Tag Archives: God

If it were easy, well.. you know. 

Everyone wants the easy way out, the magic pill, if you will. I can’t compete with an ignorant naive mind. I don’t possess enough patience. It’s a flaw, a weakness rather and something that is currently being worked on. 

The same patience I’m speaking of, is the patience these people.. your clients my clients people of the world, all need. 

The body I have, the strength I own, the knowledge I’ve acquired.. Was never made in a lab nor was it injected. It was never swallowed. Never squeezed and manipulated.. This was hardwork and consistency. This.. this took discipline.

Of course I wanted to wake up after a day of eating good, and like what I saw. Of course I’d rather take a pill then feel the lactic acid (which we can thank hydrogen not lactate for that) burning. Of course I’d rather wear some ridiculous waist trainer instead of walking up to cycle in the wee hours of the morning.

Truth is, this lifestyle isn’t easy and as far as I’ve seen, isn’t for everyone. 

I get that. I get that life isn’t easy which makes being active and healthy harder. I G E T  IT! Maybe me getting it, isn’t the problem. Maybe thinking there’s a problem, is the problem. 

A client and I got into it (not really but definitely some miscommunication) regarding meal plans and such. Apparently I said I would help her with one months and months ago but always fell thru. I wasn’t aware of this, as meal plans are very time consuming (and technically I’m not a dietician yet so, basically all I can give you is “guidelines”).  However, that is my job and hopefully as you all know, I am all about balance. Nutrition being one of the most important factors in all of this, none the less. What got to me is as I am going over the basics to this (I start my clients off small. As in, small goals nothing drastic to see how they adapt to change), she interrupts me and goes off on a tangent about how age this, and carbs that.. And I’m just sitting there like…. quiet.. until she talks about how she won’t give it 100%. How too much is going on that she’s spread too thin. 

Now.. How are you going to complain that I never helped you, make me feel like shit, when really you just didn’t want to be helped? I take this shit to heart and I am slowly realizing I can’t do that. Yes, I am trying to help clients help themselves but if they don’t want the help, it is out of my hands. I am already too hard on myself, I can’t take people’s lack of motivation as my own. I want to see these people succeed! I know how it feels to look in the mirror and not like what you see! I know what it feels like to put on clothes, not be able to fit in them, and hop back in bed and cry. I know tears. Tears fit nice, they just don’t look good. 

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No, this post was not hacked. I’m just growing up. 

I find myself grinning from ear to ear inside, so no one knows. All they see is this poker face I display for the world to see. 

That’s all they get. I’m special. I know I am. I am going places in life and although I’ve been treading water for some time now, I have yet to exhaust all my efforts. 

My time will come. Until then, I am enjoying this road of self discovery. School is tough. Probably always will be considering I will continue attending full time and working full time.. But this won’t be forever. The projects I have due mainly involve life experiences, and in doing so, I am finding my life to be quite impressive. My mother was right, (okay Justine you were too), I don’t give myself enough credit. When I get stopped by random members at the gym and go into a little detail of my hectic life, their reactions alone make me aware of just how hard I am working. 

Clients in the morning, school for a few hours, then back to another location to train 8 or so clients. Everyday I clock in to one or another location. I find the 12 minute tan, or a late start of 11 on Fridays, to be my down time. I’m usually tired, can squeeze in a cat nap here and there.. But don’t mind being incredibly busy because I feel if I had nothing to do, I’d do just that.. nothing. At one point I felt worthless because I wasn’t doing anything with my time .. And now that I have none to spare, it makes you appreciate the simplest things.. (Or make you quite irritable when people don’t respect it). 

I thank God every day for finally opening my eyes.. my heart.. but more so my mind. The woman I am becoming is something to be proud of. 

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She’s baaaack!

I was going to write a pretty personal post but realized I need a little more time to gather my thoughts. The post will be extreme but my voice should be heard, regardless of possible backlash. 

So before we even scratch the surface, a little look into why I’ve been mia..

