“Don’t let the fight consume you.”

I read this at the exact moment that I was meant to read it.

Post in progress.

IIFYM

I just ate a brownie. My stomach is in knots and I have a huge headache. It’s crazy how eating healthy for so long and ingesting something that isn’t, affects you so greatly.

That being said, I believe in IIFYM (if it fits your macros), to a point. Macros aka macronutrients, are your carbs proteins and fats. You are given a calorie “goal” as well as c/p/f.. And technically you could eat whatever you wanted as long as it fits in your means.

I find people are either pro clean eating or iifym. But those for iifym, seem to have a thing against clean eaters.. Making memes about it, like eating icecream in the shower.. Ext. I believe in whatever works for that person. Personally, my stomach can’t handle shit foods, nor does my mind. I feel guilty, more so because I tend to bloat pretty bad.. And who can feel happy being bloated?

Anyways, I like my clients to eat 5-6 days “clean” then treat themselves to a “cheat MEAL” once or twice a week. For different reasons.. Mostly up keep them sane. Unless you’ve been in the game for awhile.. You have habits that need to be broken, and until they are brought to the surface, many people can’t stick to a “diet”. They are too use to eating crappy and don’t feel satisfied eating chicken and veggies majority of the time..another reason I believe in eating healthy, wholesome foods, is because of vitamins and minerals. Yes, you could lose weight eating cheeseburgers all day, but sooner or later it’s going to catch up to you.

The thing is, I don’t care if you eat clean or eat icecream.. I want people to enjoy being fit. I want people to grab ahold of themselves and start treating their bodies better. I struggled for years before I took the healthy route, and I’m stunned it took that long.

We get it.. Take away food, you’ll lose weight.

Why low carb diets “work”- yes.. using the word (work) extremely loosely..

Weight loss or gain is primarily related to total caloric intake, not the macronutrient profile of the diet. The weight lost on a low carbohydrate diet can be attributed to two factors: low caloric intake and loss of fat-free mass. If an individual begins dropping carbohydrate rich foods from his or her diet, it is inevitable that caloric intake will drop as a result. Added to the caloric reduction, are dwindling glycogen stores. For every gram of glucose taken out of glycogen, it brings with it 2.7g of water. This loss of muscle glycogen (including water) can be quite significant in the first week of a low carb diet, and adds to the pounds lost on the scale. This is how low carbohydrate fad diets can promise dramatic weight loss in such a short period. Long term success in weight loss is associated with realistic eating style, not one that severely limits or omits one of the macronutrients.

2 week progress and a crap ton of pictures.

Well would you look at that.. the longest I’ve gone without broadcasting my life for the world to see!

LOL. A lot has gone on I don’t even know where to begin.. Or because I forgot just how long I went without posting for… Hmm..

Lets start off with…. SOME BAD ASS PROGRESS, shall we??! 😛

Beginning and up until 11/27-

2 week difference and a $30 spray tan.

This is a 2 week difference. All I have been doing is lifting heavy shit and following my meal plan to a T. Barely any cardio unless you count boxing for 45 minutes on saturday. I rarely do any now thinking I am going to lose my ass. Speaking of which!

Le ex (going to be current very soon) boyfriend said that my butt was getting smaller.. that’s like.. THEE worst thing to hear when you start dieting down.. It took me back to when I first competed and stairmastered my ass right off! That’s when I thought giving up my ass for abs was detrimental to my physique.

Wrong.

Anyways.. IT WENT UP .5″ YESSSSIRRREEEE BOB! Johnny said it was just because it’s lifted now.. chhheeyeah! I am actually supposed to take my measurements next week.. but I have been eating super bad lately. Ever since Thanksgiving.. FML. I need to cut it out. Its been the last 3 days. Nothing like HORRIBLE.. but like last night. He came over and we ate shit food at 2am after eating and working out like a boss. But I wanted it. I don’t know.. I don’t want to use the whole I have 3 months bullshit anymore because I’ve done that before and it blew up in my face, but 3 months and apparently I was dropping weight too quickly.

Thanksgiving night and the next morning. Got the boy eating right and working out and we even hit the gym the following day..

I don’t know. I’m going to do my body fat again and reassess my life … er mood then. Either way, I am going to stick to my meal plan until further notice and just get shredded. Fuck this fat food.

Hmmm… what else do I have to say..

Just been working and working out. Hopefully making Phitness Aesthetics into something awesome.. working on getting shredded… picking up more clients.. working on a relationship with fellow boyfriend.. Noticing the difference of when I give a shit vs when I don’t.. and I am much happier when I do….

Here are a few pictures because I don’t want to write anymore..

OH! and I saved a dog! Long story short I saw a lot of commotion on a busy highway type street and saw a dog in the median =. I slammed on my breaks and ran to the dog. Some lady was making her way to him so I figured it was hers but it wasn’t. She agreed to take it to the vet so I volunteered to get the dog to the car quarter of a mile up. He wouldn’t budge so I did what any normal gym rat would do and I deadlifted his ass and proceeded on my way.

