Scholarship essay. Learning.

Writing an essay means researching the topic. Luckily for some, the topic is on oneself. With that being said, I’ve currently written this essay a dozen times and still can’t manage to save a draft. Writing about something so close to me, makes me come off as cheesey and that’s the last thing I want. I want people to read this and feel the passion that I have for the health (fitness) and the wellness field. Hopefully you can tell by the end of this what has motivated me, why I myself could use the help and how I will help not only the community I live in, but as many people everywhere that I can.

I’ve been working as a personal trainer for about 5 years now, and in doing so, I’ve realized how truly amazing it is to impact someone’s life. Someone who may be battling the same demons I once did. I may be living paycheck to paycheck, but I’m helping people help themselves, and no amount of money could bring the same amount of joy. I’ve struggled with finding myself worth, wondering if I can actually make a difference. Know a days, everyone is a trainer or some sort of guru. I, for one, want to stand out. I don’t just want to fall in the cracks of this every growing industry, preaching anything just to make a few dollars. Being a trainer for as long as I have, I now know that this isn’t just physical. That there is no magic pill, that every part of this process is mental and emotional. In order for me to help the way I need to help, I need to be taught. I attend classes taught by people like Frank Ardito, and it gives me goose bumps. The knowledge that these people possess is overwhelming, yet so admirable. All I want is to be able to teach and bring knowledge to those who truly want it. Who want help to understand what is truly going on inside of them. What has given me hope in becoming who I’m meant to be has been continuing my education. Although, I didn’t go to college right after high school, I knew what I wanted to become. I knew I was going to be in the fitness industry for the rest of my life, and it still stands true today. The people I meet, the lives they’ve said I’ve helped change, the relationships, the success, the failures, the knowledge; it’s all been my motivation. It’s the guilt from not doing everything I could to attend college post high school, which has put my dreams on hold. I know it may sound like an excuse, but it’s the truth. Without a proper education, I feel like I am not giving everything I can to my clients. People want to see that you know what you are talking about, so I want to feel like I know what I am talking about. Like Albert Einstein once said, “Any fool can know. The point is to understand.” I want to be taught the things I need to know, because as much as I feel my personal experiences help greatly, I can’t be naïve to the fact that I have a lot to learn.

“There is no end to education. It is not that you read a book, pass an examination, and finish with education. The whole of life, from the moment you are born to the moment you die, is a process of learning- Jiddu Krishnamurti”. I may not have much, I may be 25 still living at home, I may feel stuck most days, but what I do have is the ability to see past the struggles, and understand that each day I continue to do what I was meant to do, is going to have such a great return in the end.

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She too, grew.

There was a flower in her heart, it just needed more room to bloom. And when she let it free, she showed the world that sometimes the most beautiful things can grow in the darkest of places.

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Emerge.

For a seed to achieve it’s greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, it’s insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.

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Justine (my BFF, left). Myself, to the right.

So here’s to growing. Here’s to coming undone. Here’s to the progress, even the challenges I will face. Here’s to being okay.

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Killer leg workout: not for the timid.

Leg workout 7/30/14

140lb leg press with Leg Ext warm up 4 sets of 12-15 (DO NOT USE LEG EXT IF YOU HAVE PROBLEMS WITH YOUR KNEES).
Upped leg press to 190lbs for 2 sets. Kept leg ext weight the same.

Started with Hack squat at 50lbs (1) 25lb each side with a 50lb BB lunge.
Doubled the weight (2) 25′s on each side.
Added (1) 10 to each side.

3 sets total- h.squat was 12 reps (adding weight)
Lunges were 2 sets (14,12 reps) @50lbs. Last set was 30 reps @bw

Leg press. 3 exercises in set. (1) 25 plate on each side.
3 sets of 12-15 reps:

1. Side leg press
2. Single leg press
3. Together (feet high) (yes! 45 rep set)!

Kick backs and sumo squat. K backs= 30lbs (cable). Sumo squat= 45lb DB. Sumo squat could have been heavier, regardless, should have done on boxes to get better ROM.
3 sets of 12 reps k backs, 10 reps s squats.

Smith machine squats (2) 10′s on each side. Super set with box jumps.
3 sets of 12 squats, 10 box jumps.

Exhaustion phase.
7 sets of 12-15 leg ext.

- So I wanted to test this leg workout today. I texted my lifting partner the workout and what I thought was going to be the complete opposite response, I received a “fuck yeah.” It was awesome. I was already dreading it in my head and glad I had someone’s positivity to piggy back off. We work together. Almost balance each other out. Yet when I read that, what I just wrote, realized that’s not entirely true. We work together we’ll yes, however sometimes we are so alike, when one goes down, so does the other. Only thing I can think of while trying to make light of the situation, is that we come back stronger. We pick each other up, in due time. That’s all that matters.

