I cried. I puked. I conquered.

Literally.

I ended up training with H and J at around noon. I was coming back from the body shop, so the gym was on the way. I ended up trying to bail, but figured I needed to get my ass kicked. And kicked it sure got. We didn’t even do much (45 minutes with 3 people training), and I literally cried, and puked TWICE! We did some lunges to stretch before and after actually, but started with the leg press.

Started with 180 pounds, all the way to 360. After we got to 360, we started with it again but drop set -90 lbs each side (so a 45 from each side) till we ended with 180 again. THIS. KILLED. ME. I did stop a couple of times, but I finished. Afterwards, I had to lay down. It felt similar to the pain I felt when I cried at the Hack Squat a month or so ago, but this was entirely worse. I couldn’t keep any position of my legs from keeping them from literally stinging. I laid down and went from dripping sweat to getting the chills. It took me awhile to recover. So long (in my head) that I contemplated telling em I was thru.

Though, I continued. We did some plyo work and weighted hip thrusters. After this we did 4 (or 5.. I think 4), box jump to burpee. 20 of them. Yea…… insert trash can here. We lunged back to our desk and.. insert trash can here… Yea we were all done after that. So……. it was, to say the least, intense.

I miss these work outs. I have been getting it in with a couple different people (lol nvm) and it has been a huge help in regards to hitting different muscles and just always a good time when you aren’t training yourself. My work outs have been good, my eating has been like 75%. Gotta get that shit back up. Here until the holidays I was to be 90% clean, then beginning of Jan back to 100%. I have a lot of goals I am looking to achieve in 2014. I think this will be the year I get my head out of my ass.

We went to Sushi and got my favorite roll. Imo gima or Idk. lmao

Sorry, had too.

A lot has gone on though, so I do apologize for not updating you on my pointless life’s events.. A real close friend (and someone who impacted me deeply) passed away this weekend. We had his wake last night and the funeral was today (Wednesday). RIP Mikey.

Other horrible life altering news has been heard in my immediate family. Don’t feel its appropriate to write here, so I obviously wont. But know that i am praying for you MD.

OH! I got rear ended the first legit snow storm of the year. Sunday or Monday was it? I don’t know, but long story short, she ran. I had to chase her but it’s not like it was hard going 25 miles per hour. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?? My fender is flying, I have a quarter size hole in my bumper and my tail pipe is bent and stained with her paint. L O L. Whatever.. it is what it is. So far, everything has gone super smoothly. *knock on wood*

I FIND YOUUUU!

At least Marley’s happy there’s snow..

So, as you can tell I have been super emotional lately. I am trying to still figure out my weaknesses and how to overcome them. I am still figuring out who I want to keep close, and who I should back away from.. I just feel that I’ll start getting overwhelmed sooner than later. That is a weakness because I fall victim to it, so I am wondering how I can prevent this knowing beforehand it’ll happen. I know I need to talk to someone.. someone unbiased but I don’t want my past (more so not having a father) to be blamed for this… Or validating my emotions. I don’t need validation I need help on how to tone them down a bit. Ugh! I need a lot. More clients, a degree, a new car.. sanity..

I’m kidding. I am grateful for even being able to feel hate love sadness pain. I want to embrace it. No one is safe.

I’ve seen better days.

Of course, its been 3 days since I last posted. Things have been hectic to say the least. Waking up at 4am the past few days and working till 9pm for a company that doesn’t deserve my time, is stressful. That being said, I am actively working towards my own business. No more just saying, but doing. Nerve racking like once said previously, but defiantly motivating in a way.

Other than work, my work outs have been solid and I am currently still doing fantastic on my 4 week no cheat challenge. I am seeing progress and I couldn’t be happier. Yes, I could be a lot leaner but I am keeping my strength which is huge for me. I still don;t know whether or not I want to compete in Nov, but I am definitely going to keep training and eating like I am. I think the only thing that will stop me is the money. It is NOT cheap to compete. It is also very time-consuming and at this very moment I have my college’s homepage up on another tab, hoping to get in some classes. I always have such a positive outlook on things and then instantly I am discouraged. I am hoping I can get my shit together and keep trucking through.

My progress picture.

My work out partner, looking fly.

I haven’t been writing down or keeping track of what I have been eating. Hopefully, after downloading the My Fitness Pal app, that it will encourage me to do so. It will be interesting and helpful, so why not? Today, however, I ate:

1/2 c oatmeal with blueberries at 4:30am.Mixed in 1/2 Quest Bar at 4:45am.
6 egg whites at 8am.
1/2 c brown rice, broccoli and 6 oz chicken at 12pm.
4 egg whites, a little chicken at 2:30pm.
2 kashi waffles with a few blueberries at 3:00pm.
1/2c greek yogurt at 5:00pm.
6oz chicken and broccoli at 8pm.