HA!

Me weighing out almonds before we went shopping on Thanksgiving.

The cake we made to take for dinner. Coffee Cake from scratch. Funny thing is, we were preparing to get all the ingredients at the store and literally saw a box mix of the same shit. Needless to say… we made it from scratch.. 🙂 lol..

It wasn’t bad. FULL of sugar but I burnt the bottom and it needed more cinnamon swirl in the middle..

Hooters. Need I say more?

Yes I go out in public with my hair like this.

The boy and I on our way to dinner.

 

Just so happens portillos salads have 4oz of chicken. On the dot.

 

Yes I used a filter but I was just happy with how my chest and shoulders look. Oh! and a badass shirt that says, “Lift heavy shit”! Thanks to Cylia ❤

Flowers I received at work. BEAUTIFUL!

Ugh! Funny story behind this as well……. I can’t remember which night… oh wait never mind, after Hooters we ran our fat asses to cold stone. They were closing in 15 minutes so I always feel bad. But I made it short and sweet. However, I went to grab Mikes smoothie which are a pain to make (I worked at DQ for 4 years) and always make a mess… welll.. I grabbed it to hard and the moisture of the drink it slipped and spilled everywhere… She was happy to make another one (I also tipped her $2 more dollars), but as soon as we left I heard and saw her screaming. Ugh. She should have waited till we got in our car because it looked horrible. I cleaned up most of it. Keep it together.

The best for last, RIP Paul Walker.

 

Being mentally strong..

is just as important, if not more, than being physically strong. Or, its at least, its beginning stepping stone…

I am a few days out from a few girls and I’s challenge of a 4 week no cheat. Yes, I’ve done it before but I chose to do it again. This time, I understand how even the slightest mention of something satisfyingly saturated, could immediately be followed with singles to the brain that its craving something crazy! I actually think that’s a fact. That seeing something could stimulate the mind to want/ or desire it. Which clearly makes sense. This month though, was tough. I did have a few oreos last night (I don’t know what got into me! they were even in the house for 3 days before I CAVED!!!!), but that was the extent of it. I want to go just another day longer to make up for it. I feel like I cheated. Maybe I’ll do it again one day. However, I have learned my lesson.

Everything in moderation.

I did have a quite an easy time “adapting”.. I kept on making those muffins I posted earlier. All sorts of flavors. This time, I “frosted” one. I found cinnamon cream cheese from laughing cow and KNEW I had to put them together. I should have played with the frosting a bit more, or at least adding another LC wedge. Even so, a few co workers of mine loved them. Hopefully lol. But I enjoyed them. So it was nice being able to eat something that didn’t consist of chicken.

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip with Cinnamon Laughing Cow Cream Cheese and a Greek Yogurt “Frosting”. Thinking about adding raisins instead of chocolate chips.. Or… maybe both 😉

My shopping cart for the week. You see the laughing cow over there to the upper right. Clearly a bunch of essentials like chicken greek yogurt unsweetened apple sauce bananas apples eggs ext. The flavored yogurt however, is when I really am craving something sweet. I def always look at the back of the labels and compare how many calories/sugars/protein they have. For being flavored, light and fit brand is a great choice at only 80 calories and 1/2 of the grams of sugar per any other flavored GY out there.

Ideas to curb those cravings:

QUEST BARS! Please, whoever is reading this. Please do yourself a favor and invest in these bad boys. They are extremely guilt free with every bite feeling like youre cheating on your diet. I have recently starting baking them and they are A M A Z I N G! Bake at 400 dedgrees for about 7-8 minutes, flipping half way through!

Hmmm.. Yet ANOTHER quest bar. Imagine that.. This one is the Apple Pie. I baked it and….. my lanta it was even better than the Brownie, and that is by far my favorite far hands down.. SO YOU KNOW ITS GOOD! Haha.. and would you look at that.. More cinnamon cream cheese from the Laughing Cow. Lol #addicted.

I made these twice now. They are sweet potato protein pancakes. Yep. 1/4c whole wheat flour (can use any one if trying to go gluten free), 1/4-1/2 sweet potato, 2TBS brown rice protein powder, 1/4teaspoon both baking powder/soda, 1 egg, and milk (or water) till it hits the consistency of pancake batter. Proceed like normal pancakes. I then layered the pancakes with… YUP! The Laughing Cow CC lol. I had to heat the cheese up just a bit so it could spread more evenly. I added a few more CC to each layer as well. The chocolate I used was 70% cacao, 32 cc per serving.

Ooops.. ;P

 

Back to Road to Ripped progress thus far..

