Progress.. Or lack thereof.

Just stopped watching a movie because I had the urge to write. 

Things arent going as planned but I suppose if you expect something, you’ll always be disappointed. Not trying to be disappointed anymore. I want to try and make the best out of any situation life throws at me and try to become a better person. I feel like I still have so much in me that has yet to scratch the surface, but stuck finding a way to show it. I guess thats just a part of living..

I took a week off from the gym.. on accident. I swear haha. I don’t know exactly what happened because it was last week but I do know that the 13th was my mans birthday and the 14th was Valentines Day. We went to Texas De Brazil for his birthday (really suppose to be a mix of the two), and enjoyed an aray of meats and a nice salad bar. Oh.. can’t forget the fried bananas and garlic mash on the table at all times (why yes, I did help myself actually). It was a nice dinner, a little odd though. It was kind of quiet.. another situation where I feel like he and I don’t have much to talk about. Thats actually pretty scary considering I want to marry the fucker.. but I think its me overanazlying the situation.. yet again. Maybe its because we work together and are always in contact with each other..maybe.. 

but thats changing and so far, not seeing him everyday has made his presence that much special when I do. I seriously love him with every ounce of my body. 

Okay okay enough with the lovey dovey bullshit. I got him a gift card to bass pro, as unthoughtful as it may sound. I spent quite a few days asking his brother and another fishing “expert” on facebook which fishing reel he may like. Neither had a solid answer so I figured he could just skip the trip of a return and get what he wanted from the geico. He loved it.. even more, the card I got for him which made me feel really good. After the two holidays we ended up going up to Wisconsin for a little ice fishing trip. It was a group of 3 girls and 3 guys and turned out pretty well. Usually with that many people I find it hard for it to be drama free but it kinda was… The only thing was on friday night we all got kind of drunk and thought it was a good idea to take the truck out on the ice and do donuts at 2am..Yea well it ended pretty quickly when we found ourselves stuck on top of a rock for 45 minutes. The girl I was with took videos but I haven’t seen them yet. Which I would figure is a good thing 🙂 On saturday after we got our lazy asses up we headed on the ice. I caught probably 3-4 keepers which is always nice but a few hours later is where the problem lied. The boys told us girls to just head home and they would meet us back there (it was FREEZING), so we listened. As soon as we got in the truck and attempted to drive away, up a slight hill, it felt like we had fallen into a ditch. Okay.. so we reverse and get nothing. Just tires spinning, so I tell her to stop. We were not going any where. She gets out of the truck and looks at her front left tire and her mouth drops. I am laughing at this point and get out thinking it couldn’t be that bad. I walk over, and I was wrong. Her tire looked like it was nicely placed up against her car. Wtf? After a little more inspecting we realize that her 5 lug nuts were completey missing. Unfuckingreal. Luckily I have an amazing boyfriend and was able to jack her car up and able to put the tire back on with 4 lugs from the other truck we had taken. An hour later, we were back on the road headed home. I have heard of Wisconsin people messing with Illinois license plated cars, but COME ON! 

The rest of the trip went well and was back at home around 8pm on Sunday. I stayed over his house ( I live 45 minutes away) just to be closer to work the next day. 

Everything after that I will explain a little later. Things are still a bit rough and don’t need my dumbass saying anything I shouldn’t say so I won’t.

 

For now.

Anywho, don’t really think I ate that bad except when we stopped at Culvers on our way home but it was do worth it. Double burger with cheese curds. Yeah. Other than that my eating was fine.. just drank a little.. lol. Felt a little bad but I enjoyed that week. I can’t recall any binging which is a good thing but think my body needed a little break. I mean I haven’t taken one in what a month and a half? Alright that sounded like an excuse because to be quite frank I could of enjoyed that week without the booze and added calories but I chose to do what I wanted to. I don’t even think I gained that much weight, maybe a pound or two but what I do know is that my ass got smaller which is a major fail. I swear you work on shit for days even months and its gone in minutes…

So, what does that mean? 

Only that I am kicking my ass harder than I have before. I have about 5 weeks left and although it doesnt seem like much I am going to do my best. So what if I don’t do this show, there is always another one. I just rather be comfortable and confident then just doing something to do it. Being on that stage, if youre not comfortable people can see it. I don’t need that, nor do I want to beat myself up over not placing or looking like shit next to these conditioned girls. BUT the point is that I am still going strong and I will continue to push through these couple of weeks and really prove to myself that I can do it. I want my abs!!!!! I want a huge butt!!!! and FUCK I WILL GET THEM!!!!!!!!