More oatmeal. Jeez, you would think I actually like this shit.

and so far that is it 🙂 I wonder how much this all adds up to. The app is currently downloading so we shall see. Still sticking around 150lbs. Haven’t lost or gained a pound. I don’t know if I am happy or sad about this. LOL. BUTTT I do have 16 weeks till the show and that is a LONG time. I haven’t been doing cardio, nor paid attention to my calorie intake which is important. I guess I’m just in no rush.

Poor Bunny 😦

Other than work and working out, which has been my whole life the last 3-5 months, my personal life is just okay. Besides having a cat constantly killing baby bunnies (not kidding. I rushed one to the hospital so it could be put out of its misery), I am having issues with the boyfriend, mostly because of the lack of trust. Though, I am going to stay strong and positive even if it kills me. I just wish life was easier. I deal with scumbags all day and I can only imagine what goes on when I;m not there. It’s a hard pill to swallow and I keep wanting to throw it back up. I mean, one day I am all fine an awesome girlfriend, the next I want to break up with him. I just think it would be easier, for both of us. I mean.. it’s not fair (what is?) to either of us. Me not being happy because I can’t get over shit that replays in my head over and over, and for him.. how I treat him and want to break up with him all the time. I hate to put my bullshit out in the air like this ,but it is what it is. I am venting and little do you know, that my personal life affects my work/working out life. It is a constant struggle and each and every emotion I feel, does not get ignored (unfortunately). That is all. If you don’t like it, no one told you to read it.

I just want a happy life with you. Only you. Forever. I know we have a lot to work on, but I WANT to work on it with you. I want a future with you. I love you. I was never like this before, and maybe it’s because I’ve never loved this hard before. But what I do know, is that I want you by my side through THICK and THIN. I promise to make you happy. I promise to never do you wrong. I am yours.

Happy 4th of July!

It’s already 10 pm, so what I SHOULD be doing is passing out only to wake up in 6 hours. However, I decided I needed to get started on my weekend trip to wisco sooner rather than later. The boy and I left Wednesday night around 10pm and got to the house around 2am (I believe).. We did our usual stop at the gas station before heading onto the road in which I just started doing lunges from the car to the station (not one fuck was given). It was in my best interest to work out while I was up there… but that DID not happen. I randomly did squats and push ups (and 25 BW bench dips at 12:26pm in front of a crowd of people before I went in and bought a launch pass LOL) but nothing that prevented that 2lb weight gain at the end of the trip (yes.. I gained weight. oh no!)..

Anyways.. Our last stop before the house was Walmart, where we picked up a few things (rather healthy might I add considering the boy and I are legit fat kids) then headed to his house to get some sleep. The first day we woke up around 10:30/11 and was on the water around noon. The first day was a good one for me and I snagged quite a few different fish off different lures/flicker shads ext which is always a good time! We didn’t leave till around 10PM, yes 10 hours later.. But it was nice because it was the 4th of July and while we were driving the boat back we got to see fireworks from every angle. After that, I believe the boy blew up some shit then we headed to bed. The second day was nice too. I got to lay out for a few hours trying to salvage any color I could, while the boy was off doing his thing. Luckily I packed a few bags of fruit because we were not prepared. The sun just beat down on us and I felt dehydrated at times. I should have brought more food along but I guess I didn’t think I’d last 10 hours on the water.

Bags had watermelon, grapes, blueberries and strawberries!

The next day I believe we were out on the water around the same time but packed up around 6:30/7 to meet a couple of his friends that came down. They had a pretty rough weekend so they weren’t really feeling it. They ended up drinking (as did I but to be honest it was a complete bust. I don’t drink but after 6 shots I was still stone cold sober.. complete fail and waste of precious calories) and blowing off the rest of the fire works. We ended up all taking the ATV out and caused major trouble. In which, I lost a flip-flop, ran into a fence and had the weight of the ATV and Nizzle’s bodyweight come crashing on me.. Yeah.. things got pretty wild. Not smart. Not safe. Don’t try this at home.

Surprisingly, the next morning they went home. They didn’t even go out fishing! I didn’t mind. Just more QT with the boy. We ended up going out to eat where I had a massive burger. See..? LOL and this wasn’t even the picture of the first one. This picture is actually the SECOND time I ordered it.. Yep! We went out to eat at the same place the last day before we went home and I got it again. No shit I gained 2 lbs… I ate it in the form of burgers!! Haha..