I started school full time. I had plans to post my reflections when the semester ended, but clearly FB and ig and doing nothing with my time when I could be writing, is (or was) more important. I’m hoping that changes. Even with a few more writing classes than last semester, I don’t want to use that as an excuse. I want to write. I want the motivation back to write. I am extremely excited about becoming a better writer.. But the start to becoming better at writing, is to write.

I’m here, alive and well.. I suppose. Besides a bruised foot from dropping a weight on it, due to not paying attention for the mere fact I was huffing and puffing because no one reracks their weights.. no one. Except me of course :P.. But outside of that, I’m holding up pretty well. 

Another semester has begun so I’m barely into the whole mix of things. Still full time, but already can tell these classes are no joke. I just have to be on my toes. I thought I could skate by last semester, just doing the work.. Still participating and fully active, but I could have done more. Luckily for me, I was placed on the honor roll again, even after an honest mistake took place. Long story short, I started working full time (training clients which is rewarding, yet exhausting) while preparing for finals. It was a dumb decision in which I took a huge pay cut (to work more for a company that doesn’t give a shit about me), all the while taking my energy away from school, the true desire I have to achieve. Anyways, I had a pretty long paper due and that’s where most of my time was spent doing. While revising the paper, I realized I had a two page paper due in 20 minutes which just so happened to be the same topic as the much longer paper. So, my smart ass improvising self did, was take a snippet of the longer paper and use it for the paper that was due shortly. Now, I complain a lot due to the lack of common sense people have, but in no way shape or form did I think what I was doing was wrong. Dumb yes, illegal hell no. After all, it was my own work. A little later down the road, okay 24 hours later.. It kept me up at night. I turned in the paper, but started thinking. This was for an ETHICS class. Not only was what I did ethically wrong, I felt it was disrespectful to the teacher and ever since I have hurt people in my life, I vowed to become a better person not only for myself but for society. So, with a guilty conscious wearing thin, I emailed the teacher. I told her what I had done, apologized and told her I’d gladly accept the zero. Well, she thanked me for the honesty and did in fact give me the zero which ironically took me from a high b to barely passing with a 5% (with extra credit, I received a low B as a final grade), all for making the right decision. It hurt me, but it was my own fault and I have no one else to blame. Although I could have gotten away with it, it was something that should have never been done in the first place. Lesson learned. So apologies that that was not in fact a long story short, but you came here to read right? 🙂

Something else worth noting, one of my professors (who I now meet with regularly), has become such a great influence in my life and has truly made me excited for school. She is a teacher that WANTS you to succeed. Tough as shit, but truly amazing. She one time called me brilliant before I had to write my first paper for her, and y’all should know I don’t edit because I’m so not confident anymore about my writing, that you can just imagine the pressure I had writing it? Complete and utter shit show to say the least.. 

That was the extent of last semester. I took it with a grain of salt and realized I’m spreading myself pretty thin. Even with being a full time student, I took on more clients (okay I doubled my clientele), which should be a good thing.. However, I’ve bitched long enough about this company (and how I am busting my ass for zero appreciation, though 12/13 I received my first thank you in 3 years) so you know how I feel, so get this. My job was almost in the air after a random member accused me of calling a client a bitch. Laughable .. Excuse me? I swear we all know that.. But my clients are the ONLY reason I stay where I’m at. I legit have zero incentive of working for this company besides creating these genuine and incredible relationships with my clients. Why would I ever do such a thing? After I asked my “boss” if that came from my clients mouth he said no and wouldn’t tell me who from. After saying I have more customer service issues with another said couple, I flipped. I walked away and was stopped by yet another member. He goes, “not for nothing, but the guy with the backwards bears hat snitched on you”.. I was floored. I had never seen this guy in my life before. That was besides the point, after I texted both people in question, I screenshotted the conversations. They couldn’t believe what was going on and said they “loved me as not only a trainer but as a person”. I sent the conversations to my boss saying, thanks for believing/trusting me. Told me he’d tell me on Monday if I was still employed. Monday, he texts me saying he’ll give me another chance. Excuse me again? I’ll give this company another chance is more like it.. Come Tuesday, they promoted me. Okay let’s not get excited, they’re just giving me the pay they once took, back. Fantastic. Thanks so much..