I doubt I will compete in bikini in November but I am going to keep training like I do have a goal in mind lol. I just got done with a work out. I actually worked out this morning at around 730am. The boy was sleeping and I had been up with the puppy going the bathroom since 4am. I could not fall back asleep, so I figured why waste time and creep instagram when I could be doing something productive. I finished 45 minutes of interval training and ended up going to breakfast for my post work out which was nice. I did, just get back from a lifting session though. I took Marley to the doctor and 3 hours later, decided I needed to hit shoulders, or lift s o m e t h i n g. I tried to go heavy but a spot would have been nice. Before I finished 15 minutes of cardio, I took progress pictures.. so hopefully I can get all that put together b speaking of pictures, I need to go to CVS or something to pick up a disposal camera. I want to start photographing clients. I need to track their progress more than just a lousy scale and a huge measuring tape. I want to get serious, especially with everything happening with the “promotion”. I mean, don’t take that the wrong way, I give a shit. Trust me.. but I don’t know. That’s a whole nother story that I don’t think I am ready to write yet. More so, because it hasn’t been taken care of/solved yet, so this is the last place I want to risk my job at/for… haha… Besides, how many people click the link from my instagram account? Though I did delete FB the other day… yes… Don’t miss it though, phew!

Marley always getting spoiled. Turns out she was or is having a false pregnancy. A little scary but nothing as scary as having to leave the room while they cut her nails. :(:(:( My poor baby!

Sorry, ADD.

Progress. Yes. I feel like, with the meaning behind this post title, that I have become something I have never been before. I am hoping that not only does my body change, but that I do to, inside. I need some light shed upon this dark cloud above my head…

Physically, I stepped my cardio game up. In a few days I will start tracking calorie intake and out (via my Heart Rate Monitor) and see how things play out. I can say though, that I have hit some new highs in regards to weight and I am loving it. I hurt my wrist a bit (got wrist wraps now) trying to go heavy on my vertical press (but was really hurt doing wheel barrels up the stairs and hand stands) and took a few days off from upper body. I couldn’t even do a push up.. However, in the few short days or weeks, I don’t even know when that was, I hit 105lb for 5(ish) reps (more like 3) on the incline. I also managed over 300lbs for about 10 reps on the leg press and 205lb dead lift for 5 reps.

I really like where all this is going.

Justine (my work out partner) trying out the Leg Ext machine a rather different way. Amazing and one of my new favorite exercises.

Just now, after posting this picture, I receive a text from Justine. I feel like we are both on the same path traveling together on this road to ripped, we have played out in our minds. She is a great girl and has the drive of any one else there willing to put blood sweat and tears in this sport. What gets us all, and has everything to do with the title of this post, is that our minds seem to work against us in some situations. Comparing oneself to anyone else is one of them, and something Justine and I both struggle with. The idea that we will just keep traveling the same path with no added benefits sure sounds like hell to me.. but that’s because we haven’t had that positive mind set. Anyone can tell us anything, but until we believe it, its in one ear out the other. This low self-esteem results in constantly pick ourselves apart..

We need to have faith that what we are doing will ONE DAY pay off.. so why not take it ONE DAY at a time and enjoy the ride, instead of wanting to get off and not ride it at all… I for one, love roller coasters.. and although the ups right now aren’t exactly what I would like, I need to finish one ride before I can try another one out. So, I am sticking to this game plan. Justine. We got this. Lets go another 4 weeks top-notch, system in full gear, and after those 4 weeks well reevaluate the plan again? Okay? I promise.. time will tell and trust me, this sport you NEED patience. We all need patience.

Every single one of us.

Stellas gettin’ her groove back!

It’s only 11am on sunday and I have managed to open my lap top and blog. Imagine that.

After a few rough days, I have officially completed 1 week of the girls and I, 30 day clean eating challenge. Go me! I had many chances to fuck this up.. and even thought about saying fuck it atLEAST once.. but I held my own. I put the cravings and self-doubt aside, and stayed positive. A week is easy. I’ve done it before. I’ll do it again, and will continue to eat a well-balanced “diet” for the rest of my life.. Though, I seem to struggle the most when I get close to the end of something. Its like I purposely fuck up just so I can keep say that I am doing it.. or I don’t know.. all I know is I have yet to fully succeed in something I put my mind to. This goes, not only for my road to ripped idea, but outside of that.. I feel like I have nothing. I am living each day overwhelmed which ideas and goals and come to find out I have been sitting at a dead-end. Its like.. you know you should turn around, maybe ask for help… but my stubborn ass thinks there’s some magic get way to wherever the fuck I’m going.

I want to start proving MYSELF wrong. I want to silence the voice in my head, that doesn’t talk but fills my mind with doubt. That steals the confidence, I try to build each and every day. I want to free myself from the negativity I choose to believe. I want to become something.

I just have to figure out what that something is…

Well, lets dabble a little into my fitness life.. you know.. the reason I started this blog in the first place?

I got a promotion at my club, yay! (not), and now I want to take my training to the next level. Hold people more accountable, adjusting my clients to a healthy lifestyle in a more fun and enticing way.. I want to be more of a trainer than I am. So I want to start putting together a book.. Like a get fit 101 book… or the guide to being ripped! lol.. kidding.. girls would read that and be like.. omg, no. so.. fine.. But I want to help people learn the basics before jumping into anything because in a few months they’ll be jumping back to their old ways.