🙂 that is all.

Sent from my iPhone

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iPhone post

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. As a matter of fact, with my work out progress and even eating habits the past few days, one would assume that’s all I do. Like chair in front of a white wall type shit. 

And about what you may ask? 
I don’t even fucking know. 

Mostly because I have no solution to anything. I am literally about to jump head first into the unknown in every aspect of my life.
Every single one.

and every single one I am leaving up to God
and having faith that one day I will understand it all. 

I wish I had all the answers. I just wish I knew what the fuck I am getting myself into. 

Monday 36/83 (2/11)

I totally jinxed myself.

Saturday I went off my rocker. No, I jumped off that bitch.

Oh not following me? I “binged”. Not to the extent of which I have before but definitely consumed a shit load of calories thanks to none other than myself. All I did was sleep and eat chocolate and I would give it all back than have to endure the stomach pains all day sunday. After 2 hour increments of going to the bathroom, I woke up with a 4 month prego food baby looking stomach. I couldn’t even function right. I went to a couple of stores with my mom and had to leave early because the stomach pains just didn’t want to go away. So when I got home I chugged pepto and tried drinking some water. Nothing really helped except a heating pad for about 30 minutes.

I am so dumb. Literally a fucking idiot. Yes, I tell my clients not to worry and not to be upset after a binge or even a legit cheat meal but now I see how it’s so easily said then done. I feel worthless. I already have my doubts about this contest and I just threw it away for a day. Yes a day, so yes I sound like an idiot but I also feel like one. I have yet to do this the entire prep but it’s still no excuse. I have about 6.5 weeks left and here I go doing the destructive things I have done in the past. But it ends here. Maybe I just needed that, maybe it will work out for me in the end. I technically didn’t have a cheat meal last week so … a possible validation? Lol.. no.

That’s what you call an excuse ladies and gentleman!

But I am over it.

Planned my next couple of weeks which will be harder but I really want to start leaning out now. Hopefully my little abs want to make an appearance some time in the near future 🙂

So, even after my baby food drama the boyfriend and I went to sushi. LOL. Hmmm… rice when already bloated? Whatever, it is what it is. We did finish off some fried ice cream because apparently I am just a born fat ass at heart. No lie. We ended up just getting a movie and relaxing the rest of the night (aka I passed out).

Things are starting to get a little nerve-racking lately. By the end of the week things will have drastically changed (for the better, I hope) and change is hard to deal with at times. He (the bf) did mention how maybe all of this will make us work harder into moving in together and how he doesn’t feel any of this will change us. It is always nice to have a little reassurance..  so I am starting not to worry about us that much any more. I just can’t waste time on the unknown. I must have faith that we will be okay at the end of the day, because as much as I preach, everything will be okay in the end. Everything IS done for a reason, and anything meant to be will find a way. All I do know is that I love this man very much and frankly, that’s all that matters.

For now, I want to focus on myself. Get MY shit together and have everything else fall into place.

I have faith.

Wednesday 31/83 (2/6)

Fuckkkkk. I really need to stop comparing myself with other people because frankly, it is not working.

7 weeks to go and I feel it’s not enough time. My legs are getting lean which is a good thing but I see no definition in my arms (which has ALWAYS been a problem) and my abs are only visible when I wake up in the morning. Though makes perfect sense with the amount of water I drink. Still going to train as if it IS enough time and worry about it later.

Again, I have plans to limit my carbs and fruit intake and up the amount of cardio in a few weeks, so hopefully (fingers crossed) everything works out. Just so nerve-racking sometimes.

Nothing is really effecting my mood lately or my want to binge because that “want” isn’t there anymore. I love my cheat meals but I don’t count down the days till I get one as surprising as that sounds. I do have a hershey kiss in times of “need” 😉 but that’s as far as it goes. My cheat meals aren’t even that calorie dense anymore. I just don’t live to eat and that’s how it should be!

My life outside of the gym has been good as well. It’s my boyfriends birthday the day before Valentines day so we are planning on going to Texas De Brazil in Schaumburg which is pretty much an all you can eat MEAT restaurant. You have these cards on the table, along with mashed potatoes, cheese filled biscuits and bananas haha, which are red on one side and green on another. You place the green side up if you want the servers to come around, or flip it to red when you need a little breathing room lol and trust me that red side comes in handy! They come around with endless amounts of meat and it’s just plain awesome. I haven’t been there is forever so super stoked to finally get to go!

