A letter to my best friend.

I’m writing you this today, because I too needed to hear this.

What we are going through is a small piece to the puzzle. The lessons we are learning one mishap after another, are things we need to embrace.
To understand.

We are constantly looking to the bigger picture trying to find a little bit of hope to hold on to. But in the end, succumbing to the pressures of self doubt.

The struggles make it real.
We fall down. Sometimes on accident, most others what would seem on purpose. But what doesn’t kill us DOES In fact makes us stronger. Why? When was the last time we didn’t get back up?
This time, with a little more pride inside.
A rested body, a clearer mind.
Fire in our eyes..

We have to embrace these trials. We have to keep our head held high even when it seems we are slowly drowning. Yes, We have hit some detours along the way but whose life changing story was ever smooth sailing anyway? We’ll get there when we’re suppose to get there and not a moment sooner.

We are in control. We have the final say. We choose our final destination. Might as well enjoy the journey we are creating <3.

I love you.

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We are our choices.

We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong.

The amount of work is the same.

It ends here.

I’ve had time to write but chose not too. Feels that when I write about my life it makes me overthink even more than I already do, and sets me back a couple days mentally. Today, I choose to write.

Maybe because I’m bored, maybe because I’m ready.. I don’t know. What I do know is that I was in a slump. A pretty big one actually. With my fractured finger, to the bills that came with it.. to not being able to lift how I want too.. To being drained mentally.. It seemed like I would never come out of it. I cried most nights. I felt sorry for myself most days. None of which was proactive.

Just like binging, it was a vicious cycle. Speaking of which, I went a whole week eating whatever I wanted. Puked some of it up. You would think I was resorting back to old ways.. When really, I was just making room for more food. Fucked up, no? Yes. Quite so actually. I’m not even embarrassed anymore. I was struggling. I was hating myself and punishing myself all at the same time.

But I’m here. Still afloat. Feeling better, and slowly climbing out of this hole I built for myself. Can’t say I did it alone. I have had help. The same help I tried dismissing every time it was offered. Call it ego call it whatever you want but I thought I could do this myself.

I thought wrong.

It’s not such a bad thing to receive help, and I’m slowly understanding that. This world is way too complicated to roam around lonely and lost.

I finally bit the bullet and applied for classes, beginning in August. Something, that even though hasn’t started, I feel is a huge step forward. Not just for the real worlds sake, but for my own well being. I fight the feeling of worthlessness all the time. I have a lot to offer and feel I stay stuck to feel sorry for myself.

It ends here.my life isn’t perfect, I e known that from years of struggling, but sitting on the pity pot sure gets uncomfortable.

Understanding the process.

You will get there when you are meant to get there and not a moment sooner. So relax, breathe, and be patient.

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HUMAN BEINGS HAVE EVOLVED TO SUFFER.

Yikes. It doesn’t sound like a very liberating discovery. I used to believe that if I was suffering it meant that there was something wrong with me — that I was doing life “wrong.” Suffering is completely human and completely normal, and there is a very good reason for its existence. Life’s persistent background hum of “this isn’t quite okay, I need to improve this,” coupled with occasional intense flashes of horror and adrenaline are what kept human beings alive for millions of years. This urge to change or escape the present moment drives nearly all of our behavior. It’s a simple and ruthless survival mechanism which works exceedingly well for keeping us alive, but it has a horrific side effect: human beings suffer greatly by their very nature. This, for me, redefined every one of life’s problems as some tendril of the human condition. As grim as it sounds, this insight is liberating because it means: 1) that suffering does not necessarily mean my life is going wrong, 2) that the ball is always in my court, so the degree to which I suffer is ultimately up to me, and 3) that all problems have the same cause and the same solution.

“9 Mind-Bending Epiphanies That Turned My World Upside-Down”

Credits: Written by David of Raptitude, where this was originally featured.

2T 3:16; J 22:21

The peace that I give you transcends your intellect. When most of your mental energy goes into your efforts to figure things out, you are unable to receive this glorious gift. I look into your mind and see thoughts spinning round and round; going no where, accomplishing nothing. All the while, my peace hovers over you, searching for a place to land.