Anywho this ADD chick needs to stay focused…

This work out was pretty exhausting. Since being a trail run, I wanted to push myself but since we didn’t know what to expect, we didn’t go all out beast mode on it. We could have upped the weight on cable kick backs, sumo squat and smith machine squats. As a matter of fact, it sucked but 50lb BB lunge was a tad easy too. Next week (well do a plyo metric workout on Sunday), we’ll complete this routine again, but this time upping the ante a bit.

Everything should be easy to follow. Might want to google the side leg press just to make sure your position is correct. Since you are at an angle, make sure your foot ankle complex is directly inline with the knee. Don’t go to heavy on this one just to make sure you don’t hurt yourself. This was a triple set, and it sucked. But, oh so good.

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A letter to my best friend.

I’m writing you this today, because I too needed to hear this.

What we are going through is a small piece to the puzzle. The lessons we are learning one mishap after another, are things we need to embrace.
To understand.

We are constantly looking to the bigger picture trying to find a little bit of hope to hold on to. But in the end, succumbing to the pressures of self doubt.

The struggles make it real.
We fall down. Sometimes on accident, most others what would seem on purpose. But what doesn’t kill us DOES In fact makes us stronger. Why? When was the last time we didn’t get back up?
This time, with a little more pride inside.
A rested body, a clearer mind.
Fire in our eyes..

We have to embrace these trials. We have to keep our head held high even when it seems we are slowly drowning. Yes, We have hit some detours along the way but whose life changing story was ever smooth sailing anyway? We’ll get there when we’re suppose to get there and not a moment sooner.

We are in control. We have the final say. We choose our final destination. Might as well enjoy the journey we are creating <3.

I love you.

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We are our choices.

We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong.

The amount of work is the same.

It ends here.

I’ve had time to write but chose not too. Feels that when I write about my life it makes me overthink even more than I already do, and sets me back a couple days mentally. Today, I choose to write.

Maybe because I’m bored, maybe because I’m ready.. I don’t know. What I do know is that I was in a slump. A pretty big one actually. With my fractured finger, to the bills that came with it.. to not being able to lift how I want too.. To being drained mentally.. It seemed like I would never come out of it. I cried most nights. I felt sorry for myself most days. None of which was proactive.

Just like binging, it was a vicious cycle. Speaking of which, I went a whole week eating whatever I wanted. Puked some of it up. You would think I was resorting back to old ways.. When really, I was just making room for more food. Fucked up, no? Yes. Quite so actually. I’m not even embarrassed anymore. I was struggling. I was hating myself and punishing myself all at the same time.

But I’m here. Still afloat. Feeling better, and slowly climbing out of this hole I built for myself. Can’t say I did it alone. I have had help. The same help I tried dismissing every time it was offered. Call it ego call it whatever you want but I thought I could do this myself.

I thought wrong.

It’s not such a bad thing to receive help, and I’m slowly understanding that. This world is way too complicated to roam around lonely and lost.

I finally bit the bullet and applied for classes, beginning in August. Something, that even though hasn’t started, I feel is a huge step forward. Not just for the real worlds sake, but for my own well being. I fight the feeling of worthlessness all the time. I have a lot to offer and feel I stay stuck to feel sorry for myself.

It ends here.my life isn’t perfect, I e known that from years of struggling, but sitting on the pity pot sure gets uncomfortable.

Understanding the process.

You will get there when you are meant to get there and not a moment sooner. So relax, breathe, and be patient.

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HUMAN BEINGS HAVE EVOLVED TO SUFFER.

Yikes. It doesn’t sound like a very liberating discovery. I used to believe that if I was suffering it meant that there was something wrong with me — that I was doing life “wrong.” Suffering is completely human and completely normal, and there is a very good reason for its existence. Life’s persistent background hum of “this isn’t quite okay, I need to improve this,” coupled with occasional intense flashes of horror and adrenaline are what kept human beings alive for millions of years. This urge to change or escape the present moment drives nearly all of our behavior. It’s a simple and ruthless survival mechanism which works exceedingly well for keeping us alive, but it has a horrific side effect: human beings suffer greatly by their very nature. This, for me, redefined every one of life’s problems as some tendril of the human condition. As grim as it sounds, this insight is liberating because it means: 1) that suffering does not necessarily mean my life is going wrong, 2) that the ball is always in my court, so the degree to which I suffer is ultimately up to me, and 3) that all problems have the same cause and the same solution.

“9 Mind-Bending Epiphanies That Turned My World Upside-Down”

Credits: Written by David of Raptitude, where this was originally featured.

2T 3:16; J 22:21

The peace that I give you transcends your intellect. When most of your mental energy goes into your efforts to figure things out, you are unable to receive this glorious gift. I look into your mind and see thoughts spinning round and round; going no where, accomplishing nothing. All the while, my peace hovers over you, searching for a place to land.

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