Giving Thanks.

Finally a post where I have nothing to complain about. Okay well pretty sure I can find something to bitch about but nothing too mood changing. I have been spending a lot of time with family and really putting forth an effort to better myself. I could always be doing more but lets just leave that alone before I get anxious… 😉

Mike met the extended family last night for thanksgiving. He didn’t come for dinner but came shortly after. Everyone was super excited to meet him mostly because I can never stop talking about him. Like here we go.. I have never met a man like him let alone one I can call  mine. He brightens the room up, he puts a smile on my face, he makes me happy like none other, he is truly my gift from God. I am so ecstatic that everyone loves him as much as I do. On the ride home my mom was talking about how different it was when my family met my other boyfriend Dan. It was like night and day and I’m pretty sure everyone could sense it. There’s just something about Mike.. I wish I could explain it better but just know that this is something I pray every day about. Something, someone, I am truly thankful for.

It was nice though, a nice quiet thanksgiving. We all had dinner, digested a bit then played a few games of round robin (a family pastime at EVERY holiday), ate some dessert then took turns playing WII on the big screen downstairs. It was a good time.. a GREAT time interacting and laughing with each other. With everything that has gone wrong in my life, its times like these that make me feel blessed. I have a great loving family and I can’t be more appreciative.

MY family ❤

Dessert ❤

Family Time ❤

I have been eating clean this entire week (yay! go me!) and have been actively going to the gym (again WHOOOHOO!!!). So as I sit here writing this every part of my body is sore. I haven’t been splitting my routine up into body parts like I usually train. Instead I have been doing pretty much full body training. A day or two I wasn’t really feeling it but at-least got my cardio in. I have a little less than 4 weeks for my Fitness Class and really want to pass it with an A. I think I have about 24 more hours to go before I reach an A but its definitely doable. I didn’t go yesterday mostly because Mike and I just laid in bed till 12 but I was exhausted. He left to go spend time with his family and I laid in bed for a little while longer. I had plans to go walk Marley in the Forest Persevere, its about 5.5 miles, with my sister but by the time she declined it was too late for my to go to the gym. So instead I took Marley on a long walk around the neighborhood. We stopped at this jungle gym and Marley had a fun time going up and down the slides. She makes me so happy 🙂 I then got back and had to get ready. I still hadn’t eaten at this time but meh. I knew I would be eating in no time so I just went with the flow. I didn’t eat much even at dinner though (I usually always get seconds!), but definitely had 2 of my moms brownies 🙂 Woke up with a flat tummy so again (omg.),so  nothing to complain about here (for once!.

My plate (minus 2 brownies) 😉

I do however, have things I want to work on. I will continue to work on myself as a person and as my weight is concerned but I want to focus on my relationship with God. I want to work on finding a job where I am appreciated and really start kicking my ass in school. I know that I have a purpose here and I think I am ready to discover it.

Headed to Wisconsin after work with the boy and a couple of his friends. Hopefully eating wont be a problem because I know I won’t be working out like Id like. I did however bring a pair of gym shoes if I get the urge to go for a run. Hey! you never know.

** this post was about giving thanks and although I did say I was thankful for some of the people in my life.. I happened to fail to mention my father and his wife Cathy. I obviously post about my life but not my whole life and I hope one day I will be able to write it in a way that truly depicts what I went through who I went through it with and how it honestly affected me. Until then Ill keep it short. I am truly appreciative of all that you two have done. I know that everything happens for a reason.. things happen just because it can’t  always rainbows and sunshine. I love you two with all of my heart.

*** and now I feel guilty that I didn’t single out MY ONE AND ONLY MOTHER. You know that you are by far my best friend, the true love of my life. We have been through the end of the world and back together and were still as strong as ever. We have come a long way mom but where here where we are for a reason. We may not have much but we have our faith and we will always have our faith. Day in day out mom I am here for you.. well get through this.. in the end, everything will be okay .. if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.

I’m going to get you some of these mom.. Look at the one in the corner.. DO what you LOVE.. do what you love mom.. you know.

I really am so blessed with EVERYONE in my life.. I have reconnected with people, I have begun new relationships kept ones stronger, lost a few for the better. With everything that I am always going through, these people in my life have made this journey truly what it is..

So thank you.

Some motivation please!

Motivational Monday eh? Seems about right. Had a shit show of a weekend again resulting in me getting arrested for the 2nd time in the last 3 months. I won’t go into detail about the way the Rosemont police department treated my boyfriend and I only because I have court Dec 13 and will explain from start to finish when I hear the verdict of our court case. My voice WILL be heard.