Smh. Nothing else is really coming to mind.. Except I have never had so many clients motivated and excited to do the work that’s in front of them. When they get excited for meeting their protein goal, or wanting to learn to do regular push ups, it literally makes my heart happy. I just hope my experiences that will now be made public, can help the rest of the world unfuck itself.  

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Barely scratching the surface. 

My life is a disaster (imagine that) but I look like I have my shit together. I am quite possibly in the best shape of my life, and it’s probably from treading water for 25 years. I am however staying positive (with an occasional hiccup here and there), and I believe that’s why I’ve managed to stay afloat. 

I am currently eating around 2200 calories a day. No cycling (nutrition wise) just keeping my macros constant and my sugar low. The biggest thing I have changed is, I’ve added spinning into my program. I am addicted. I am on a 30 day streak and my goal is 9 more till my birthday (8/14). That will bring my total of spin classes starting from 6/14-8/14 to 54 rides in 2 months. Adding that type of “cardio” has completely shaped my body. Now, before I say anything else I want to comment on how cardio is not the answer, it’s only part of the equation. It should compliment your routine not complicate it. Meaning, don’t over do it if your nutrition sucks. I’m serious. 

Under eating and over working will not work in your favor. It might on the scale side of things, but the scale is meaningless. The scale is only important in the fact that you need it for the sole purpose of calculating your body fat percentage. I am the heaviest I have ever been (sitting around 150#), but in the best shape I’ve ever been in.       
..With that being said, I’m working on a project. It’s my last attempt to give this fitness industry a try. I’ve been in it for awhile and slowly losing patience for people who find having a personal trainer as something to brag about instead of a tool for getting healthier. No one wants to put in the work, I take that back. People WILL do the work, yet won’t budge on their “diet”. It’s impossible to out train a bad one. I tried. Eating crap made me feel like crap. I still looked decent but I was weak and sluggish. My legs felt heavy and I was constantly tired. All I am trying to do is spread my knowledge to whoever will listen and take charge of their lives. I want people to give a shit. I know Rome wasn’t built in a day, yall have been with me through it all, so I know it’s not always a walk in the park. However, coming to see me for a training session smelling like McDonald’s, is probably not going to yield you the results you’re looking for. I don’t mind ups and downs because Id be naive to think otherwise, but I don’t want people to give up. I don’t want people to waste my time. It’s annoying and I take way too much pride in this to be disrespected. 

I’m struggling, in and out but I will not give up. Who the fuck is with me? 

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Maybe I’ll read the essay I wrote, 

and I’ll share it here. It’s less than 5,000 words (for now), regarding the most significant parts of my life. For everyone who knows, I struggle with writing, for I am my own worst critic. I write, delete then write some more, only to delete the entire thing. My writing, like myself, is truly a work in progress.. 

  

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Truth is..

I’m pretty sure my mom has stayed home from work lately because she thinks I’m suicidal. 

Truth is, I don’t know if I am. I pray to God every night to take me because I won’t take myself. It’s as though I feel like this isn’t my life to take, if that makes sense.

I’m done keeping this shit locked up. It’s for once I open up whole heartedly. Pathetic as it sounds, it’s as if I feel comfort in the online world, because my reality is spiraling out of control. 

I’ll be back.

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2T 3:16; J 22:21

The peace that I give you transcends your intellect. When most of your mental energy goes into your efforts to figure things out, you are unable to receive this glorious gift. I look into your mind and see thoughts spinning round and round; going no where, accomplishing nothing. All the while, my peace hovers over you, searching for a place to land.

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If all you get out of this post was that I deadlifted 230lbs, that’s fine.