I just want people to understand that getting fit and healthy is TRULY not a punishment. This life is actually very enjoyable. I do however think I would enjoy it a TAD bit more have I not spend 80% of my week in the gym, but hey! Least, I have no excuses. I mean, I have them, but.. you’re at the gym, get shit done. Plain and simple. lol.

Eating a Chipotle salad. Chipotle is one of my favorite places to eat when I looking for a healthy alternative.

Loving isopure right now. Quick and easy way to get your protein in. Also trying a brown rice protein. ingredient list was 5 or less which is fantastic for a p. powder.

Locked and loaded for the day. I have some of my food (chicken breast greek yogurt and nuts) a banana, my BCAA’s* a huge water bottle, and a quest bar (obviously).

Friday Mornings Breakfast @ Pancake house w the Boo. This was a tough one for me ( I FUCKING LOVE ANYTHING THAT NEEDS HAS OR IS INVOLVED IN BATTER BEING USED!!!!!) but I made it work. They had a different variety of pancake batters, wheat germ, buck wheat and a gluten free one.. After googling (yes, at the table) the differences and what would be better, I decided to go with the wheat germ pancakes. They were small and I finished one of them. They weren’t bad.. I would have ate the but I did feel a tad bit guilty. They tasted almost like the after taste of a raisin… lol

* Branched Chain Amino Acids (BCAA’S):

• The BCAAs include leucine, isoleucine, and valine, and they support everything from anabolic muscle building to high-intensity endurance training to improving mental function and mood.
• How and When to Take BCAAs
  The critical nature of an organized nutrition protocol is indicated with research evidence that protein synthesis is enhanced by BCAA supplementation for up to 24 hours after weight lifting to the point of muscle failure. Training to failure with both 30 percent and 90 percent of the 1RM load will sensitize the muscle to protein feeding for 24 hours after the workout. The key is maximal fiber recruitment versus submaximal-achieving failure primes the body for protein feeding, which should be consumed with BCAAs throughout the day.

The first thing you’ll experience if you choose to supplement your diet with branched chain amino acids (BCAAs) is immune system support. Every time you go into the gym and lift weights, you are placing an enormous amount of stress on the body. If the body is not able to fully tolerate this stress level, that’s when you’re going to see problems develop regarding muscle recovery and, possibly, an increased likelihood of illness.

Because the essential amino acids cannot be produced by the body and must be consumed directly, if you fail to get these in your body, it will not have everything it needs to maintain a normal, healthy immune system. Further, one study performed by the Laboratory of Human Nutrition for Athletes suggested that taking branched chain amino acids around exercise also decreased the immune system response that is demonstrated.

1. Support Muscle Protein Synthesis
2. BCAA Levels Correlate with an Optimal Body Composition
3. Evidence of Strength Gains from Taking Leucine with Training
4. Can Decrease Muscle Soreness, Particularly DOMS
5. Improve Mood and Decrease Depression with BCAAs

The next couple of weeks are going to be a little stressful. Not like they always aren’t but this is where I want to start opening doors, seeing whats inside, going places. I don’t want to be stuck anymore…

So with that being said, I am going to copy and paste a recipe from Paleomg.com that I stumbled upon and so excited that I did! I have been wanting to use pumpkin for a while now (no, not band wagon jumping, but there are some really good recipes for clean eating that involve pumpkin that I have yet to make)! Like this pumpkin chocolate chip muffin recipe..

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Muffins

http://www.paleomg.com

 

Prep time:  10 mins

Cook time:  40 mins

Total time:  50 mins

Serves: 5

Ingredients

• ⅓ cup pumpkin puree
• ⅓ cup maple syrup
• ¼ cup coconut oil, melted
• 3 eggs, whisked
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• ¼ cup coconut flour
• ½ teaspoon cinnamon
• ¼ teaspoon nutmeg
• ⅛ teaspoon ground cloves
• ⅛ teaspoon powdered ginger
• ½ teaspoon baking soda
• ½ teaspoon baking powder
• pinch of salt
• ½ cup Enjoy Life Mini Chocolate Chips

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Mix together wet ingredients in a bowl: pumpkin puree, maple syrup, coconut oil, eggs, and vanilla extract.
3. In another bowl, whisk together coconut flour, cinnamon, nutmeg, ground cloves, powdered ginger, baking soda, baking powder, and salt.
4. Pour dry ingredients into wet ingredients and mix well.
5. Fold in chocolate chips.
6. Line a muffin tin with paper liners. Use an ice cream scoop to one scoop of batter per muffin. Makes 5 full muffins.
7. Bake for 35-40 minutes

Mmmmmm..