Any who I want to keep this post simple and to the point. I had a lovely lady text me needing motivation to get back in the gym. At which point I sent a sexy girl on stage just trying to make her laugh when she went further into detail. She explained that she gained a lot of weight and its hard to get back in the gym because its embarrassing. And its true, its such a horrible feeling to have to leave in the middle of a workout because I feel worthless unmotivated, like I’m getting no where. The thing is, is I was getting somewhere. It doesn’t take a day, wont even take a month but as long as you know that every day you are a day closer to feeling better about yourself, you need to hang on.

I have left mid leg press. Tears streaming down my face not giving a FUCK who saw and just walking out because I was so overwhelmed. Finishing 15 minutes of cardio and thinking I am wasting my time. Binging and not working out because of it. I’ve been through all of it and still to this day knowing what needs to be done in order for me to be happy, keeps me going. We all start somewhere, you just have to. It’s going to be hard, its going to suck you’re going to be tired and cranky most likely hungry, but in the end I rather be tired because of two a days at the gym then spending hours upon hours hating myself, hating the person I let myself become.

It sucks to have to write this. I tend to be the one that motivates others and its hard to help when I have been living in self doubt for awhile now. Its like listen to what I say because it will help, but I can’t seem to help myself right now. But I have been, for the last few days maybe even the last 2 weeks I have been putting a lot more effort into myself because it just got unbearable. The only thing I can say is that I hope everyone kicks their own ass and sticks with eating healthy and working out because once you let yourself slip into your old habits its hard to kick them. You get feelings that are beyond describable to where you just want to curl up in bed under the covers and sleep the day away. Ive had many days like this. Ive had days where my attitude changes in the blink of an eye because of my weight. I have skipped going out and enjoying life and friends and a good time all because my clothes didn’t fit right or I’m bloated from drinking a diet coke. My life hasn’t been easy. I’ve dealt with everything from anorexic bulimia and binge eating.I can pick myself apart better than anyone out there, living a life of self worthlessness but I know what I am capable of. and just because I am unhappy with myself right now doesn’t mean I am giving up. I’m ready to work hard.. I’m ready to give it my all. I want to be happy because I achieved something not wallow in my own self pity, but you know what that involves? The first step.

“When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. “

Haven’t written lately. Mostly because nothing new has transpired. Pretty sure that’s an even split of good and bad. Not sure how well I could stand a few more things go wrong.

I have been hanging in there though. Taking everything with ease. Again, so thankful for the support group I have because without them staying positive would be hell. Been a week of clean eating. I had a slip up last night which ended in passing out early as fuck. Not beating myself is goal number one. I will however try a little harder in the gym tonight. Speaking of the gym, went 3 times this work week which is stellar for me right now. When I am there though, I feel so fucking good (Except when I see a bad ass body I’m super jealous about of course lol) <– which that sometimes has a reverse affect on my motivation. Sometimes I get so caught up and impatient that it makes me hate how I feel that I look like. But that’s where Ashley comes in.. I’ll text her every thing I’m feeling any point of the day and shes always there just reminding me that I’ll get there. and I KNOW I’ll get there its just hard dealing with the consequences of enjoying life how I have been. But again, everything will be okay.

I wish I was a little more organized with this blog thing. Writing out my daily scheduled eating, what work outs I complete, cool website finds, amazing products I stumble upon.. Thinking my resolution will be to improve this blog. Really go further into my life, a little more detailed. I think that I can really start helping people out. It’s nice when things are a simple read but very informative. I have a lot to teach, and love helping people with that step closer to self love.. real inner happiness..

Life with the boyfriend is fantastic. We have been growing closer and closer and it feels so good, so with the holidays coming I couldn’t be happier. I am going to enjoy thanksgiving and Christmas without a care in the world.

I really am starting to understand what it takes. I need a month or two to really get the lean look I am looking for. If I’m not lean, I’m not happy and it takes A LOT of dedication to stay lean year round. Again, another resolution.

Shane from my ig and fb messaged me last night or the night before and this is how the conversation went:

Shane Riley

How do you balance it all? School, gym, boyfriend, work..I mean it seems like you have a crazy busy life how do you do it all

12:08pm

Marissa Marie

I really dont. I have ass everything. I get in phases though.. Like before no bf I competed bc I really didn’t have anything else to do bc I wasn’t personal training anymore then got a bf and he takes a lot of my time but I don’t mind I do when I beat myself up over not always being stage ready but I have to learn how to love myself stage ready and a little less lean. I feel like I have an uncomfortable limit. Like I let myself go for a bit but now it’s time to start killing it. Idk if think maybe THAT’S my “balance”.. Staying lean is hard and sometimes I don’t always make that time.. I do what I want when I want. Sometimes I wish I was smarter at times bc if I did find a legit “balance” I could juggle things in life.. Then again idk if I like juggling. I like living life as is