Have been having some really bad days lately. Mostly because of my attitude towards it all, but it is really hard to stay positive when you are going broke doing what you love to do. I just feel that I am stuck. Even more overwhelmed that I feel stuck in the first place. It’s almost like binging.. One horrible, vicious cycle in which I am doing to myself.

No one is making me stay at this company. No one has a gun to my head telling me I can’t leave.. Yet I feel like trying to find a new job would not entirely help the situation. I would have to find all new clients, go practically paycheckless for 2ish months, literally start from the bottom all over again and I don’t think that makes a lot of sense right now. Hopefully my boss puts in a good word to snag a promotion sooner than later, because I feel like I will have no choice but to leave. I really don’t want to, at least not now. I have a LIST of horrible things this company does, and that I am against but I LOVE personal training, I LOVE my clients. I don’t know.. I really have no idea what to do and I cry myself to sleep every night praying to God to help me through all this.
It has gotten to a point where I have been asking my boyfriend for money to pay my bills.. something I am super ashamed about but something that I appreciate dearly. Hopefully I will get my head out of my ass and will start stepping in the right direction instead of huge piles of shit all the damn time. I just hate being taken advantage of.. I am BUSTING my ass and putting so much thought and effort into every one of my clients, all to get pennies off the dollar. It’s sad.. it really is that a company as big as this one validates paying there trainers a little as they do. It is MIND BLOWING. But I continue to work there.. don’t I? So who the fuck else do I have to blame except, yet again, myself?
The only good I see coming from this experience though, is the thought of starting my own business. I have so many ideas that that alone gets me overwhelmed as well.. but it’s a little piece of hope I continue to hold on too..
Maybe one day..
Now that thats off my chest.. I DEADLIFTED 230lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yup… a whopping 230 for 2 reps (lol).. After I dropped the weight, I had 3 people come up to me shaking my hand, telling me how impressive it was. I felt famous for like 2.5 seconds and I FREAKING LOVED IT! Granted, I had a spot and I used straps (I have never lifted with straps before but holyhell I can see why people use them. It helped SO much that I am thinking of purchasing a pair.. in pink of course!).. but I did it! I was so happy. So happy that it turned my horribly awful day into a freakin GREAT ONE! I was on cloud 9 for the remainder of the day lol.. till.. well I got home. I was INSTANTLY sore.. mostly because I lifted the second rep wrong and used my back instead of my legs (WHICH IS DANGEROUS! DO NOT DO!), and spent the rest of the night on a heating pad. The next day (today), was even worse.. Which I knew was going to happen because well.. I have been lifting for a while now and I know damn well the next few days afterwards are incredibly painful lol. I got foam rolled though which will help with the recovery process, but let me tell you.. THAT WAS UNBEARBALE! Now.. I have gotten tattooed on the ribs, and have had my tongue/nose pierced.. but o m g, that had me in tears. I almost had them stop it was that bad.. Shit.. I’m like cringing as I write this lol… So, I took a slight rest day today.. Did a slow pace walk for 40 minutes and continued to stretch through out the day. Over all.. WORTH IT! I really need to start training with a spotter though.. I have so much potential yet don’t lift as heavy as I can in fear I’ll either look like a dumbass or.. I’ll look like a dumbass when the weight comes crashing down on me lol.. Either way.. I know that with someone there that I could lift SOOOOO much heavier and I NEED that. I need to start progressing.. Yes, I am losing weight but it’s not all about that. I just want to get stronger.. Now if only it wasn’t just physically but mentally too..
Ohh.. one step at a time..
girlDeadlift
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Giving Thanks.

