can eat a lot.

Basically that sums up everything. But since this is a road to ripped, fitness enthused blog. I wanted to take a little look into what this week really meant. I believe that everything happens for a reason. That being said, I truly believe I needed this week “off” to gain control back. I needed to take a look at myself, whether it was in disgust (I mean.. come on. How would you feel THOUSANDS OF CALORIES later???), or in a positive manner. I ended up gaining 7 lbs and although I felt like crap the days I ate like crap (coincidence?), I was physically and mentally drained. I am currently 13 weeks out from another bikini show (which is a huge amount of time), and excited to get back on track. Because although I was LOVING the progress I was making, everything seemed like a chore to me. I was excited about working out (WHEN I was working out) but prior everything about the day was just annoying me. Prepping my meals, working out for however long, dealing with people and clients who didn’t take training seriously, or whatever it was… it was on my last nerve.

7lbs heavier. Just another reason to get my head out of my ass.

So, what I am trying to say, is that sometimes we all need just a mini “vaca” away from our every day life once in a while. Especially if you are competing or working out tremendously throughout the week, you have to LISTEN to your body. NO! I am NOT saying to binge in any way shape or form.. but give yourself a break. If you want a PB&J sandwich.. have that motherfucking PB&J sandwich. This is LIFE.. you are supposed to enjoy it. Don’t fall victim to becoming obsessive and unhealthy about what you are doing. Training should give you a mental toughness on what you can endure. It is a way of life. It is supposed to help motivate you to make healthier decisions, to live longer, to be HAPPY and in LOVE with the person that’s looking back at you in mirror. Try to find a balance. We all just need to find a balance.

Highlights!

Highlights of my week (since I fell off the radar. Imagine that):

Thursday:

Leg Day and holy hell was it crazy.
300 squats. Yes, 3 0 0.
50 @ 45lbs
40 @ 65lbs
30 @ 85lbs
20 @ 105lbs
10 @ 125lbs
10 @125lbs
20 @ 105lbs.. ext you get the picture. All the way back up to 50 reps.

It took us a little over an hour to complete. I was exhausted.

I have been tracking my food intake for the last couple days. I have been staying around 2000 calories but haven’t been paying attention to my carbs/protein as much. Starting this week (tomorrow), I will get more detailed about it.

2051 calories
244g carbs
191g protein
36g fat

With 1196 calories burned via exercise.

Friday:

Didn’t have too busy of a day. Most of my clients cancelled. I really didn’t do a full work out either. I attempted to do a little upper body but mentally was just not there. The calories burned (286) were from taking Marley to the park. I did some lunges and a sort little exercise. I didn’t count (or track via my heart rate monitor) the sad excuse for an upper body work out I did before I had my first client. So, nothing too interesting. Nor anything to “highlight”.

1814 calories
185g car
196g protein
42g fat

286 calories burned via exercise.

Saturday:

Woke up pretty early for my first client around 8am. I had one more before I did a spin class at 9am. This is basically my only form of cardio right now. So yes, not as lean as I would like but I am not going to do what I did last contest prep and over due cardio to try to speed up the process.

Here is a picture I took Saturday:

Sitting at 150lbs still. Not losing any weight, but I am not really trying to. Again. have been eating around 2000 calories and only about an hour of cardio. It is very important that the next 15 weeks, that I stay positive and in the day. Last prep, I did too  much cardio and lost my ass in fear that my abs wouldn’t show. For anyone doing a competition (actually, for any one starting a new fitness regimen) DO NOT FIGHT THE PROCESS!! Of course we all want to be lean and some of us would like to look “shredded”. It WILL come. Just be patient. I have a lot of room to play around with via my food intake and adding more cardio. You have to understand the basics before you start starving yourself to lose the weight. What ends up happening is you mess up your metabolism and will gain the weight right back. It is a vicious cycle. Do some research, or hire someone to do it for you and take each day as it comes. I promise you that it will be worth it. Ended my work day around 1:30pm.

On my way to the boys house!

I got home around 2 and took a shower before I headed to the boyfriend’s house. Actually, I took a shower and slept for an hour before I headed to the boyfriend’s house. He had a big party to go to that I was actually quite anxious about going too. I am not a big drinker (actually when I do drink, I don’t get drunk. So Please don’t pass the bottle, pass a motherfucking cupcake. Way worth the calories than)! I actually don’t like the whole partying lifestyle and quite frankly, just not my thing. So, that being said it was hard to see him enjoying his liquor as much as he was. I am however, not his mother and although I spoke my mind, I felt like I had no right. I want him to have fun.. but I don’t trust a lot about that lifestyle. Acting way different drunk than sober. Getting loud and acting like his friends but after a few talks with a new client of mine, and his and I’s tispy talk, I am no longer going to worry (yes, WAY easier said then done) about our relationship. I feel like I have finally found a happy medium and will continue to stay positive and pray. I don’t know. But before I choke on my words, It wasn’t that bad. Granted it was supposed to be WAY bigger than it was, I didn’t have as bad of a time as I thought I would sober. Just sat there drinking my water 🙂 and eating of course. Though, not everything I wanted. There was 3 different cakes, and dips and great freakin stuff! But I held my own and my lovely boyfriend fed me meat all night. I added in my calories (although I guessed) and it came out to be like 700 calories worth of meat. Def don’t think that’s legit but whatever 🙂 Still met my goal.

Well.. only because by the time I took 3 bites of his oreo cake (WHICH BTW WAS AMAZING), it was passed midnight. So I added the 150 calories of cake to the next day.

1990 Calories
158g carbs
133g protein
89g fat

317 calories burned via spin class.

Sunday Funday:

We didn’t get home till around 4am after making a pit stop at a secret fishing spot (he caught 2 bass pretty quickly and randomly) and at his buddies house. We slept in till around 12:30 ( I know!! :/) haha and headed downtown Chicago for some sushi. Knowing this, I was a little sad because it is my favorite sushi place and I really wanted to stay on my 4 week no cheat challenge. But when we got there, the owner who is one of our good friends picked out a dish that wasn’t on the menu and ordered it for me. It was basically chicken and veggies with brown rice (sauce on the side, though I just used soy sauce). I was super happy! And to think I thought all I would have would be edamame. Blah! After that, we drove home. He felt bloated (per usual) and I felt fine. It’s a whole different story when you don’t eat till you’re full. It almost feels good. Not to forget, that by 6pm I still had my abs. Hell yes! All thanks to a little challenge I created for myself. Only 10 days though!! Just 10 days and I can enjoy a full on cheat meal! So glad its my birthday too. It will be a double whammie!! yes.. I just said whammie.

 

Dragonfly in Chicago!

We laid in bed for a bit, while the food digested. Took the dog for a walk and I left shortly after. I have to be up at 5am tomorrow and well.. it never gets any easier. Tomorrow is definitely going to be a long day, but I guess it is what it is. Hopefully have a nice little upper body work out!

1795 calories (although I MAY eat another meal. I’m not sure).
167g carbs
86g protein (fail)
57g fat

0 exercise. My lovely day off!

Time to snooze!