12:34pm

Shane

That makes sense.. I just needed perspective from somebody else that’s been through this cuz I feel like I can’t rly find a balance either

1:48pm

Marissa Marie

you just have to do what you want whenever you want. workout when you want to you know the benefits of doing it and not doing it. its all up to you. I just cant be happy being fat.. so i push my limits and go from there. most people have a lot going for them magazines cover shoots ext so its easier for them to constantly be working out because technically their getting paid for it. .. me on the other hand have life throwing curve balls every which way i turn.. I just know that in the end I have to do what makes me happy. If i want to eat like shit let me eat like shit.. ill deal with it later.. if i want to skip a workout to go to a movie ok.. if i want to sleep fuck it.. im not beating myself up any more.. im just lucky because i like the process of turning my body into a machine so when I start I keep going till I hit a high then i find myself enjoying life more instead of inside the gym walls.

2:06pm

Shane

How come you stopped being a personal trainer?

3:58pm

Marissa Marie

I quit because of a now ex boyfriend. Worst decision of my life.

4:02pm

Shane

How come you don’t do it again?

4:03pm
Marissa Marie
I do sometimes on the side but a I don’t want to work for someone sometimes it’s more about $$$ and I don’t believe in that 2 I’m trying to focus on school 3 idk. Not gonna lie idk

I don’t know how to balance it all.. that’s my problem. I beat myself up one day, it grows into two or three days.. I get fed up feeling disgusted with myself then become obsessed with eating clean and lifting till I look how I want.. or till I get depressed and feed my emotions with sugar and lots of it and oh hey look! were back at square one.  It’s literally a vicious cycle..one in which every day I am learning different ways to cope and hopefully end it one day.

About the whole personal training issue…I had once dated thee ultimate douche. Made me quit my job move in change numbers watch my every mood type thing which obviously meant quiting my job (personal trainer) and it was the worst decision I ever made in my life. It was the best job, making great money doing what I love. I don’t know what I was thinking. Things were rough at that time but I thought it was the right thing to do.  Afterall he was the GM of the same franchise what could go wrong. Ohhh.. lol. what didn’t? Anywho it was what it was. I learned more life lessons then just losing a job..I can be a personal trainer anywhere. I don’t feel too bad about it though because in the end I don’t want to work for a company. They think WAY too much about the money and getting peoples money than results and changing peoples life. Like for example my boss would ask me how many resigns I had that month and although I met my “goals” every time , I never got to tell her how many lifes I’ve helped change and that was the true goal. It’s just my philosophy on the matter.. so everyones right,  I suppose I could just go out and train people like I use too but I am not ready for that. I will be, just not yet. I want to continue my education in the wellness field and hopefully become an actually coach (not JUST a personal trainer, something more) for everyone looking for help out there. Until then I myself  am finding myself more and more everyday and although it is a struggle, I’m in it for the long run.

Don’t have much planned for the weekend. I do however want sushi BAD so that’s my only criteria for Saturday or Sunday lol. I do plan on getting a couple workouts in because it really does make me feel like I got this.

Leaving you with a recipe from Chocolate Covered Katie that I am SUPER stoked about. My mom always makes apple crisp and so I know whats in it lol (definitely not the healthiest) but I WILL enjoy some on Turkey Day, but until then this simple recipe will def leave my taste buds satisfied.

Single-Lady Apple Crumble

(can be gluten-free)

• 1 medium-sized apple, diced small
• 1/8 tsp salt
• 2 tbsp milk of choice
• 1/2 tsp apple pie spice (you can probably sub cinnamon)
• 1 stevia packet or 1-2 tbsp sugar or sucanat
• optional add-ins: walnuts, raisins, etc.
• 3 tbsp quick oats (15g) (For substitution notes, see nutrition link below.)
• 2 tsp oat flour (or another flour of choice) (4g)
• 1 tbsp oil or butter-type spread (such as Smart Balance Light or Earth Balance) (15g) (For a fat-free substitution, see “nutrition facts” link below.)

Preheat oven to 350 F and grease an oven-safe 2-cup dish. In a small mixing bowl, combine first five ingredients (and optional add-ins, if desired). Stir well. In a separate mixing bowl, combine remaining three ingredients and stir well. Now mix everything together and pour into the greased dish. (If you like a more-crumbly crumble, increase the amounts of the last three ingredients.) Bake 40 minutes (in the middle of the oven, not the very top), then turn the oven to high-broil for 2-3 minutes. Turn off heat, but let sit in oven 15 more minutes.

I am staying strong for once.

I have been having anxiety lately.

From the shower, to today at work and I am praying that inside I’ll feel okay. Because in my heart, I know it will be.