LOL

That was basically our trip. It was nice to be out in the middle of the water and not have a care in the world. Except I did (besides being on my boy’s case about being on his phone all the damn time), the minute I stepped into my bikini I was bloated. I was bloated all weekend. Yes it makes sense (going from a clean diet, to well.. not so much), but it was so embarrassing. Take this picture for example..

Bad ass fish but COME ON! Where are my abs???????!

I go from having abs pre vacation to none prior. This is a progress shot I took before the vacation. And let me tell you, I looked NOTHING like this all weekend. It sucked. I worked so hard and I felt like a piece of shit. I don’t know.. But what I do know is how much I wanted to get back in the gym. I missed feeling good.

Progress Pre Vacation

Here is a picture I took while waiting for the boy to put the boat on the trailer. Probably the only thing I am proud of… considering my arms have always been a weak point of mine. Still didn’t take away from looking/feeling like shit. That was/is my only complaint. I just WISH I looked good. It is so vain of me but it is what it is. Again, I worked so hard and it looked like I didn’t work out a day in my life. Such a complete and utter fail.

Yeah buddy!

&& here are a few more pictures of the weekend and a few pictures of what I’ve been eating:

My little fishy 😀

😛

Shopping cart. Shit is on starting today 7/8/13!

 

Def not a 1/b burger.. but would def rather see my abs then enjoy something for 5.2 minutes..

I am not going to stress over the 2lb weight gain, or the picture that I look terrible in. No.. I am trying to become a better person physically and mentally. I am going to push forward from this day on. I am going to give it my all and strive to be the best person inside and out that I can. I can’t keep going down the same path expecting to find a secret path. I have to CREATE it. It is up to me and only me and I will keep on trucking along till I find my way. I do have a lot of great help and a good support team now (which is way different from the last show I prepped for). So a ton of progress pictures will be on their way! Still debating whether to go into detail about what I am doing diet wise only because it is designed for ME. Following what I do may or may not be a good thing. However, I do want to keep track of macros and the progress I make in the weight room. So, maybe I will post it (with a huge disclaimer)!

Heading to bed now (11:24pm fml). I am currently training quite a bit and quite early in the mornings now so I am trying to get as much sleep as possible (that’s when muscles grow right?!) even if it means sleeping in my car. Yes, sleeping in my car. Welcome to the life of a personal trainer.

Weekly Check Up :P

A lot of things are happening and seems to me that the more effort I put in, the greater the outcome. How funny that its common sense, yet until I felt like I hit rock bottom, has it really opened my eyes..

My promotion at work was accepted and it will start July 1st, hopefully making a little more money than I currently am. Considering, I am busting my ass and still living paycheck to paycheck. I know it’s not forever, but damn does each day feel like it. It’s really hard sometimes and recently has been some of the hardest. Even contemplating getting a second job, or leaving training completely till I can keep my head above water. Obviously that isn’t what I want to do but sometimes you have to do what you don’t want to do in order for everything else to fall into place. The last thing I want to do is go spend a couple of months serving and waiting tables but it has crossed my mind more than once. We will see, praying that things work out for the best.

I do have a business proposition that came about a few days ago. Someone willing to invest in what I have to offer. The hard thing? I don’t know what I have to offer.

I get so overwhelmed with things that they end up sitting on the back burner. Out of sight, out of mind. This isn’t and hasn’t been the best approach, yet I can;t seem to calm the anxiety I get from over thinking just about every damn thing. All I know is that I need to seriously put time and effort into focusing on what I want to achieve than just hoping one day I get some lucky break. No one is going to do this for me. I need to get my head out of my ass and put these dreams into sight, into true opportunities. It is right in front of me and I need to hold on for dear life.

Other than the normal life rollercoaster, my work outs/progress have been really taking my mind off everything. Instead of worrying how much money I have left till next paycheck, I am thinking about how much weight I want to progress up too, how sore my muscles are, how good I feel. Stressing my body, not my mind. Have been having super awesome workouts thanks to H @ the gym. Still learning new techniques and the proper form when lifting heavy and using it to my full potential.

6/21/13

It’s amazing to see what the body can achieve by just believing that it can be done. Now I just need to have that mind-set when discussing my future and what it holds. I can do it. Plain and simple. Whatever task is in front of me, I want to concur it. I beat myself up all the time, whether it’s not being able to finish a full set or thinking I have no potential in well, anything. It gets me down no doubt, but I will overcome these obstacles I place on myself. I will achieve greatness one way or another.

Here is a progress picture from this morning. The dude and I went to BWW after a late night fishing session. I caught probably 5 little guys, see:

My first little guy of the evening 🙂 .. and yes hes pooping.