I want to gather recipes that are simple and easy and wont make you feel like you’re missing out on having high cholesterol. You think as long as I gave credit to people’s recipes I can give them out? … Like hey.. instead of a bunch of lard on your plate, that unless you are active enough and burn it off will result in cellulite build up on your thighs, try this! I don’t know how that works with recipes and stealing and I clearly can NOT take any credit for jack shit because I am NOT creative in the kitchen. Could I be? possible. But I’m not (sure as hell no Vivian! lol Love you girl. @fitaliciousme). So no point in lying or taking credit for someone elses ideas.

We shall see.. I mean, I can barely focus enough to make this blog anything special.. So who knows what I come up with in the weeks to come. Le boyfriend IS leaving me for a week-long fishing trip…. Hmmm…

P.SI want to apologize to ruining.. wasting? I dnt know the right word I am looking for, but your time at your buddies birthday last night. It was bad timing and my stubborn ass is mixed with emotion and constant ups and downs that I hope you know where I am coming from when I tell you the things I do, and feel and why I do and feel them. I may sound crazy at the time but I hope you can look back on it and know that it comes from a good place even though I am THEE worst person to try to express it. You are a good person with a great heart and I hope one day we start turning the pages together.

I love you.

 

 

 

www.paleomg.com

http://www.poliquingroup.com

Well.. screw that thought. How about 30 days of clean eating?

Figured if I was watching Breaking Bad I could get this post started before I procrastinate it till tomorrow, than sleep in too late and wouldn’t get it done in the end. So.. in between air squats and BB, here’s today’s post.

This week was a fucking fail.

Okay, fine. Not a failure. Just another reason to try again, or do it differently. So, okay.

I got a few girls together to do 30 days all clean eating. It got brought up when we saw a picture of The Rock. Heres the picture actually. He did 150 days clean eating and had THEE most epic cheat meal (…if you could/would call it that).

So, I figured not only would I be held accountable but a few other people attempting to achieve the same thing would give me a reason to challenge myself, as they would be. I think it would be a good start. Because, frankly I’m in a freakin rut. I could go on about shit but when it comes down to it, I’m not working hard enough and my body hurts. More importantly, my wrist. So its been a back and forth thing but being a personal trainer I need to be okay. Regardless of my training, its my job. So I think I am going to focus on my eating and cardio. Not just the treadmill, but stuff that will still challenge me. Plyometrics, with out the use of my wrist. I just need to start putting more effort into whatever it is that will make me feel complete? I dont know if that’s the word but I keep holding myself back from going forward. Though, I havent been complaining about it as much. Usually, I would bitch about something but feel like an idiot because it the end it was my fault that it was what it was. Now, I am trying to make the best out of the situation I am in. Still, emotionally eating and mostly likely by definition, depressed.

I am just stuck. In my own ass.
Seriously.

This road trip has been quite the experience. Taking the road to ripped detour.

Oh man.

This week I worked out probably like 3-4 times. Nothing crazy. I hurt my wrist, and my right shoulder-blade is achy. I ate like a motherf—— cow and I dont know how I feel about it. Some of it was because I like the instant gratification (because nothing else is going right). Other was enjoying the food I was eating. Some was because, why not? Starting on Monday. Validation, excuses, not giving a fuck, routine, I don’t know. All of the above?

And as I feel I look like shit. Definition (because of being a lesser body fat) is slowly going away and so has my excitement for working out. AHHHHHHHH. I sit here though.. and right before I started writing, I felt my body. For once. I don’t even like my boyfriend doing it (I MEAN COME ON! If you’re bloated…the first thing that should not be touched is the mid section! OKAYYYYY??!! So what if Im bloated all the time).

But I did it. And although I am probably at my highest weight (don’t care per say), if I had someone run their hand up and down my leg (…weird), they would think I am crazy. My stomach isnt even that bad and if I flexed, I still had the top two “abs”. I think I have THEE worst body dysmorphic disorder, ever. I mean I knew I was a little fucked up, but I think shits getting worse.

I am mentally breaking myself down.

Alright, brb- #goodbyebreakingbad
!!!

{ Haha.. I actually liked what they did. They had a marathon of every single breaking bad. Now.. a week ago you told me the finale of breaking bad was tonight I wouldn’t of even blinked an eye.. and now.. after watching at least 10 episodes (still missed a bunch), I am super excited for this. }

Back to something important… I realized that this week I need to focus on being consistent. Here I am, a personal trainer, telling/coaching people what they should be doing ext and I can’t even do the same? So, who am I? If I can’t find motivation to do it, why should they? It is tough and it is more mentally demanding then the actual working out part of it is. But through all these years of trial and error, I am still at loss in regards to me feeling balanced. So I sit here and write… these words and the answer feels so simple, in such plain sight that I overwhelm myself. But I am here to do it. Whether I feel pushed down, out of hope, run down, or at a risk for failure, no matter what, I have yet to give up.

So, this is it. If I cannot prove to myself that I can do it, at LEAST for 30 days.. I need to reevaluate what I am doing with my life (personal training). I need to get out of this fucking mess I put myself in. I need to focus. I need to focus on being consistent and not some lazy fucking person.

Yeah, that’s it.