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Failure is no longer an option.

“We know that to keep going matters more than when we fail. That the secret to success is not such a secret that it seems. For we all hold the keys. We are the keepers of our dreams.”

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Dating a fit chick:

Couldn’t help not to share. Mike wrote this while I was sleeping and it’s pretty legit..

DATING A FIT CHICK:

- Must deal with constant soreness , massage skills are a bonus.

-No messing with eating schedule, nor teasing with nono food.

-Let them sleep, it’s good and leads to not being cranky, no one likes an aggravated women.

-Do not interrupt work out sessions, they’re in the zone just don’t fuck with them.

-There’s alot of crazy seeds and powders that are beneficial.

-You’re not funny when you try and make them laugh doing a workout wrong. They will walk away.

-Harder Faster Squeeze should not be taken in a sexual manner in a gym.

- DO NOT TOUCH when the word bloated is mention.

-You really find out a women can rip one with the best of them.

-Don’t get insecure if they are stronger. You can still do the manly things.

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Dear God,

I did not sleep well last night,
But I did wake up.
My muscles are sore,
But they work.
My wallet is not full,
But my belly is.
I may not have all I want,
But I have all I need.
My life is not perfect,
But my life is good.

Thank you!

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Grasping for air.

A lot has happened in the last week and it’s finally coming to an end.

Atleast that’s what I’m telling myself. Because I can’t stay in this hole any longer..

It’s not healthy.
Nor am I happy.

I’m far from happy.
Like, far far.

I sit here.. A week into a binge and purge roller coaster. An ENTIRE week.

I was fine, doing so well.. Food was on point. I was doing what I could workout wise. My head was clear.

Then I get injured.
Shattered knuckle.

That’s it. Nothing crazy..Nothing life altering.

Or, well.. So I thought.

Made the best of it, even 4 weeks post operation.. Then last week, I felt like my life was just swept with a deep dark sense of sadness…

Then the demons arrived.

I started seeing a therapist maybe two months or so ago just for straight life guidance (I think a lot) and I remember specifically one of the first things he asked was if fitness wasn’t a part of my life anymore, though it didn’t take long for me to reply it felt like a no brainer.. It won’t. I will ALWAYS be involved and super interested in the fitness industry.

End of story.

Wrong..
More like just beginning.

Fast Forward two weeks, I shatter my knuckle. FF another two weeks, I had the surgery. A surgery in which was suppose to be 15 minutes, turned into 2 and 1/2 hours.

After that, even just the day after, when I returned in pain and the dr said they had wrapped the splint too right.. I still had high hopes. But soon it turned from an it what it is situation, to wtf did I just get myself into??!!

Bad vibes from doctors, painful experiences.. Take for example the picture was taken this past Wednesday. The Dr (who I’ve been seeing and haven’t been to fond of) had someone shadow him then leave the room to have him stitch me. I get that may be a requirement to know what to do, but this guy .. Let’s just say had some trouble. Like, walking out, grabbing an assistant kind of trouble. It was a bad time..

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The week of the last pin removal, really hit me hard. Everything just flooded my head with negativity. I had just interviewed for a really good job, but called back and asked for my application to be put on hold, knowing with surgeries PT and basically not being at able to perform at my best, wasn’t good qualities of a new hire..

I got into a car accident. Backed up into a guy who said he saw me but thought he could move around me..

The thought of my hand never being the same again constantly triggered mood swings..

Feeling helpless, ALL THE TIME.

Self destructing, falling back into old habits.

It was one thing after another and I couldn’t control it. I had given up that power.

2 months ago I was doing push ups in my room for fun, timing handstands and planks.. Now I could barely dress myself, tie my shoes..

Everything.. just like that.. Taken away.

I know maybe I’m being dramatic.. Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe.. But what I do know, is I’m a girl whose been so insecure from the moment I could remember and has dealt with body image issues for just as long… Understand and grasp the harsh reality that my happiness seems to be directly related to my body issue..

And this surgery.. An obstacle if you will, made me realize just how caught up I am in all of this..

..how I’ve been LETTING the fight consume me.

This time, I’m fighting back!

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