..but ended up getting attacked by mosquitos so my pansy ass wanted to wait in the car. He ended up not caring so we left and grabbed a bite to eat. Wasn’t a horrible night, I got upset over something stupid but chose not to talk about it because I need to realize I can handle this shit on my own. It’s like breaking a bad habit. I WILL get there and hopefully it will be another piece glued back towards our trust…

Buffalo Wild Wings FTW!

I got 2 whole wheat wraps with ranch on the side but also opted for 5 boneless wings in BBQ (they were .60!!!) lol.. I didn’t care either way, I haven’t had a cheat meal in the longest time so there’s my validation. Not to mention the next day I would have a KILLER leg work out, burning over 1200 calories. Yes, 1200!! Still barely doing any cardio. Maybe about an hour a week. Yes, I could do more but I don’t think I will just yet. I know I want to be super lean but I need to figure out my body first. It’s a science and it’s almost too easy that it becomes difficult at times. But its nice when you have other people supporting you and going through the same shit. Makes it feel..less bad.. and painful.. lol. No it doesn’t actually. My body is so sore I can only imagine what tomorrow is going to feel like.

Work out consisted of:
Squats- couple sets of 125 ( I believe.. isn’t the bar 35? 25? fuck. But 2 (45) plates) Leg Press– couple sets of 270
Leg Ext- the chica and I did about 60 for 12 reps. Little did we know that was too little, so we had to do another set or 2 of 120lbs LMAO!
w/ Body weight Lunges– 100 total
I finished with 3 sets of box squats of a little more than 125. I can’t remember though.

Didn’t have enough time, but needed to do a little more hamstring work but almost a good thing I didn’t because my legs (excuse me, ENTIRE BODY) was achey.. AKA GAME OVER!!!!!!!  ughhh ;P

Post Work Out Leftovers

(I also had extra chicken in my car because there wasn’t enough protein in one of those to even be beneficial lol). I also had an additional 40g of carbs via another piece of pita bread and a couple oz of gatorade.

..Though, decided to do a spin class with a couple of my girl clients tomorrow morning. It is such a great work out if you push yourself. You have the potential to burn 800 to over 1000 calories. Not to mention, is a great way to increase your endurance. However, my legs my lanta. Fingers crossed I’ll be able to do it tomorrow 🙂

Still eating quite a bit. Again, hopefully I will put more time into writing my food log down but in a couple of weeks I will be calorie counting so it;ll make it easier to just copy and paste. And yes you heard that right, calorie counting. Now I RARELY do this and practically tell my clients not to (for multiple reasons).. I think it becomes tedious, repetitive at times but more so overwhelming. Other than that, I think if you are consistently working out and eating the right foods, that you shouldn’t worry about how many calories you’re consuming unless 1. you AREN’T eating enough (VERY common), 2. you AREN’T losing weight/inches (the scale should NOT be your idea of a measurement of progress!!!!) 3. competing. Other than that, say NO to diets and start living a healthy lifestyle. If you aren’t being active and don’t care what you eat, weight gain is almost inevitable.. Because in the end, it is about calories in vs calories out. But in no way do I want people to start weighing and measuring food and being meticulous about it because it almost does more harm than good. Yes I will have people disagreeing with me but you also haven’t suffered multiple eating disorders and I am telling you, once you start getting carried away it no longer becomes healthy.

My breakfast for the last 2 days.. Mmmm

Here is a WHOLE WHEAT Pita (with only 4 ingredients!!!!!!!!!!!) toasted, with an ALL NATURAL PEANUT BUTTER (only ingredients are Peanuts and salt I believe), mixed with Myofusions Chocolate protein powder. Tasted like nutella (no lie).

Any who.. I am going to relax and watch a movie. I’m going to keep stretching and possibly do a little core work (since I haven’t done anything in about a week smh..).. Other than that, tonight is a well deserved rest night ;P

Wednesday 31/83 (2/6)

Fuckkkkk. I really need to stop comparing myself with other people because frankly, it is not working.

7 weeks to go and I feel it’s not enough time. My legs are getting lean which is a good thing but I see no definition in my arms (which has ALWAYS been a problem) and my abs are only visible when I wake up in the morning. Though makes perfect sense with the amount of water I drink. Still going to train as if it IS enough time and worry about it later.

Again, I have plans to limit my carbs and fruit intake and up the amount of cardio in a few weeks, so hopefully (fingers crossed) everything works out. Just so nerve-racking sometimes.

Nothing is really effecting my mood lately or my want to binge because that “want” isn’t there anymore. I love my cheat meals but I don’t count down the days till I get one as surprising as that sounds. I do have a hershey kiss in times of “need” 😉 but that’s as far as it goes. My cheat meals aren’t even that calorie dense anymore. I just don’t live to eat and that’s how it should be!