Well, this is it. 30 days, no cheat meal.

I want to feel like I can FUCKING DO IT! Like, REALLY do it… As I was creeping fitness pages online, I came up with this and needed to save it:
“Once upon a time I started working hard to get the results I wanted. But I still fuck it up lots”. – Hardcore J

That’s my life in a nutshell.

UPDATE:

DAY 1/30 went a little like this..

3:25: 15 min cardio done. Got here 30 min early so why not. Checked my apts and working with 1 (30 min) break till 1030.

My arm is hurting more as the day goes by. Going to check with H to see if he knows anything off the top of his head. Otherwise I’m going to just ice it and lay off upper body for a bit. It’ll give me time to focus on my diet and doing cardio (about damn time eh)

5:30: have yet to have a break. Thought I would at 4:30 but no. Hungry as fuck.

Snuck in some chicken in between clients and even during :O how unprofessional.

10:15pm: finally home. Another chicken breast down. No other cardio done. Ate well under 1000 calories. Fail. Super fail.

Nothing new.

Besides what seemed like my whole life crashing down, I seem to have regained my balance. I went this whole week with great work outs and fantastic eating. This weekend, though, was a different story. I wanted to have 2 cheat meals, instead I practically ate shitty the entire time. Today, I am regretting the entire thing. I am feeling like complete crap. My stomach is hurting and I can’t seem to take enough medicine to help it. This vicious cycle of clean eating, turn binge is causing a lot more damage than keeping me sane. Doing quite the opposite actually. I have said this before and I will say it again, I am going to deal with the consequences but I will no longer beat myself up. Though I feel like I look like shit on top of actually feeling like shit, I need to KEEP, not even take, but keep my head out of my ass. I see what this does to me, yet do this all the time. When will I ever learn?

Starting tomorrow, Monday I am adding two (30-45) minutes of cardio in a week. I will keep my calories at about 2000 to ensure energy through out this process. I was actually contemplating whether I should do more work (cardio) or take down my calories. All of a sudden, I see a post from Erin Stern that very day speaking out about what she does. It makes the most sense. Do more work, keeping energy up for that work, then when time comes, take a few hundred calories off a day. Most likely drop to about 1700 but really all depends on how I look. I am about 3ish months out. If any one has competed knows that magic could happen in that amount of time. Knowing this, I still get bummed out. Summer is over and I wasn’t at my tip-top shape. I wasn’t happy to be in a bikini. Although, I know I looked okay, I didn’t feel great. It’s a little disappointing. But let me tell you, if I wasn’t competing, I would have stepped my game up. I would have done cardio more than once a week, and most likely dropped my calories down to look good. I didn’t want that.

But I struggle each and every day knowing that I completely 100% do.

It is so easy telling everyone around you to trust the process, but damn if it’s not easier said than done…. I look at myself and see so much that needs to be done but in due time. I just want to be lean already!!!! Its frustrating. You know what you could look like and what it’s going to take to get there, yet you look in the mirror and need to say, alright.. one day at a time. It WILL happen. Enjoy this ride..

Really? Thats almost as bad as baking brownies and needing to wait till they cool down to eat them.

Fail.

I feel like this process never gets any easier. This is literally a full-time job and I am getting burnt out. Thats why I took a week off last week, and now I have missed 2 work outs because of it. I feel lazy and unimpressed with my progress. I am consumed with looking and feeling good and its something that I have yet to control. This is not only my hobby, but my job. It is like i know nothing else. Dealing with eating disorders and insecurities it has now merged and become one with my life. If I feel fat, my whole day and attitude is ruined. I take it out on other people in which I apologize, but who really gets affected by this, is myself. I am bipolar as all hell. No, not medically diagnosed, but its a no brainer. I eat shit because of my fuck it attitude, I cry because I then feel like I ruined my progress, I work out hard as hell, then get dumped on by some other lifes curveball and I feel like all I do is take it out on myself.

Life is not easy. I feel like it is a constant struggle to keep my head above water, but I will be damned if I give up this fight. Everyday does NOT get easier, you just find ways to cope. I am going to do my best to stay positive. This road to ripped is sure a long haul but I cannot wait for my destination.

 

I’ve seen better days.

Of course, its been 3 days since I last posted. Things have been hectic to say the least. Waking up at 4am the past few days and working till 9pm for a company that doesn’t deserve my time, is stressful. That being said, I am actively working towards my own business. No more just saying, but doing. Nerve racking like once said previously, but defiantly motivating in a way.

Other than work, my work outs have been solid and I am currently still doing fantastic on my 4 week no cheat challenge. I am seeing progress and I couldn’t be happier. Yes, I could be a lot leaner but I am keeping my strength which is huge for me. I still don;t know whether or not I want to compete in Nov, but I am definitely going to keep training and eating like I am. I think the only thing that will stop me is the money. It is NOT cheap to compete. It is also very time-consuming and at this very moment I have my college’s homepage up on another tab, hoping to get in some classes. I always have such a positive outlook on things and then instantly I am discouraged. I am hoping I can get my shit together and keep trucking through.