Finally a post where I have nothing to complain about. Okay well pretty sure I can find something to bitch about but nothing too mood changing. I have been spending a lot of time with family and really putting forth an effort to better myself. I could always be doing more but lets just leave that alone before I get anxious… 😉

Mike met the extended family last night for thanksgiving. He didn’t come for dinner but came shortly after. Everyone was super excited to meet him mostly because I can never stop talking about him. Like here we go.. I have never met a man like him let alone one I can call  mine. He brightens the room up, he puts a smile on my face, he makes me happy like none other, he is truly my gift from God. I am so ecstatic that everyone loves him as much as I do. On the ride home my mom was talking about how different it was when my family met my other boyfriend Dan. It was like night and day and I’m pretty sure everyone could sense it. There’s just something about Mike.. I wish I could explain it better but just know that this is something I pray every day about. Something, someone, I am truly thankful for.

It was nice though, a nice quiet thanksgiving. We all had dinner, digested a bit then played a few games of round robin (a family pastime at EVERY holiday), ate some dessert then took turns playing WII on the big screen downstairs. It was a good time.. a GREAT time interacting and laughing with each other. With everything that has gone wrong in my life, its times like these that make me feel blessed. I have a great loving family and I can’t be more appreciative.

MY family ❤

Dessert ❤

Family Time ❤

I have been eating clean this entire week (yay! go me!) and have been actively going to the gym (again WHOOOHOO!!!). So as I sit here writing this every part of my body is sore. I haven’t been splitting my routine up into body parts like I usually train. Instead I have been doing pretty much full body training. A day or two I wasn’t really feeling it but at-least got my cardio in. I have a little less than 4 weeks for my Fitness Class and really want to pass it with an A. I think I have about 24 more hours to go before I reach an A but its definitely doable. I didn’t go yesterday mostly because Mike and I just laid in bed till 12 but I was exhausted. He left to go spend time with his family and I laid in bed for a little while longer. I had plans to go walk Marley in the Forest Persevere, its about 5.5 miles, with my sister but by the time she declined it was too late for my to go to the gym. So instead I took Marley on a long walk around the neighborhood. We stopped at this jungle gym and Marley had a fun time going up and down the slides. She makes me so happy 🙂 I then got back and had to get ready. I still hadn’t eaten at this time but meh. I knew I would be eating in no time so I just went with the flow. I didn’t eat much even at dinner though (I usually always get seconds!), but definitely had 2 of my moms brownies 🙂 Woke up with a flat tummy so again (omg.),so  nothing to complain about here (for once!.

My plate (minus 2 brownies) 😉

I do however, have things I want to work on. I will continue to work on myself as a person and as my weight is concerned but I want to focus on my relationship with God. I want to work on finding a job where I am appreciated and really start kicking my ass in school. I know that I have a purpose here and I think I am ready to discover it.

Headed to Wisconsin after work with the boy and a couple of his friends. Hopefully eating wont be a problem because I know I won’t be working out like Id like. I did however bring a pair of gym shoes if I get the urge to go for a run. Hey! you never know.

** this post was about giving thanks and although I did say I was thankful for some of the people in my life.. I happened to fail to mention my father and his wife Cathy. I obviously post about my life but not my whole life and I hope one day I will be able to write it in a way that truly depicts what I went through who I went through it with and how it honestly affected me. Until then Ill keep it short. I am truly appreciative of all that you two have done. I know that everything happens for a reason.. things happen just because it can’t  always rainbows and sunshine. I love you two with all of my heart.

*** and now I feel guilty that I didn’t single out MY ONE AND ONLY MOTHER. You know that you are by far my best friend, the true love of my life. We have been through the end of the world and back together and were still as strong as ever. We have come a long way mom but where here where we are for a reason. We may not have much but we have our faith and we will always have our faith. Day in day out mom I am here for you.. well get through this.. in the end, everything will be okay .. if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.

I’m going to get you some of these mom.. Look at the one in the corner.. DO what you LOVE.. do what you love mom.. you know.

I really am so blessed with EVERYONE in my life.. I have reconnected with people, I have begun new relationships kept ones stronger, lost a few for the better. With everything that I am always going through, these people in my life have made this journey truly what it is..

So thank you.

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I am staying strong for once.

I have been having anxiety lately.

From the shower, to today at work and I am praying that inside I’ll feel okay. Because in my heart, I know it will be.

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