Things are starting to look up and I will explain a little more in to detail when I know the time is right.. or when I know I am allowed too 😉

Keep pressing on folks!

 

 

Monday 29/83 (2/4)

So here is my first progress picture:

I had another one where my stomach was showing but honestly with how my legs looked, I looked WAY too disproportional. So I decided to go with this one.

Like I’ve mentioned before, I have barely done any cardio (in the fear I’d lose my ass) and still eating quiet a few carbs. While I was in bed last night I was playing around on my calender on my phone and setting a few reminders. Adding an hour of cardio in about 2 weeks (currently doing 30 minutes of cardio after my life session), taking out fruit 4 weeks out and so forth.

I have been creeping a couple peoples pictures on instagram and have been actually getting quite nervous. I feel like I am not going to be ready. I shouldn’t even think this because I still have 7 weeks left to go. I just get nervous sometimes. I barely have my abs and my arms are always slacking. The only thing I feel good about is my legs. I do know that once I start taking out a little bit of carbs and my fruit and up cardio that I should start seeing more results, but the clock is ticking!

Either way, I will be happy with my body because it is TEN times better than it was before I started. I just need to keep up the momentum even after I compete. I really don’t see a problem with it either. New things are arising so getting into the gym everyday will NOT be a problem.  Not only that but I honestly haven’t binged once. UGH! I keep wanting to blog about cheating and bingeing and just haven’t gotten around to it. I just think its really important to know that you can have whatever you want as long as it is in moderation. I always feel like shit after I binge and feel so guilty that it turns into a vicious cycle.

Not this time.

I can honestly say I feel so much better regarding my relationship with food. I have found the joy in treating my body to the food that it deserves, not the bullshit cravings I create in my head. Yes it is nice to splurge and eat moms homemade apple crisp (last night..oops!), but one serving was enough to satisfy myself with. Yes, I could of ate the whole pan. Yes, I could of felt guilty and consumed a thousand more calories just because. But I no longer want to. I want to live my life and love the body I was given. I am taking all of this time and putting it into the gym that I actually feel guilty when I “snack”. Now this isn’t right either but you have to understand I am trying to compete here in a few weeks. Anyone just living the healthy lifestyle should not feel guilty because of one or two hershey kisses!

Saturday 27/83 (2/2)

Haven’t posted much because nothing much is new.

Still working at my shitty job. Practically paying to work there. Things are in the works and I pray to God for every door that he has opened for me recently.

The boy and I are doing good. Rolling with the punches I would say. Mostly because I am still insecure as FUCK but working on it everyday. Luckily he is a great man and just as most guys would say, putting up with it. I have been bitching at him lately because of his drinking. He doesn’t think it’s a big deal but needs to know that not only am I not about that “life” but I also come from an alcoholic background. He isn’t binge drinking like lets say, some of his friends are but I also have never been with someone who casually drinks as much as he does. I just want him to be careful, that’s all. That and well…. I don’t trust many people’s decisions when they are under the influence and I will leave it at that.
In regards to training, I am still going strong. I just started to add cardio in my schedule because I hit the 8 week mark just yesterday. I am getting  a bit nervous but have to realize that its a solid 2 months away. A lot can be done in that amount of time. I just have to use it wisely. About 3 or 4 days ago, I did deadlifts for the first time in a while. About 2 days after that workout I was so sore. The next day, even worse. Now, don’t get me wrong I KNOW how being sore  but this felt like I was tearing things whenever I bent down. It was BAD. Now, I am all better and still going as hard as I can.

My diet has still consisted of brown rice, oatmeal, whole wheat pastas and the occasional fiber tortilla (I use for morning wraps of eggs and ground turkey). Eggs, ground turkey, chicken and protein powders. I also still have some fruit in my diet. I won’t take anything out just yet, but relying on the added cardio to lose a little bit of weight. I want to “preserve” any muscle I have for the time being.

In about 2-3 weeks, I will add more cardio and take out fruits and possibly lower the amount of carbs I am currently eating. I just hope I can keep my ass. It really is THAT important.

Everything else in my life, seems to be looking up. I haven’t binged like I have in past contest preps which I find is extremely amazing. I think it’s because if I want something, I have it. It’s as simple as that. Thinking of writing a blog post about cheat meals. I truly think its important to live a little, especially when you are not dieting for a show.

Hope all is well.