My progress picture.

My work out partner, looking fly.

I haven’t been writing down or keeping track of what I have been eating. Hopefully, after downloading the My Fitness Pal app, that it will encourage me to do so. It will be interesting and helpful, so why not? Today, however, I ate:

1/2 c oatmeal with blueberries at 4:30am.Mixed in 1/2 Quest Bar at 4:45am.
6 egg whites at 8am.
1/2 c brown rice, broccoli and 6 oz chicken at 12pm.
4 egg whites, a little chicken at 2:30pm.
2 kashi waffles with a few blueberries at 3:00pm.
1/2c greek yogurt at 5:00pm.
6oz chicken and broccoli at 8pm.

More oatmeal. Jeez, you would think I actually like this shit.

and so far that is it 🙂 I wonder how much this all adds up to. The app is currently downloading so we shall see. Still sticking around 150lbs. Haven’t lost or gained a pound. I don’t know if I am happy or sad about this. LOL. BUTTT I do have 16 weeks till the show and that is a LONG time. I haven’t been doing cardio, nor paid attention to my calorie intake which is important. I guess I’m just in no rush.

Poor Bunny 😦

Other than work and working out, which has been my whole life the last 3-5 months, my personal life is just okay. Besides having a cat constantly killing baby bunnies (not kidding. I rushed one to the hospital so it could be put out of its misery), I am having issues with the boyfriend, mostly because of the lack of trust. Though, I am going to stay strong and positive even if it kills me. I just wish life was easier. I deal with scumbags all day and I can only imagine what goes on when I;m not there. It’s a hard pill to swallow and I keep wanting to throw it back up. I mean, one day I am all fine an awesome girlfriend, the next I want to break up with him. I just think it would be easier, for both of us. I mean.. it’s not fair (what is?) to either of us. Me not being happy because I can’t get over shit that replays in my head over and over, and for him.. how I treat him and want to break up with him all the time. I hate to put my bullshit out in the air like this ,but it is what it is. I am venting and little do you know, that my personal life affects my work/working out life. It is a constant struggle and each and every emotion I feel, does not get ignored (unfortunately). That is all. If you don’t like it, no one told you to read it.

I just want a happy life with you. Only you. Forever. I know we have a lot to work on, but I WANT to work on it with you. I want a future with you. I love you. I was never like this before, and maybe it’s because I’ve never loved this hard before. But what I do know, is that I want you by my side through THICK and THIN. I promise to make you happy. I promise to never do you wrong. I am yours.

What really matters, is to live.

I feel like I haven’t written in forever, and now don’t know where to begin.

My head is all confused.
I am starting to feel like I am at one of those low points in my life. You know, where everything seems to always go wrong. Like I have no control. I don’t know. But I sure as hell don’t want to keep typing hoping to find the answer. I just need to focus.
On myself.
My life, my job, my training.
My sanity.

I don’t have a very interesting life at the moment, due to training clients and myself majority of the day. Though you would still figure I had more time on my hands than I actually do. Maybe I am sick of the same schedule, same shit everyday. I know I want more, but honestly don’t think I am ready for it. I am starting to get more motivated about branching out my own business but still very intimidating of the idea because I would be going into it blindly. That’s nerve-racking.  Though living pay check to pay check is too, I am still paying bills. Going about what I want to do, could bring in no money at one point. That, I don’t think I am ready for. I’m already living a stressful life, I don’t need bill collectors harassing me, or whats left of my savings to disappear. I just don’t feel safe. Maybe that’s what I need though, not to feel safe. To fight.

To fight for my life.

Well. That’s enough. I am already stressing about writing this blog. I think that’s why I don’t write as often. Okay, never mind. We all know it’s because I am just a boring lifter wanting more out of every F * * * ING thing possible! Greedy.

and selfish. That’s what I have come to the conclusion about myself. No, those aren’t the only characteristics, but those are the negative ones I yearn to change. It’s hard. Because what else is there to do then constantly think of your surroundings thoughts, feelings emotions, needs and wants?

As much as I give, I feel like my hand is always out expecting something. But in the end, I know I am a good person and will do anything for the people closest to me but even the people I know nothing about. Though, doesn’t change the way I feel, like this life is all about me.  I need to grow and continue to grow into something beautiful. I want to change my behaviors and actions. I want to be SELFLESS. True, wholesome and giving. I hate the way I think sometimes. I hate the way I am sometimes.

But flashback to my previous posts, I am the one in charge of everything I want to rid of. So what does that say about me that all I do is whine bitch and moan and hope that one day things are different?
Nothing. It says nothing good about who I am.

But to any and everyone that it matters to, know that I am trying. Is it all that I can do? Maybe not. But I am going to try harder.
..and keep trying.

Okay, someone people stop me. Lets change directions, shall we?