My life outside of the gym has been good as well. It’s my boyfriends birthday the day before Valentines day so we are planning on going to Texas De Brazil in Schaumburg which is pretty much an all you can eat MEAT restaurant. You have these cards on the table, along with mashed potatoes, cheese filled biscuits and bananas haha, which are red on one side and green on another. You place the green side up if you want the servers to come around, or flip it to red when you need a little breathing room lol and trust me that red side comes in handy! They come around with endless amounts of meat and it’s just plain awesome. I haven’t been there is forever so super stoked to finally get to go!

Things are starting to look up and I will explain a little more in to detail when I know the time is right.. or when I know I am allowed too 😉

Keep pressing on folks!

 

 

The ever so anticipated progress pictures:

No explanations, no validations no more disclaimers (besides this one, that is)..

After AM show this is what I ate….

and then this is what I looked like (bloated) after breakfast..

…..btw have NO idea why my pictures are turning sideways and upside down lol. I apologize.

Day 81 I want carbs.

“Officially” 2 weeks out.

(“officially” because technically I am 2 weeks out on Saturday, but I won’t be working out or doing much of anything really.. )

How am I feeling?  Like I want to get this all over with so I can finally breathe and think about something other then myself.  Not even that.. I am stalking the SHIT out of people who are competing and currently dieting for shows, and I am continuously comparing myself and that’s the LAST thing anyone should do, competing or not. 2 weeks. I can do this. It’s been over 2 months, and I am bitching about 2 weeks left? I need to get my head out of my ass.

The Food Log/ The Workout..

I ate great all day, a little less then I would of liked in the morning but no big deal. I did “overeat” by eating a piece of chicken and 1/2 a turkey burger but I suppose it was 2 hours after my last feeding, so I’ll leave the validation there.

I didn’t do morning cardio, but I went to the gym with Taylor at 830pm.

We did a little chest, then went and did 4 rounds of jump squats, bosu jumps, and advanced planks.

Then finished with 3 sets of planks, and 60 minutes of cardio.

Day 81 in Pictures..

1. After the kids went to school, I made breakfast at my bosses house.. (spinach tasted like ass).
2. I had to fight like hell and fighting like hell made me what I am.
3. Whole Foods- Second run of the day.. (first trip cost me $25 for lunch), this one was about $52.. Detox tea, lemon, cranberry juices are for the detox in a week… coconut milk (for amazing whipping cream later), and about 3lbs of meat 🙂
4. Protein Pancake (Just muscleegg and pb2).
5. 1000 followers on Instagram ❤
6. Taylors doggie.
7. My mom grilled for me while I was away burning calories 🙂

So today was a little long, tomorrow will be even longer.. Had to leave at 630am to take my bosses kids to school. Missed cardio in the morning, but I WAS DEAD. and you know what.. I don’t care, obviously my body needed it.. because I would of been up regardless of how unhappy I may be at the time. Anywho did my day to day shit and got home around 630pm because I stopped at Whole Foods to get some meat for my mom to grill while I work out.  I did go to Libertyville Xsport to meet up with Taylor (who is literally going to be my new best friend), got into a little drama* and was in bed by midnight. Then knocked the FUCK out.

* My ex co workers boyfriend went up to Taylor and started a little small talk with her regarding something about tanning (idk I was working out, so I only heard a little bit of the convo).. so while on the treadmill I saw him again, so it reminded me to text her since I haven’t heard from her in awhile.. the convo went a little like this..

Hey, youre boyfriend is at xsport!
Her: Who is this new phone sorry
Marissa
Her: oh hey! which one?
Libertyville
Her: Did he say anything to you?
No to my friend though
Her: Oh being flirty?
no, just something about tanning I dont know..
Her: Oh okay, so how are you……. blahblahblah

Taylor and I were walking out and as we split ways, I see Nicole’s boyfriend sitting on the curb, and as soon as he sees me he comes up to me, IN MY FACE, and starts bitching at me because I’m causing drama and I said that he was flirting with Taylor and all this fucking bullshit. I was like WTF? I was like are you for real right now? Grow the fuck up. I didn’t do or say shit except  hey your boyfriend is at X sport. Told her you didn’t do shit, check her phone you fucking pansy (insert a SHIT ton more foul language).. I was so pissed at this point.. then he says something like “I don’t want to see you back here.” Are you fucking kidding me right now? UNbelieveable. Lmfao.

Yeah, great relationship that must be.

Anywho.. hope everyone stayed true to themselves and their goals today!