Met with an old friend the other night (friday). It was nice to catch up. We went out to eat and chit chatted for a bit. I am still doing my 4 week no cheat, so I ordered a steak with sweet potato fries and broccoli. My steak was ordered medium rare. Twice, it was not. No big deal, I was hungry. I ate it. Medium well and all.

Left shortly after, and it takes me an hour to get home. In which, I live 15 minutes away. Damn you wrong turn!

The next morning, I woke up around 7:25am and needed to be out the door around 7:30am. I had a client at 8 and a spin class shortly after. That day, I believe I ate 2 quest bars, an isopure drink, 2 bananas, a greek yogurt, some kashi cereal, and chicken for days. I napped around 5:30pm and got ready to head to the boyfriend’s house. It was a couple of his buddies birthday’s, so we were going to go out for a bit. Why I didn’t think I needed to bring food with me, is beside me. I had 1/2 a quest bar and some freeze-dried fruit in my bag (that I only found once I was rummaging through my bag hoping to find food). Though, we stopped at noodles and co for a quick bite to eat. I was thinking that all I could get was a salad (but I am a picky salad person) but noticed the options and they were pretty healthy! I ended up ordering a small order of whole grain pasta with veggies and added chicken. Roughly 450 calories (without the chicken). We ended up staying at his buddies house, while more people showed up. At this point, it was around 10:30-11pm and the boring person I am, was already tired. A couple of girls came over to me and started asking about macros (calories, protein, fats) and about my work out regimen and what I do basically. It was a long conversation that turned into people planking, my boyfriend showing me his squat, to the girls and I complaining about how we needed food. I mean.. I would have had 2-3 meals by the time we ended up leaving I knew I had a Quest bar in the car, but too be honest.. I didn’t go get it because I didn’t want to share it… 😛 (SEE, greedy as f u c k). BUTTTTTTTTT the hunger pains grew to painful to bare so the boyfriend got it and warmed it up by the fire for me. Little did he know, it was cute gesture and all BUT I JUST WANTED TO SCARF IT DOWN! haha..

Noodles and Co FTW!

How sweet. Warming my brownie quest bar for me..

The boys, however, wanted pizza though. Imagine that. But the girls didn’t. Which I was pleased about but made sure that I would leave before that happened. Instead, he talked about going to maxwell street to get burgers and was I NOT having that nonsense. Though it is a little challenging when its 1am and you’re hungry. BUT! NOT IMPOSSIBLE! Yes, you don’t know what they add or sneak into their food to make it better, it is what it is. All you can do is ask and hope they honor it. We ended up stopping at ihop. I knew that I could at least get meat (HA!) and can’t go wrong there.

We ended up talking for a bit. Things aren’t going so well. This goes back to the beginning of this post as well, but that’s not appropriate talk right now. The only reason I mentioned it was because when our food came, no matter how hungry I was, we didn’t eat it for at least 8 minutes UGH!) ON TOP OF HIM TAKING UP PRECIOUS TIME NOT KNOWING WHAT HE WANTED TO EAT!!!! The lady came back twice before we actually ordered. Oh my lanta.

Any who, this is what I ate:

3 eggs scrambled, 2 pieces bacon and sausage with sirloin tips with onions. Yup. For being ihop, wasn’t that bad.

Headed home, slept till 10am and now I am here. Got home around 11:30am, after stopping and vacuuming my car. I ate a banana on the ride home but made a big bowl of oatmeal when I got in.

#addicted.

1/2c oatmeal
1 TBS flaxseed.
3 strawberries, cut.
A small handful blueberries.
A small handful Kashi go lean crunch cereal.
A sprinkle of honey on top.

Have yet to count the macros in the oatmeal (again, proteins fat and carbs), but will get around to it in a bit. Speaking about that, I got off the phone with a client yesterday and how it would be helpful if I had a list of recipes and ingredients that people could eat that would make healthy eating easier. I think I am going to get around to that. I think it would help people, help themselves.

The only thing is that its time-consuming but I think if I break it up a bit, I could get it done relatively easily. I just hope that through all this, people stop over thinking things and start relearning new habits. I mean, you know fast food isnt food for you, so why eat it? Make it at home and save HUNDREDS OF CALORIES!!!! That’s all you need to do. Find foods that you love, and MAKE THEM HEALTHY!

😦

I don’t know. I hate coming off rude but I feel people either don’t want to change, or completely disregard my time spent with them trying to help them. That’s all. I am just trying to help. All I wish is that people are considerate of not only me and my time, but themselves. We need to work together and make things happen, or all we are going to do is fall short to the things that are slowly killing us.  Yes, we all die but why not love the life you live right now? No more hating yourself. No more feeling guilty. Just live life as healthy as we can and enjoy it. Being fit and healthy has a way of opening eyes to new and beautiful things.

I promise.

Spending the rest of the day cleaning and organizing. No work out today besides active resting (stretching, random push ups and lunges and a possible walk around the FP with the pup) and prepping food for the week. Tomorrow will be more of a helpful post, not a helpless one.